How does a couple who loved each other enough to get married,turn it around and want to divorce.
Do they just grow apart?
Did they rush into the marriage?
Was one cheating on the other? Lying?
Is one so dominant they stifle the other?
When a married person describes their spouse they usually use the term : my husband or my wife.They usually mean my partner,but sometimes mean ownership of their spouse.
Can it be the sex?It is such a small part of a marriage (but a very important one) .
Any marriage can have problems,some can be saved by working together to solve the problems,some can't be saved because they are irreparably broken
I know how lucky I am to have done it right the first time even though we were only together for 6 months before we got married almost 48 years ago.

1 - people aren't who they thought they were ( either intentionally misleading or just 'blindness' )
2 - people change over time. sometimes they change to be incompatible with each other.

quote Originally posted by hugh: How does a couple who loved each other enough to get married,turn it around and want to divorce. Do they just grow apart? Did they rush into the marriage? Was one cheating on the other? Lying? Is one so dominant they stifle the other? When a married person describes their spouse they usually use the term : my husband or my wife.They usually mean my partner,but sometimes mean ownership of their spouse. Can it be the sex?It is such a small part of a marriage (but a very important one) . Any marriage can have problems,some can be saved by working together to solve the problems,some can't be saved because they are irreparably broken I know how lucky I am to have done it right the first time even though we were only together for 6 months before we got married almost 48 years ago.

I'm 27 and was married and divorced by 24, so maybe I can help.

In my personal experience it was 1, 2 and 4. I know that I've said some harsh things about her on here, but my ex-wife was actually really good to me and for me, I think. We had known each other for about 3 months before we got married and TBH, it was probably one of the best things to happen to me. I won't go into the gory details, but I know that if I had it to do over again, it's probably one of the few things in my past that I would change and we would probably still be together.

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Pennock's Official Thread Killer

quote Mal: Any one get's nosy just, shoot 'em. Zoe: Shoot 'em? Mal: Politely.

Shortly after moving in together, my ex developed the attitude that everything belonged to her and I was going to shut up, do what I was told when I was told, and she was in complete control.

We even had one argument (on my day off) very near the end of the relationship where she tried telling me that since I hadnt worked on that day, I wasnt entitled to eat on that day.

Ya can kinda guess where THAT one went

Unfortunately, due to kids I still have to deal with the filthy sow for another 6 years...but even that is few and far between.

Dunno Hugh, other than the fact that things change as well as people. Many times, it is related to money--or lack of it. It strains even the best of relationships.

slightly related to topic, I was listening to the radio just yesterday and heard an old song. D-I-V-O-R-C-E .
At one point, she says "I wish we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E".

I thought " If that's how she feels, why doesn't she just go back home, fix the dude some biscuits and gravy, put on that slinky black nightie, bring him a cold beer and lay some lovin' on him?"
problem solved.

In short, people change. My first wife changed. I didn't, but, I have since I married my second wife. The change I've gone through leaves me more mellow and thoughtful.

Sometimes changes include personality disorders, substance abuse, financial priorities, religious conversions, and all sorts of reasons relationships break down.

I'm doing much better marriage-wise in my second go 'round.

BTW, I agree that some marriages are just plain ill advised and destined for the dust heap from the get go.

Arn

One potential problem area Hugh failed to mention is that you have to PUT UP with the other person. They're not going to be perfect for the rest of their lives. When you're dating and first married, you tend to be on your best behavior. Some time later, the real you comes out.

Can you put up with the real her?

Can she tolerate the real you?

quote Originally posted by MidEngineManiac: We even had one argument (on my day off) very near the end of the relationship where she tried telling me that since I hadnt worked on that day, I wasnt entitled to eat on that day.

Yes, that would be a sign that its time to move on.

Today is my 34th wedding anniversary married to the first and only wife of mine.

Two things I know for sure is:

The older I get the less I know.

There are two sides to every story.

Bobby and I met and were friends for 3 months before dating. Only because I will never cheat and was with someone else that wasn't great, but like I said I don't cheat. After splitting with my ex, Bobby and I dated for 3 months. The first night he took me out was in his 88 gt. Won't forget that....EVER. And, we married after the 3 months of dating. We never had a single problem until 8 months into the marriage. When the twins came and were preemies it added more stress than we have ever had in our lives. I got depressed and shut down and was down right mean at times. He shut down and wasn't much nicer. After ultimatums were given I realized that I needed to snap out of it and realize that this wasn't easy for him either. We have after 5 years finally gotten back to almost where we were when we married. Things can work, but I think it's important to realize another person's perspective. Also, the poor me thing that most wives I know do is tiring on a guy. So what he leaves his socks around and you have to pick them up. So what he's not "sensitive" enough. So what he loves his car as much as his children and you. Boo hoo. I gave that rhyme up a long time ago. And, I get more affection, love, and sex than I ever did with that sucky attitude. Just saying. And, he's probably going to read this and go WTF? He hates for anyone to know about our personal life, but just thought I'd share that people can change for the good, too.

