The Joke Thread (Page 30/33) Valkrie9 APR 03, 01:33 PM Carla was a pragmatic realist, no wishy washy dreaming in her world. ' Show me the Money ! ' shemdogg APR 04, 07:36 PM You might be a teacher if... You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:30 and have summers off." It is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered. You can tell it's a full moon or if it's going to rain, snow, hail... anything!!! without ever looking outside. You believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today." When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You have no social life between August and June. You think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge". You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U- HAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form. You can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students' chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?" You would choose a mammogram over a parent conference. You think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons... and desks and chairs for that matter! The words "I have a college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth. You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year! ------------------------------- Ran out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves. Today was the tip of the iceberg. ------------------------------- My wife tells me I have 2 major faults. I don’t listen – and something else ---------------------------- Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon. But the contractor kept cutting corners. ----------------------------- Most forgiving celebrity: Dolly Pardon ------------------------------ "May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." ------------------------------- Here at Fisher Investments, we don't believe in commissions ......................plus, we're almost all women. That's why we're called a fi-douche-iary. ----------------------------- My primary doctor recommended I see a functional neuropathist. I said, "Well, I hope so.............why would I want to see a non-functional one ? -------------------------------- As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band. "I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me." I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said. "Why not?" Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers." --------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Why did the chicken scientist cross the road? To invent the other side. What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull. ----------------------------------- I may be old, but............................ ..............I got to see the world before it went to **** . --------------------------------- Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 257 dollars. Next..." ------------------------------ What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ? "When I fall in love, it will be forheifer." ( sorry lol) ---------------------------------- It always irked my mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six! She was so excited, she bought two. ------------------------------- Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again. ------------------------------- Why is it hard to argue with a woman not wearing a bra ? She's already made two good points, and you can't get past that. ------------------------------ The "czech engine" light is always on in my Yugo ----------------------------- The statistical data proving that the IQ of each generation after the 'Baby Boomers' has been dropping is well documented. It's been a rapid linear decline but Scientists fear it may drop even faster, in part due to factors related to Covid19. For those of you who are skeptical that this is true.....consider this: When I bought my first new car, the owner's manual gave me instructions so I could adjust the valve clearance on the intake and exhaust valves properly. New cars now have owner's manuals that tell them not to drink the contents of the battery or the radiator. ----------------------------- My anti-theft car Stick shift, actual key to start it and instructions on how to drive it written in cursive ------------------------------- Women are like swimming pools. They cost a lot to maintain considering the amount of time you spend inside. ------------------------------ From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."   Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed! ------------------------------- I find that I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the Vitamin C and natural sugars, but I really think it's the Vodka. ---------------------------- This woman casually undressed in front of me. Does this mean: 1) She's an exhibitionist. 2) She may be girlfriend material. 3) She hasn't spotted me peeking through the blinds yet. -------------------------- Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds? The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Without geometry, life is pointless. --------------------------- I got gas today for $1.49... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell. -------------------------- My wife informed me that weight loss helps improve a man's sexual health and performance. I said, "So which gym do you plan to join. ?" --------------------------- I made a new film called 'Constipated' It hasn't come out yet. --------------------------- common sense is not a gift it's a punishment because you have to deal with all the people that have none --------------------------- I was talking to this old couple, and I asked what do they do for fun? The old fella said, well last week we came into town and did a bit of shopping, and we spotted a policeman writing a ticket on the car. I said to him have a bit of pity on an old man, he kept writing, so I said, you’re mean bastard and he started writing another ticket, the missus then said, you're a mean bastard with a little dick!! He then began to write another ticket for the bald tires but it didn’t worry us as we came in on the bus!!! -------------------------------- You want to go electric ? Start with the border! ------------------------------ Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The waiter said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a &%^$^% Chihuahua?? ------------------------------- I saw my 75 year old neighbor from across the street lying face down behind his car. At first, I