| | | quote | Originally posted by Scott-Wa:
My sympathies Patrick, I don't know you or your parents but empathy has the tears welling up anyways. I hope you can celebrate her life along with your grief. The rest that follows is my personal feelings on the subject not related to your loss.
I don't deal well with death anymore. I've been a firefighter/first responder in a family with generations of the same, and used to handle death pretty well. Been a soldier and noticed a change with the death of my grandfather... that one hurt bad. I couldn't be in the room with him as he died from a brain tumor, he just wasn't the man I knew at that point. The pain of that vision trying to overwhelm all the great memories was damn near unbearable. Challenger and then 9-11 had me balling. I had a good friend die last December, had an open casket funeral. I went to the memorial and the burial, wasn't about to look in the casket, that is a body... not the person I knew. Death is one of the places that religous rites can help someone grieve, Judaism gives you ritual to follow and methods to grieve... it's like following a reciepe when you are told to cook a gourmet meal and have never turned on a stove. There is a whole support structure in place to help you through the grieving process. Other cultures have similar systems, |
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Scott,
You have it pegged exactly. The Lutheran form for burial is highly structured with options available for the family to use like hymn selection, places for people to speak if desired, things like that, but the church service itself and the graveside service is very structured and not unlike the Catholic services. You're right, they are that way for a reason and that's to get people in a famililar setting in a time of great emotional stress. Some people hate that, some find it comforting. It's been my experience that most find it SOME comfort and certainly, the older and more often they've been to the services, the more comfort they get from them.
| | | quote | Originally posted by Scott-Wa:
I highly dislike the open casket concept, and the funeral home taking the place of the family. My friend Elvis's funeral seemed surreal to me, almost fake.. the people there grieving were real but the mechanics of it seemed screwed up and artificial/commercial. I've been thinking about visiting his grave on and off the last couple of months, seems pointless but I miss him and since helping his family close out his shop I've had no contact with them... that's sad.
My mom's parents lived in a house in upstate Vermont that was built in the 1700's, it had a deathdoor in the parlor. The door was the correct height off the ground for a coffin wagon to back up and load out the dead from the parlor. I found that out when I discovered their home in a historical register and did a report on it for an architecture class.
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Here the only time it's a closed casket is if the body isn't physcially there or if it's damaged so badly it is not able to be presentable. From my standpoint, I agree with you in that I don't really need to see the remains because that's what they are. If you're religious as I am, then you know the soul is gone and all that's left is a shell. Even if you're not religious, you still know that the remains in the casket are not the friend or family member you knew and loved, they are gone now.
Again, age is a factor. It seems the older folks have more of a need to see the remains than the younger ones. By older I'd say those 60 or so and over. I'm on the fence, neither needing to see it or having it bother me if I do, so I guess I'm getting to that age.
| | | quote | Originally posted by Scott-Wa:
Being Irish I also got to experience Irish wakes as a kid. People celebrating your life with a party, eating, drinking, telling stories, playing games... I don't know what the spouse and kids do for a followup, but the sendoffs I attended were a celebration of life rather than dwelling on the morbid reason your there.
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Lutherans don't have a "wake" like Irish Catholics. I wish we did. I can't think of a more fitting way to say goodbye to a friend or loved one than to celebrate their life with a party. Seriously. We do generally have lunches after the funerals and socializiing afterwards, which is similar but on a much smaller scale, and it's normally not a very somber event once the funeral is over. I find that to be very hard on the immediate family and think it would be easier to have it before the services, like the night before (as in a wake) when we generally have a family memorial service, but that's not our custom.
Maybe I'll leave a directive to start a new custom when I'm gone. Anyone with a Fiero is welcome the night before my funeral and I'll leave a few hundred $$$ to buy a couple of kegs and pay for a dozen motel rooms so you don't drive after the wake. Maybe start the party with an autocross. And no, I'm not making light of it or being a smart aleck about it, I can't think of a more fitting send off. A bunch of friends having a party and doing together what I loved doing to remember me. What could be more appropriate?
Patrick, hang in there friend. It's hard, I know. Your dad will continue to need you.
John Stricker