Twins are a handful aren't they??

quote Originally posted by fierogal123: Bobby and I met and were friends for 3 months before dating. Only because I will never cheat and was with someone else that wasn't great, but like I said I don't cheat. After splitting with my ex, Bobby and I dated for 3 months. The first night he took me out was in his 88 gt. Won't forget that....EVER. And, we married after the 3 months of dating. We never had a single problem until 8 months into the marriage. When the twins came and were preemies it added more stress than we have ever had in our lives. I got depressed and shut down and was down right mean at times. He shut down and wasn't much nicer. After ultimatums were given I realized that I needed to snap out of it and realize that this wasn't easy for him either. We have after 5 years finally gotten back to almost where we were when we married. Things can work, but I think it's important to realize another person's perspective. Also, the poor me thing that most wives I know do is tiring on a guy. So what he leaves his socks around and you have to pick them up. So what he's not "sensitive" enough. So what he loves his car as much as his children and you. Boo hoo. I gave that rhyme up a long time ago. And, I get more affection, love, and sex than I ever did with that sucky attitude. Just saying. And, he's probably going to read this and go WTF? He hates for anyone to know about our personal life, but just thought I'd share that people can change for the good, too.

I'm gonna print this out and hand deliver it after work on monday...

quote Originally posted by maryjane: Twins are a handful aren't they??

Well, my daughter is smart and funny and my god beautiful. So, she'll be hard to handle later. My son is into cars and dirt and has his dad's mind. He could smell a spark plug and tell you if it was good or bad when he was 18 months old. Now he's 4 and has his own tools and impact. Yeah, he's killing me. We're buying him a fiero as soon as we get the garage space. They aren't really as difficult as it seems. The first year was terrible. I barely remember it.

quote Originally posted by hugh: How does a couple who loved each other enough to get married,turn it around and want to divorce. Do they just grow apart? Did they rush into the marriage? Was one cheating on the other? Lying? Is one so dominant they stifle the other? When a married person describes their spouse they usually use the term : my husband or my wife.They usually mean my partner,but sometimes mean ownership of their spouse. Can it be the sex?It is such a small part of a marriage (but a very important one) . Any marriage can have problems,some can be saved by working together to solve the problems,some can't be saved because they are irreparably broken I know how lucky I am to have done it right the first time even though we were only together for 6 months before we got married almost 48 years ago.

Commitment - ....until death do us part
Spouse - your best friend
Love - devoted and unqualified - with every ounce of your being
Troubles - Don't let the sun go down on unresolved differences! If it isn't settled, then it should be put on the shelf at bed time. NOTHING, is more important than the bond between husband and wife and their relationship; not finances, not children, not family, not employment.

46 wonderful, happy years

quote Originally posted by Rallaster: I'm gonna print this out and hand deliver it after work on monday...

(holding hand out waiting for you to run into it.) No, you wouldn't do that. Your car wouldn't work when you went to leave.

quote Originally posted by fierogal123: (holding hand out waiting for you to run into it.) No, you wouldn't do that. Your car wouldn't work when you went to leave.

Sweet, I could sleep on your couch! It looks comfy.
It doesn't work half the time anyway..

quote Originally posted by Rallaster: Sweet, I could sleep on your couch! It looks comfy. It doesn't work half the time anyway..

Hey, your girl said my car was just a car. That's reason enough to find a couch to sleep on. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Not to worry. When you get your swap done it'll be fine. Mine's been reliable since the change. So far... I better knock on some wood before I jinx myself. Vroom Pow (my new name for the car) is sensitive.

quote Originally posted by fierogal123: Well, my daughter is smart and funny and my god beautiful. So, she'll be hard to handle later. My son is into cars and dirt and has his dad's mind. He could smell a spark plug and tell you if it was good or bad when he was 18 months old. Now he's 4 and has his own tools and impact. Yeah, he's killing me. We're buying him a fiero as soon as we get the garage space. They aren't really as difficult as it seems. The first year was terrible. I barely remember it.

I remember it well. before age 2, their little brother was born--had 3 in diapers at one time, and the older sister was only 5. A double handful and then some. I know a bit about twins.

I have an identical twin brother.
I had identical twin cousins. ( now deceased)
I have twin sons-not identical.
I have identical twin grandaughters.

quote Originally posted by maryjane: I remember it well. before age 2, their little brother was born--had 3 in diapers at one time, and the older sister was only 5. A double handful and then some. I know a bit about twins. I have an identical twin brother. I had identical twin cousins. ( now deceased) I have twin sons-not identical. I have identical twin grandaughters.

