Sunday, May 01, 2005 :::
that day at helsingør...i came out of the castle and you were sitting there in the grass with your sketchbook. the breeze was blowing and the sun was sparkling on the water...
::: posted by k at 4:29 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005 :::
he makes me so happy...
understanding what is important to me, what is good for me...he looks out for my best interests and supports me.
and this made me giggle:
"you should just concentrate on italian so you can teach me when we move to italy"
mmmm.
lo amo tanto.
::: posted by k at 11:45 PM
Saturday, April 16, 2005 :::
so i've just been steeping myself in thoughts of my relationship because...too many ex's seem to have popped up in the apst week or so and i just needed to be reassured that he's not like them. particularly those last two.
and other than the things i wrote in the past 5 entries, there is also an entry from my "real" journal from københavn
15 November, 10 pm, 165 Gothersgade
it's been too long...so i'll just jump in to what's on my mind.
I don't really know how i'm doing this again, but i just feel like it's all okay. which is bad maybe cuz it sorta sounds like i've been bad so many times that i'm blase and i've stopped trying to be something better than that. but whatever. i miss him the minute he walks out my door in the morning...or goes down to the train platform. he keeps me up all night because we can seem to talk about everything. he makes me laugh so hard, but 2 minutes later he's talking about politics...or about architecture. we have fun, but we still talk about real things...family, for example. i'm aware that things are always great in the beginning, but i dunno...he just really amazes me. he turns me on, but also is so sweet in bed. i often realize when we're laying together that his hand is cradling my head...or that he's just looking at me when it's 5 am and my eyes won't stay open. my notes are covered in drawings today...silly things like elevations, perspectives...and i can't believe how fast i'm falling.
yeah i remember trying to write my EU paper and just leaving myy desk and writing that in minutes. it just came pouring out. and things now are so far from that, but still good, just in a different way. i'm watching us settling down from the whirlwind of the beginning of our relationship and it's still so beautiful to me. i guess i write this all in this journal because i assume that people who read my lj are bored with it, because i know that it's so self-indulgent to write so often about the one subject. december jan feb mar april....it's about our 5 month anniversary. i might not see him until our 6 monthish. which sucks, but it doesn't send a shock of mortal terror running down my spine. mmm, trust.
the reason this all arises is that i talked to mike the other day and again tonight and it always just comes down to him telling me about him and andres and their exploits. and i just can't stand it...i hate the way they are when they are single. it just makes me so depressed. nothing, nothing, nothing is meaningful to them...and i think for a long time i tried to convince myself that i had the same kind of beliefs...that nothing was ever really meaningful...or that it's shameful to look for something meaningful. and i just ended up closer than when i started to wanting something meaningful. like, with daniel, i knew it was meaningful because i cared about him, i knew him really well, but it didn't work out, etc. and i went into this whole period of just living for the moment. and i just hurt myself doing it. with andres...i was trying to seem so brave and confident and it absolutely screwed me over. and they mock girls for stickikng up for themselves, but this is what you have to do. i was disrespecting myself by being lenient, by trusting, by not standing up and telling him to get the **** out of my life. and sometimes i really wish i had been more forceful in our breakup. that i had just said "i found someone else, someone who really likes me, who is SURE that he wants to be with me. i wish i had just smashed it in his face, that i found someone who is better to me, and who verifiably deserves to be with me way more than he did...and i wish i had made it clear that he did it to himself. that he pushed me away, that he lost me because he ruined, absolutely destroyed my trust, and never really appreciated what it was like to have me fully in his life because he was always trying to keep that door open. and that's what ****s you over, andres. thats what ****s you over. and i still have all this bottled up inside me and its like...i just want to tell him sometimes. how much he sucks and hwo much he's never going to find anything meaningful. but i wont say anything. that would make me sound bitter. and i think it's already clear that i won this breakup. you know, since i cheated on him and then dumped him in the end.
bastard.
i love my boyfriend.
