 
     |
| Chuck Norris (Page 1/1) |
|
shemdogg
|
MAR 18, 08:52 PM
|
|
Enjoy!
1. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
2. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
3. When Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally he came back with his shirt ironed.
4. Chuck Norris has no hair on his testicles. Hair doesn't grow on steel.
5. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to clear his sinuses.
6. Physics is bound by the laws of Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris won a staring contest, with his eyes closed.
8. Chuck Norris finished The Never Ending Story.
9. When Chuck crosses the ocean, sharks hear the "Jaws" music.
10. All men are created equal. Equally inferior to Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
12. Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris "The Boss."
13. Chuck Norris can really kill someone with kindness.
14. Chuck Norris can speak French, in Russian.
15. Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
16. Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
17. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
18. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
19. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
20. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
21. Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, people pick up the wrong phone.
22. Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery without even buying a ticket.
23. Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
24. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
25. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
26. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
28. If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
29. Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
30. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
31. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
32. Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down.
33. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
34. The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.
35. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
36. Chuck Norris was born feet first. It's the only time a doctor has died during childbirth.
37. Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.
38. China lets Chuck Norris search for **** on the Internet.
39. Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris!
40. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death.
He beats it fair and square.
41. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.
It failed miserably!
42. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
43. When Chuck Norris does division...
There are no remainders!
44. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
45. Trump says Make America Great Again. Chuck Norris says . "I already did."
46. Chuck Norris can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.
47. Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.
48. When Chuck Norris is in Rome, they do what HE does.
49. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one questions why.
50. Chuck Norris doesn't own a house. He simply walks into random houses and people move.
51. It only takes Chuck Norris 5 minutes to watch " 60 minutes".
52. After reading these jokes, Chuck Norris said: "They make me sound like a pussy".
53. When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor exclaimed, "It's a man."
54. Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security.
55. Chuck Norris shot a man to death with a Nerf gun.
56. Allstate gets insurance from Chuck Norris, because even Allstate needs to be in good hands.
57. Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.
58. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.
59. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won.
60. Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table.
61. When Chuck Norris enters a courtroom, the judge rises.
62. Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
63. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
64. Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.
65. Chuck Norris completed 5 successful suicide missions.
66. When Chuck Norris goes to the hospital the doctors check to see if THEIR underwear is clean .
67. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, but Chuck never cries.
68. Chuck Norris once performed CPR, on himself
69. Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with with one hand, while he's sitting on it.
70. Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.
71. A traffic cop once pulled over Chuck Norris. Chuck let him go with only a warning.
72. Chuck Norris used a stunt double during crying scenes.
73. Chuck Norris' parachute failed to open, so he took it back for a refund.
74. Chuck Norris never rings a wrong number. People pick up the wrong phone.
75. Chuck Norris broke the law once. It still hasn't been fixed.
76. Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game.
Using a golf ball.
77. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 5 seconds.
78. Chuck Norris can order a pizza from McDonalds, and get one.
79. At museums, Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the art.
80. Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.
81. Chuck Norris can eat soup with chopsticks.
82. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
83. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer.
You will score over 8000.
84. Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.
85. Chuck Norris has more Facebook friends than Facebook has users.
86. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack.
His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
87. Chuck Norris wins Tic-tac-toe on the first move.
88. Chuck Norris has actually heard the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.
89. There used to be a street named Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody
crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
90. Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? You don't want to know.
91. Before they met Chuck Norris The Black Eyed Peas were just known as "The Peas."
92. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck only recognizes the element of surprise.
93. If you don't laugh at a Chuck Norris joke he'll come to your house and make you laugh.
94. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
95. Chuck Norris tames mechanical bulls.
96. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he took the bus to school...
by carrying it on his back.
97. When Chuck Norris was born he cut his own umbilical chord.
98. Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.
99. He scares the **** out of it.
100. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
101. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
102. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
103. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
104. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
105. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
106. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
107. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
108. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
109. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
110. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
111. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
112. If at first you don't succeed you are not Chuck Norris.
113. When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
114. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
115. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
116. Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it.
117. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
118. When girls have sex with god, they scream CHUCK NORRIS!!
119. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
120. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
121. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
122. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
123. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
124. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
125. Chuck Norris drinks alcohol with all his meds.
And he machine washes any god damn thing he wants.
126. If Chuck Norris is late time better slow the **** down.
127. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in manslaughter.
128. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
129. As a small child Superman wore Chuck Norris pajamas.
130. Chucks Norriss' daughter lost her virginity last night. This morning he went out and got it back
131. Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel.
132. Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
133. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
134. Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
135. Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.
136, Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese on his beard.