thought he was looking at something under his car then realized that he had fallen. I went over to check on him while my wife called 911. He hit his shoulder and head on the pavement but thankfully, he was not seriously injured and is doing much better. Paramedics showed up and after checking my neighbor's vitals, one of the Paramedics asked him a question to test his mental awareness since he had an obvious head injury. The Paramedic asked my neighbor, "Who is the President of the United States?" My neighbor replied, "Trump!" The Paramedic said, "In a perfect world!" Then the Paramedic told my neighbor, "The President is Joe Biden but, that's OK, Biden doesn't know he's President either." -------------------------- The donkey told the tiger: ′′The grass is blue.” The tiger replied: ′′No, the grass is green.” The discussion became heated up, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, and to do so they approached the lion, King of the Jungle. Before reaching the clearing in the forest where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey started screaming: “Your Highness, is it true that grass is blue?” The lion replied: “True, the grass is blue.” The donkey rushed forward and continued: ′′The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts me and annoys me. Please punish him.” The king then declared: ′′The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence.” The donkey jumped for joy and went on his way, content and repeating: ‘′The grass is blue...” The tiger accepted his punishment, but he asked the lion: ′Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, the grass is green?” The lion replied: ′′In fact, the grass is green.” The tiger asked: ‘′So why do you punish me?” The lion replied: ′′That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that to come and bother me with that question.” The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of their beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense… There are people who, for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand, and others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t. When ignorance screams, intelligence shuts up. Your peace and tranquillity are worth more. ------------------------------------ It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax", I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make that much money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party ------------------------------- shem Valkrie9 APR 05, 11:46 AM Neanderthals are hot, and, she's French, Betty's cousin Martha, from Lascaux. Prehistory Of Art Wilma mmn Betty Valkrie9 APR 07, 07:32 AM The second was even worse ! Valkrie9 APR 07, 01:26 PM Jimmy Carter's Zombies had an appetite for their own, cannibals eating the innards. Valkrie9 APR 09, 08:51 AM IrishPunkinsPaddysDayNite, ' Fer pucks sake Liam, you've hurled yer intestinal fluids ! ' ' Urrpphh ! ' Valkrie9 APR 09, 08:54 AM Sportster Repair and Maintenance Valkrie9 APR 09, 08:57 AM What ? I Can't Hear You ! shemdogg APR 09, 10:06 PM Good stuff valkrie good stuff! If you think you might be schizophrenic don't worry. You're not alone. --------------------------- The Lincoln Motor Company... ...is introducing a new model for 2025 that promises to be popular with the very elderly; it will have a built-in porta potty and will be called the Incontinental. ---------------------------- What do you call a farting fairy ? Stinkerbell ---------------------------- Word scramble : pneis......................................................................spine buttsxe....................................................................subtext ---------------------------- A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." ---------------------------- A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. ----------------------------- My brother hated going to jail. He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone, and covered the walls with his feces. It was the last time we played Monopoly. ---------------------------- What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter ? ...............................................................................................Reese's feces. -------------------------- Why are there no boy scout cookies? Because boy scouts are only interested in eating brownies. ------------------------ The other day I was in Starbucks There was a guy sitting at a table just drinking coffee. No laptop, no smartphone, nothing. Just sitting there drinking coffee like some psychopath. ------------------------- Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex. A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. ------------------------- Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.". The cannibals promised they would not.. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something." ------------------------------- I was going to tell a joke about a pop fly...... .................but I knew it would go way over your head. ------------------------------ To which Norse realm do the protectors of the rectum go? Assguard ----------------------------- I think my urologist hates me. Last time I saw him he gave me the finger. ------------------------------- What is the best way to quit being a vegan? Cold turkey. ----------------------------- Hardest part of Cloning sheep Staying awake while you're doing inventory.. --------------------------- I asked my girlfriend how she could be so beautiful, and so stupid. She said God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and God made me stupid so I'd be attracted to you. -------------------------- What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away. ------------------------- Men in overalls built this country... Men in suits are destroying it. ---------------------------- DONT LET DONALD TRUMP CHEAT!!! Demand voter ID and paper ballots. ---------------------------- shem Valkrie9 APR 09, 10:45 PM The Moon is mostly gases, Guam could flip ? iQ deficit disorder, idiotic mumbo jumbo ! Universal knowledge, some have it, some don't. ' It's stupendously ignorant ! ' Destined for the final frontier ! ' Uh.. no, no, not you, the Ark Spaceships are reserved for those with iQ's above the test threshold ' ' You must be this smart to ride on this ride ! ' ' Answer me these questions three ! ' ' What is your quest ? ' ' What is your favorite color ? ' ' What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow in flight ? '