::: posted by k at 12:46 AM
Saturday, April 02, 2005 :::
in the morning, i just want to pull you to me, and sling your arm across me and wait a few more minutes before confronting the day...
i'm lonely
::: posted by k at 12:22 PM
Friday, April 01, 2005 :::
sometimes i just have to wonder where he came from. this is going to sound so typically 'girly' but...honestly i think i forgot..or never knew that guys could be like this. he is so invested in making me feel secure. and about 100 times i've thought that i've pushed him too far, or overstepped a boundary. and every time he's right there, telling me that it's good that i talk to him about my stupid insecurities, or trying to make me feel better about someone. i just really can't believe it.
he's applying to 14 jobs. 12 in boston, 2 in new york. so chances are pretty good that he'll be here in the fall. i honestly can't believe it. he said tonight something like "well i'm moving up there to be with you basically." and he was like asking me if i was happy about that becuase i dont say anything. and i was like are you kidding, of course i'm so happy, i just don't say anything because i didnt want to put any pressure on you to come here if you don't want to, i want you to do it for yourself, etc...because of course, i do. but that definitely doesn't mean that i havent thought about how amazing it would be to have him here. it just makes me stop and think about how i never want to be with anyone else but him, and how good we are together...how we match in so many ways. i know this is getting to be so cosmo girl but i feel like we're such a good match. we look good together, we bring out a less pronounced side in each other. he's mostly country boy and i guess i'm a little more urban...and we pull the opposites out of each other. we joke around in the same way and don't offend each other...we find the same stupid stuff funny (like each other, for example). i even like it when he wakes up grumpy.
i just feel like...how could anything ever be better than this? he's way too forgiving, and he's so good to me without just placating me. he's strong and he's got his own personality, and an amazing life and drive. he's artistic and he's passionate about what he creates. he works harder than anyone i know, which inspires me to work more and just amazes me. and at the same time hes' really learned when to take a break and just relax. he's just...great. i love all of him, every inch, every minute i'm with him...or even away from him. it's hard to be apart but honestly i never expected things to be this good when we got home. we've just been so lucky with the visiting and such...anyway. and i can't wait for him to meet my family.
and it has to be a good sign that i write in here when i'm happy too right? because normally it's just when i'm miserable...
::: posted by k at 1:51 AM
Monday, March 14, 2005 :::
i know this is getting old but i just wanted to write again about how happy i am with kyle and how great things have been since his visit. i'm sure part of it is that we have time to talk, but i also feel more...secure than i have in a while. he's been soo affectionate and i just feel so comfortable and even (gasp) competent around him, i don't really know how to describe it but he puts me at ease. and i think about him a hundred times a day and how much i just want to keep him forever. and i'm not afraid that it won't work out, i'm just so ****ing happy that we're together i dont have time to be worried. i love that he can take care of me but that he'll tell me if i'm being ridiculous. and that he's insecure about us sometimes too, and the best part is when i can tell that he's happy being with me. i love that i make him happy because he makes me so so so happy. it was so amazing to be together for as long as we were here, to have time to space out and watch a movie, read the paper on the train, kiss on the escalator, wander around boston with cannolis....what else could i want?? he's committed, he's sure about this, and he tells me that.
and dumb stuff too...like that we can cook together and he helps a lot and knows what he's doing but he doesn't upstage me or tell me what to do...and he goes into crate and barrel with me and plays with all the gadgets...and we pick out plates and throw rugs for no particular reason. and that he tells me he wants to live with me all the time, and that he wishes i was with him...
so much love, so much...
::: posted by k at 1:04 AM
Saturday, March 12, 2005 :::
i still love it when i notice your hand cradling my head when i look up at you.
and how peaceful it was when we were up til 4, the last night we spent at your house...you were working, and i was just wasting time...but it felt so right to just be in the same space, just to be there together with some tea and candlelight.
and that night at a bar, when we first were together and still nobody knew...how much i liked being able to touch you, to have a part of you, to feel entitled to make contact....
and what it was like to kiss you on all the streets of copenhagen...and d.c....and boston...
and how you like me despite my ridiculousness...
and it feels to me like the days here brought us so much closer...and what i thought was broken isn't any more.
i hope i'm not too reckless in my love...but i feel all enveloped by it, it breathes into every part of me......
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I'll have to wait for page 99 to roll around and then I'll stay up all night to own that one. In fact, I'm calling it right now. Since I'm the first (unless some knit wit edits a previous post) and since there is no deed to it yet (that would be recognized in a court of law) I am calling it for me, myself and I.
But, being the nice guy that I am, I will let you have page 100. 
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that was scary. 