137. Chuck Norris sorts his laundry into three loads: light, dark, and bloodstained.
138. Even the Dos Equis "most interesting man" looks up to Chuck Norris.
139. Chuck Norris changed his own diapers when he was a baby
140. Chuck Norris uses all 7 letters in Scrabble.
Every turn.
141. Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that's your present from Chuck.
142. Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? No one has ever dared to ask him.
143. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.
144. Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer.
145. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on Chuck's ear.
146. Chuck Norris doesn't have sex because nobody ****s with Chuck Norris.
147. A long, long time ago, Chuck farted. Scientists now call this "The Big Bang Theory."
148. Chuck Norris can make a happy meal cry.
149. When Chuck jumps on a Tempurpedic mattress, the glass of wine falls over.
150. When Chuck swims in the ocean, the sharks are put into a steel cage.
151. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
152. When Chuck Norris shops on black Friday, the mob buys him gifts.
153. Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they're just called "The Islands."
154. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. We call the descendants "Giraffes" now.
155. Chuck Norris can spit through bulletproof glass.
156. When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have teddy bears. He had real bears.
157. Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
158. Some guys piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris pisses his name into concrete.
159. Chuck Norris can walk on water. He's not Jesus, the water is just afraid of getting him wet.
160. Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.
161. Chuck Norris takes care of his guardian angel.
162. Chuck Norris rubs two pieces of fire together to make wood.
163. Chuck Norris is so fast that when he runs, he can see his back.
164. Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.
165. Chuck Norris can play the saxophone... while holding his breath.
166. Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.
167. Despite popular belief, there is no such thing as a tornado.
Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
168. I really think Chuck Norris is fake 'cause if he were real he'd come here right now and smash my face into my keyboaraoebdbfjvjdblgoirugsvdkf
169. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
170. As a boy, when Chuck left for school, he would say "Dad, you're the man of the house while I'm gone."
171. Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy.
He answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question.
It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
172. As a child, Chuck Norris molested a priest.
173. How do you contact Chuck Norris?
Send e-mail to gmail(at)chucknorris.com
174. Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
175. Chuck Norris once had a job as a lumberjack in the Mojave Forest.
176. Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
177. Santa leaves out cookies for Chuck Norris.
178. What's a good name for a 1200 lb Texas Longhorn
bull?
Chuck Norris
179. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror,
his own reflection won't look him in the eye.
180. Guns are warned not to play w/ Chuck Norris!
181. Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.
182. I was reading the Guinness Book of World Records. Or Chuck Norris' diary, as they call it.
183. A Klondike bar would do anything for a Chuck Norris.
184. Chuck Norris can get a blowup doll pregnant.
|
|
|
|
RWDPLZ
|
MAR 18, 09:06 PM
|
|
|
|
|
ls3mach
|
MAR 19, 07:52 AM
|
|
|
The internet was a different place in 2005.
|
|
|
|
maryjane
|
MAR 19, 08:20 AM
|
|
| quote | Originally posted by ls3mach:
The internet was a different place in 2005. |
|
Youtube started in 2005...........
|
|
|
cliffw
|
MAR 19, 11:37 AM
|
|
Delete the name Chuck Norris.
Insert cliffw.
|
|
|
|
maryjane
|
MAR 19, 01:44 PM
|
|
| quote | 178. What's a good name for a 1200 lb Texas Longhorn
bull? |
|
That would be a youngster. A 1200lb bull ain't much. I've weaned 8 month old calves close to 800lbs. Longhorns by the way, are known for their docility.
This Beefmaster bull crossed the scales at 1755lbs when I sold him at auction.
 [This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 03-19-2023).]
|
|
|
|
Raydar
|
MAR 20, 10:26 AM
|
|
| quote | Originally posted by maryjane:
This Beefmaster bull crossed the scales at 1755lbs when I sold him at auction.
|
|
We had a bull that looked about that big.
I nicknamed him "Volkswagen", as in "as big as..."
Wife was afraid he was going to injure the cows. (She's the country girl. I'm still learning.)
I forget what he weighed when we sold him.[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 03-20-2023).]
|
|
|
|
Zeb
|
MAR 20, 04:41 PM
|
|
| quote | Originally posted by cliffw:
Delete the name Chuck Norris.
Insert cliffw. |
|
NO disrespect, sir, but the new name should be CLIFF PENNOCK!
For He wields a Banhammer even Thor can't pick up.
|
|
|
|
Cliff Pennock
|
MAR 21, 12:02 PM
|
|
|
|
Patrick
|
MAR 21, 10:07 PM
|
|
Almost as funny as the Norris/tiger joke is the way that video is presented. 
|
|
|
|
