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| The Joke Thread (Page 27/33) |
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maryjane
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FEB 13, 08:42 PM
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The coffee shop I went in yesterday had a big sign above the counter that said:
"No WiFi Here. Just pretend it's 1973"
So I left a dime on the counter for my coffee, a nickel for a glazed donut and lit up a cigarette.
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maryjane
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FEB 14, 03:59 PM
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Will see-thru glass coffins be 'a thing'?
Remains, to be seen..
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williegoat
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FEB 14, 04:11 PM
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| quote | Originally posted by maryjane:
Will see-thru glass coffins be 'a thing'?
Remains, to be seen.. |
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shemdogg
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FEB 14, 05:09 PM
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If you think 6 more weeks of winter is bad...
Just think about 474 more weeks of Biden.
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.
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Larry watched, fascinated,As his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
Who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
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A new teacher was trying to make
Use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself'
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Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip
To their local police station where they saw pictures
Tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
Larry pointed to a picture
And asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
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Little Larry attended a horse auction
with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
And chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, Why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. '
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom '
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Whale Watching
When you're on a cruise ship, the best places for whale watching are the buffet lines.
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"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me!"
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."
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Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry -- it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes of work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like...
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 80 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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#9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8
Life is sexually transmitted.
#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6
Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
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I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He paused for a second, looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
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Days of the Week
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar is like W T F.
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A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. "Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel."
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go mister. Into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."
An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in, the water is still rising."
"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."
Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.
A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard "Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull you up. This is your last chance.
"I'm all right," says the preacher, "I know the Lord will provide sanctuary." as he looks heavenward.
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed.
When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was furious. "What happened, " he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "Gimmie a break pal. I sent you 2 boats and a chopper!"
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Ole finally died, so Lena went to the newspaper office to arrange for his obituary.
The editor said, "OK, Lena, what do you want it to say?"
"'Ole died.'"
"Well, the lowest price is for one to five words, so you might as well make it five words."
"OK. 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
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A recently married woman, a bit suspicious of her husband, hired a private detective to follow him.
After a week, the detective reported that he had tracked her husband in to four bars and a bachelor's apartment.
"Aha," she exclaimed, "I knew that skunk was cheating on me. Go on, what was he doing in those places?"
Embarrassed, and with a halting voice, the detective said, "Maam, he was trailing you."
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A guy walked into a post office...
... just before Valentine's Day.
He couldn't help but notice a middle-aged, balding man wearing a suit, standing in a corner, sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. There were stacks and stacks of envelopes. He kept watching as the man then took out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying the scent over the envelopes.
By now, the guy's curiosity had got the better of him so he asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, "Every year before Valentines Day, I send out 500 Valentines Day cards, signed, 'Guess who? xoxo'"
The guy asked, "But, why?"
The man replied, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
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1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.
6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
7. A backward poet writes in-verse.
8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
10. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
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One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers. They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily.
While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside, and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:
"Port: Left; Starboard: Right."
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I bought shoes for my pet frog.
( open-toad )
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I was on a train and this woman opposite looked
at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”
I asked, “Are you single?”
She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”
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A Russian arrives in New York City
as a new immigrant to the United States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago."
The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American. It was easy to get here via Arizona."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work."
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Divorce: From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
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As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and
wondered how someone could talk without a brain. Now all I have to do is watch a political debate.
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Q: Why can’t Congress ever be vegan?
A: Because all the turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork is pretty fishy.
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When asked how he felt about Hamas, Joe replied,
"I like it on rye with mayo and a pickle."
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shem
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Valkrie9
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FEB 15, 03:50 AM
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OldsFiero
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FEB 16, 11:34 AM
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blackrams
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FEB 18, 06:55 PM
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Late Breaking News!
Rams
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maryjane
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FEB 18, 10:35 PM
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maryjane
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FEB 19, 10:14 AM
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number and she said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
She was a gas welder...she had acetylene legs.[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 02-19-2024).]
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blackrams
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FEB 23, 09:49 AM
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 ------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. . 
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.
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