The Joke Thread (Page 32/33) Stingray92 MAY 09, 08:54 PM Hands free driving Look Ma no hands... shemdogg MAY 10, 07:11 PM Enjoy! ---------------- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a woman to garden....................and the entire neighborhood gets free zucchini. -------------------------- They say the dinosaurs were all wiped out by an asteroid 66 million years ago. Why were they all standing in the same area ? ---------------------- Proofreading is a lossed art. ----------------------- We might not have it all together, but together we had it all. ----------------------- One big difference between men and women: When women say "smell this", it usually smells nice. ---------------------- Asked: Are you better off today than I was 4 years ago (nice grammar chief lol) Answered: Yes...Now when I spend a hundred dollars on groceries, I only have to carry two bags. -------------------- Nowdays it's illegal to hurt animals. I kicked a pelican and ended up footing a massive bill. ------------------ You can walk around WALMART and eat grapes and nobody bother you, But as soon as you eat a ROTISSERIE CHICKEN Here comes Security. Dear God you gave me childhood then you took it away, You gave me youth and again took it away, You gave me a wife - it's been years now, Just reminding you. It feels amazing to walk into a store and buy anything I want without looking at the price tag. Thank you Dollar Tree. What do you call a spider with 10 eyes? A SPI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Ider. What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a Cod any Cod.... course this joke might not go off in Boston. --------------------- Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a Family!! Me: That's why I ordered the Family bucket, No-one get's left behind. My cousin took a drug test today for a job, They pulled the hair from her wig, she starts Monday. I had a job interview this morning and was hired on the spot. The Manager said I'll start you off at $15 an hour, and in 6 months I'll increase it to $25 an hour... When can you start?" I said, "In 6 Months." What do you call an old snowman? A glass of water. ---------------------- A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'" ------------------------ I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. I know what you're thinking.....................how did I know he was on his way to work ? ----------------------- Dangerfield joke I Know How To Make A Girl Say, 'Yes.' I Ask Her, 'Am I Bothering You?'" ------------------------- I threw a ball for my dog. I know it seems a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday and he looks good in a suit. ------------------------- Imagine, if you will... A world where people believe that the temperature of the planet can be controlled by giving more money to the government ---------------------------- A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist replies “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…” The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?” And the guy says, “Your light was on.” --------------------------- Women with false eyelashes remind me of......... ..................two tarantulas screaming for attention. ------------------------------ My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time. It got so bad..........................................I had to take his bike away. ----------------------------- Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle... It was an ether/oar situation. ------------------------------ A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." ----------------------------- Just went to a wedding of two nuclear scientists The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing. --------------------------- I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph. It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis. ------------------------ Bachelor: a guy who never made the same mistake once. ------------------------ Two cannonballs just got married. They're already expecting a BB. ------------------------- Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. --------------------------- How do you catch a unique wabbit? You 'neak up on it. You catch a tame wabbit the tame way. ---------------------------- College boys on a booze cruise, find the ship sinking.They board a lifeboat and drift for hours. They spot a bottle and pull it in. Rubbing the bottle a genie appears, and gives them one wish. One genius yells,"Make the ocean turn to beer." His buddy punches him and says," You dummy, now we have to piss in the boat !" ------------------------ Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" --------------------------- Just fell in love with a pencil............... How do I tell my wife about my future wife 2B ? ------------------------------ My wife is like bacon................. She looks, smells, and tastes amazing..................but she's slowly killing me. ------------------------------ I got sick from eating too much margarine My doctor called it the Blue Bonnet Plague ------------------------------- When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted. Turns out that is 9 pm. -------------------------------- Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man." --------------------------------- Any dog can be a guide dog, if you don't care where you're going -------------------------------- Tom Cruise movie about ice cream: Ben & Jerry Maguire ------------------------------- How does a vampire start every letter ? Tomb it may concern............................... -------------------------------- Best Name for a Boat Unsinkable II She Got the House Sotally Tober ------------------------------- Best American President Ever Joe Biden ------------------------------- You don't like political jokes, because you've seen too many get elected ! ------------------------------ My marriage counselor asked me if I wake up grumpy in the morning. I said "no, most of the time I just let her sleep". ----------------------------- Staying healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible. ------------------------------ How does a female magician make her boyfriend disappear ? By asking for a commitment. ------------------------------- I'm so rich....... I bought a kid for my cat to play with My dog has a Segway to chase sticks My servants have servants I wallpapered my house in $100 bills My kids are still TPing houses I don't get crabs, I get lobsters I stopped looking for tax loopholes ----------------------------- The parade An associate of Nancy Pelosi told Nancy about a fantastic dream she had experienced the other night. There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering as Nancy went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair OK?" Her friend said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed." ------------------------------- shem shemdogg MAY 23, 12:04 PM Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house ------------------ My teachers told me I’d never amount to much, I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!” ------------------ Me: "Want a quickie ?" Wife: "As opposed to what ?" ------------------ My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If I'd only known about her history of violins. ----------------- I burned my Hawaiian pizza last night. Guess I should have baked it on aloha temperature. ---------------- Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size. ------------------- One man's trash is another man's treasure. Nice saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted -------------------- A chicken and an egg go into the emergency room of a hospital. The secretary says, "OK, who's first ?" -------------------- A man walks into an auto dismantler... ...and says to the employee behind the counter " I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo". The employee thinks about this for a moment, then responds " Ok, that sounds like a fair trade". ------------------ What do you call a dead magician? Abracadaver. ----------------- You Know You're Too Intense, When... ~ You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up. ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before. ~ The sun is SO loud. ~ Trees begin chasing you. ~ You can see individual air molecules vibrating. ~ You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. ~ You can hear mimes. ~ You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. ~ Things become "very clear." ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before. ~ You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go. ~ You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room. ~ Your heart beats in 7/8 time. ~ You and Reality file for divorce. ~ You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. ~ You can skip without a rope. ~ It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. ~ You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything Else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. ~ You can travel without moving. ~ Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. ~ You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before... ~ Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. -------------------------- A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian. "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book." --------------------- I got invited to a party and was told dress to kill Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind!! --------------------- I did my first nude painting this morning the neighbors weren’t happy, but the front door looks fantastic!! ------------------- Little Johnny goes up to a policeman and says, my dad is in a fight at the bar He follows the boy to the bar and there are 3 men fighting, the policeman says, well which one is your dad? Little Johnny says that’s what the fight is about!!! ------------------ It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. -------------------- What job ads really mean Competitive salary We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition. Join our fast-paced company We have no time to train you. Casual work atmosphere We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. Some overtime required Some every night and some every weekend. Duties will vary Anyone in the office can boss you around. Must have an eye for detail We have no quality assurance. Career-minded Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). Apply in person If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled. Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit. Problem-solving skills a must You're walking into perpetual chaos. Requires team leadership skills You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. Good communication skills Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. ---------------------- I'm only responsible for what I say. Not for what you understand. --------------------- This is Bob. Bob has no arms. Knock, knock Who's there ? Well, it sure as hell ain't Bob. -------------------- The path to inner peace begins with four words: Not my focking problem. --------------------- People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act -------------------- My life is top secret. Even I don't know what I'm doing. ------------------ I had a nice conversation with some dolphins.... Really? How did that happen? I don't know. We just clicked... --------------------- Me: I'm having trouble with my hearing... Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms? Me: Sure! Homer is a fat guy and his wife, Marge, has blue hair. --------------------- An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. -------------------- From the Babylon Bee: ---Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record --Wife Of Protestant Asks Him To Please Stop Nailing Grocery List To Front Door --Asylum Orderlies Return Hillary Clinton To Padded Cell Disguised As Oval Office --Progressive Utopia Of California Becomes First State To Eliminate Electricity Entirely --Washington Post To Run All Headlines By In-House ISIS Marketing Rep --CNN Uncovers Evidence Hero Dog Sniffed Dozens Of Butts Back In College --Extreme Vegan Has All Meat Removed From Body --------------------------- I've spent my whole life trying to perfect cloning technology. Now I'm beside myself. ------------------------ What kind of tissues do mathematicians like? Multi-ply ----------------------- Getting over diarrahea...... isn't the best feeling in the world, but it's a solid #2. ----------------------- My obese parrot just died. It was a real weight off my shoulder. ---------------------- A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!" -------------------- shem shemdogg JUN 13, 09:01 PM Damn jofo is drying up, just political drivel and bickering/whining now What do you call a drunk astronaut ? Buzzed Litebeer ------------------------------ Take a look at... A recent video of Joe Biden. Age 81. Then, a recent video of Mick Jagger. Age 80. Maybe sex, drugs, and rock and roll ain't such a bad thing. ------------------------------ How to Install a Southern Security System. 1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine. 3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Bubba, Betty Sue, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. - Cooter ------------------------------------- T-shirt seen on a baby: I just did nine months on the inside. ---------------------------------- Henry Winkler on an airplane flight. The flight attendant asked him, "Would you like some headphones?" He replied, "Of course I would... but it's pronounced Fonz. " ----------------------------------- Milton Berle Quotes... You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. ----------------------------- Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain This gives so many people hope ---------------------------------- Why don't the Clinton's like Jehovah's witness? The Clinton's don't like any witnesses. -------------------------------- Did you hear about the transgender vegan? He was a herbefore. -------------------------------- I'm disgusted by people who treat politics like it's a team sport. Don't they know it's really a Vegas roulette wheel rigged by the house. --------------------------------- My favorite gym exercise: Exercising my right to not go to the gym. ----------------------------- What's Sarah Palin's favorite water sport ? Parah Salin ----------------------------- GOLF, n. [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole. GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker. GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day. ------------------------------------ Pirate pickup lines: Ye be having me at full mast! I be after your doubloons, darling ! Yer booty shivers me timbers! Prepare to be boarded ! ---------------------------------- Funny Book Authors... "Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe "Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia "Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss "Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum "Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover "How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner "Winning Big".....by Jack Potts "Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech "I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight ------------------------------- A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said: 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose." "Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?" "Well, she didn't put it quite like that. Her exact words were:” "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Joe Biden’s presidential campaign.’” --------------------------------- You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for Being in the country illegally. =================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions Of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his Teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class In grade school is perfectly acceptable. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts Cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while Sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately Discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts Are left to rot in filth infested cesspools. ==================================================== You know you live in Country run by idiots if... Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the Health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to Have child after child on the "State's" dime while never being held Responsible for their own choices. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and Government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded With EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing, And free cell phones. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the Constitution is really protecting the rights of the people. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... The rights of the Government come before the rights of the Individual. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their Children. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe". ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field Trip but not to get an abortion. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and Head searched. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and Singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art". ===================================================== "IN GOD WE TRUST" ---------------------------------- Favorite board game of mice: Parcheese-e ------------------------------------- Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri.... "What do women want?" She has been talking nonstop for the last two damn days. ------------------------------------- Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge. ------------------------------------- The wit and wisdom of George Burns... I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size. It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do. -------------------------------- shem shemdogg JUN 23, 06:13 PM What takes up 10 parking spaces ? 5 women drivers. --------------------------- Fact: Women are turning into good drivers. So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning into you. ---------------------------- Most archaeologists are women. This is due to their unique ability to dig up the past. ------------------------- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. ------------------------ Lesbian rapper: Feminem § ------------------------ Book Titles and Authors, #2... House Construction by Bill Jerome Home Unemployed by Anita Job Holmes Does it Again by Scott Linyard Home Alone IV by Eddie Buddyhome Lewis Carroll by Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast by Kareem O' Wheat Neither a Borrower by Nora Lender Bee The French Chef by Sue Flay and My Life as a Virgin, by Anita Dick. -------------------------------- A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours." ---------------------------------- Taylor Swift wrote over 500 songs about breakups and 0 songs about blowjobs. Coincidence ? I think not. --------------------------------- My granddaughter at the toy store: Her choices: Party Barbie - $20 Work Barbie - $20 Divorced Barbie - $99 Granddaughter: "Why is the divorced Barbie so much ?" Employee: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house and car." ------------------------------ One day Griz wanted to mow his lawn. "I really need to mow the lawn but it's very hot outside, what would the neighbors think if I did it naked?" He asked his wife. "They would think I married you for your money" ------------------------------ Saw a grey pubic hair today. It was in my Big Mac. ----------------------------- How do redheads shave their pubic hair ? Very gingerly. ------------------------------ Some Deep Thoughts Where there's a will, I want to be mentioned in it. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. Since light travels faster than sound, people often appear bright before you hear them speak. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. News castors begin by saying "Good Evening," then proceed to tell you why it isn't. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out, I only wanted paychecks. When filling out applications, where is says "In case of emergency, who to notify" I put doctor. "I didn't say it was your fault. I just said I was blaming you." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man, is usually another woman. A clear conscience is the sign of a diminished memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't escape. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting a target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit a target. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. We're supposed to respect our elders, but at my age it's getting hard to find any. -------------------------------- Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast. That KY jelly tastes terrible. ------------------------------- Me: "Doc, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning." Doctor: "Well, wake up in the afternoon then." ------------------------------ "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." ---------------------------- Joe Biden is just Hillary Clinton... with a smaller penis. ----------------------------- I own an actual Peter Pan turd That chit never gets old. --------------------------- I put " I work with animals " ...... in my online dating profile. Women love that in a man. I never get a second date when they find out I'm a butcher. ---------------------------- They say that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions. ------------------------- shem cvxjet JUL 01, 07:46 PM I want to state before I post this joke that it is not poking fun at any religion- it is poking fun at words that can have different- or multiple meanings. I heard this years ago- but was reminded of it when my ex-Air Force Aunt sent it to me; The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won! The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again! The local paper read: PASTOR'S AZZ OUT FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S AZZ This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST AZZ IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day, the paper's headline read: NUN SELLS AZZ FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day's headline read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER AZZ IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of this story is. . . .Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's azz. You will be a lot happier and live longer! shemdogg JUL 07, 10:19 AM A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh? ----------------------------- Did you hear about this new diet where you fast < HaveYaHeard > 2024-07-04 20:46 for seven days? I don't think one should fast for seven days--it would make one weak. ---------------------------- If you are an American when you go into a bathroom and an American when you come out, what are you when you are inside ? European ----------------------------- Two billionaires started a company that makes a drug that promises to enlarge a man's penis. It's called Elongates. ----------------------------- Wish me luck! I have a meeting at the bank... this afternoon and if everything goes well I'll be out of debt! I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask ---------------------------- - Neckties can impair blood flow to the brain and interfere with clear thinking, alertness, and judgment. - If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you. - Tell us what you despise; by this are you truly known. - The right to be right is irrelevant. It is the right to be wrong that makes one free. - Opinion - knowledge without the hindrance of silly facts. - An ill-chosen word is the fool's messenger. Politics is comedy plus pretense. Comedy is tragedy plus time. ----------------------------- 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The world's most expensive assisted living facility. ---------------------------- I work in a factory that makes salt and pepper It's seasonal work -------------------------- If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic... --------------------------- A man in Alaska was grieving over the loss of his wife, who went missing in an apparent kayaking accident... After notifying the Alaska state Police of the accident, the man went home and waited for word from the authorities... The next day, a knock came on the front door and when the man opened the door, there were two grim faced Alaska State Troopers standing on the stoop. The man asked... "Did you find my wife...?!?" The troopers removed their hats and held them by the brims, as if in a respectful way and said... "Yes sire, we found your wife and her kayak... and, we have some bad news, some good news and some really great news... which would you like to hear first...?" Nervously, the man said.. "Well, give me the bad news first.." With that, the Trooper said, "Unfortunately, your wife is, in fact, dead... Apparently, when the kayak capsized, she was bitten by a shark in Kacamak Bay..." "And, what's the good news?" asked the husband... Then the trooper told the man... "Well, when the rescue boat pulled her body out of the water, there were more that twelve - twenty five pound King Crabs, feeding on her... And, well... the Commissioner feels it is only proper that you be entitled to the catch..." Still a little shaken over the news, the man asked... "And, what is the really great news you have...?" With that the Troopers looked at each other and the first trooper began to speak to the grieving man... he said... "Well, sir, the great news is... We're going to pull her up again tomorrow..." ---------------------------------- Lorena Bobbit dead in car accident. Some dick cut her off. -------------------------------- Too many people fight for the right to say what they think, and then say too much without thinking... ------------------------------ - Experience is something you get just after you really needed it. - Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones - Experience is the worst teacher - it always gives the test first and the instructions afterward. ------------------------------- Two old ladies were sitting on the beach one afternoon drinking beer..... They got sand in their Schlitz. ---------------------------- Pirate: "The cannons be ready Captain." Captain: "Are" ---------------------------- What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs ? A rookie. --------------------------------- A diner was agitated that the waiter didn't bring him a spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most other persons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen, and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed --------------------------------- Thelma and Louise spent an entire movie challenging sexist stereotypes................... then ended up dying due to terrible driving -------------------------------------- shem Valkrie9 JUL 14, 10:15 PM Beans, and their effects on the atmosphere. Valkrie9 JUL 18, 01:37 AM ' I'm gonna teach you everything I know ! ' cliffw JUL 31, 10:41 AM Today’s Funny’s……….. • I took my suit to the cleaners who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15. • My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. • Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird. • Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear. • My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you." • She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she's reloading. • When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape. • Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too. • I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. • At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. • I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids. • I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time. • Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge. • As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.