I have twin sisters. Fraternal. And, about 4 other sets in the past few generations. I feel for my parents. They had me and 18 months later had my brother. Then, 18 months after him had my twin sisters. My gawd I'd die! Four is too many for me. The doctor said there was a 50% chance of having twins again. So, I got fixed. Kids make things interesting in a marriage. They add stress and happiness. My friends who get pregnant always get that advice from me. They usually come to me a few months after their kids are born to tell me that I was right. LOL

I think most of it comes down to honesty, or the lack thereof.

if you build a house on bullsh! , eventually the foundation will crumble. This goes for all aspects of the relationship. If people aren't honest with the one they claim to love, it'll never work.

This is where my parents failed; my father was open and honest about himself (guys are generally pretty bad at hiding things) but my mother wasn't. For 25 years she buried a lot of her past; things she needed to deal with. Eventually, it all spilled out in the open and the rest of the relationship ended up being shot straight to hell - dragging me and my siblings through the muck as it happened.

I've learned from this - my current relationship is going on 3 months of it being "official," however, we've known and had some sort of feelings for each other for damn near 4 years now. She knows me very well, and I'm totally open to everything she asks. She gives me the same courtesy.

When you get down to it, that's where all of the biggest problems take root.

quote Originally posted by hugh: How does a couple who loved each other enough to get married,turn it around and want to divorce. Do they just grow apart? Did they rush into the marriage? Was one cheating on the other? Lying? Is one so dominant they stifle the other? When a married person describes their spouse they usually use the term : my husband or my wife.They usually mean my partner,but sometimes mean ownership of their spouse. Can it be the sex?It is such a small part of a marriage (but a very important one) . Any marriage can have problems,some can be saved by working together to solve the problems,some can't be saved because they are irreparably broken I know how lucky I am to have done it right the first time even though we were only together for 6 months before we got married almost 48 years ago.

I think the majority of it is that America pushes on us that marriage isn't permanent.

For those that have been divorced, please either ignore the following or take it with a grain of salt. I have never been married. Please do not take offense.

If/When I get married, I understand that the person I will be marrying will be mine for the rest of my life. There are no re-do's. If she has downs, I forgive. If I have downs, she forgives. We work on each others' faults, and build each other up. We will love and respect one another to the highest degree. I don't think that marriage can really be rushed--if you think about ages past, when they married without knowing each other, you will see my point. Love is an action. We must choose to love and respect people. Even if a marriage loses its "spark", I will do everything I can to love the Sister I have found in my life. Marriage is not founded on butterflies and hearts with arrows through them, contrary to what Hollywood would say. Marriage is what happens when two members of opposing sex realize that they would like to spend the rest of their lives with the other person. It is more than a partnership, it's a friendship. It's a combined effort to ceaselessly love another human being.

Marriage is the closest worldly thing we can come to Jesus. It's beautiful and magical, but only if done right. Marriage can also be detrimental to your relationship with Him if you don't hold Him first. That's another thing. For those that aren't Christian, you may not agree with this; but marriage involved two Christian people seeking His Face together, and edifying one another to grow closer to Him. It's like a pyramid, and you and your spouse are on opposite sides. Christ is at the top. The harder you work for and the closer you get to Christ, the closer you become to your spouse. It HAS to involve Him being FIRST, otherwise it will fail.

Anyways.. just my $0.02. Again I have never been married, this is all just from second hand experience.

quote Originally posted by theBDub: I think the majority of it is that America pushes on us that marriage isn't permanent. For those that have been divorced, please either ignore the following or take it with a grain of salt. I have never been married. Please do not take offense. If/When I get married, I understand that the person I will be marrying will be mine for the rest of my life. There are no re-do's. If she has downs, I forgive. If I have downs, she forgives.

Sometimes its not just the 'ups and downs' that are part of life, but fundamental differences that were either not seen ( or ignored.. ) or developed over time. Not saying they all end up that way of course, but saying NEVER can get one into a mess with no outlet. Even the best of intentions go awry once in a while.

quote Originally posted by User00013170: Sometimes its not just the 'ups and downs' that are part of life, but fundamental differences that were either not seen ( or ignored.. ) or developed over time. Not saying they all end up that way of course, but saying NEVER can get one into a mess with no outlet. Even the best of intentions go awry once in a while.

And I agree. When it comes to situations of adultery or you find out the whole base of your foundation is a sham, then perhaps a divorce is necessary.

However, if I get a divorce, I don't know if I would ever go out and marry again. I might just take that separation and use it to my benefit, just giving everything to Him and not concerning myself with a worldly partner. If I met someone new I would have to pray a LOT about it before I jump in. I'm not a fan of "Hey we live in America. 6 marriages in a lifetime is normal!"

quote Originally posted by hugh: How does a couple who loved each other enough to get married,turn it around and want to divorce. Do they just grow apart? Did they rush into the marriage? Was one cheating on the other? Lying? Is one so dominant they stifle the other? When a married person describes their spouse they usually use the term : my husband or my wife.They usually mean my partner,but sometimes mean ownership of their spouse. Can it be the sex?It is such a small part of a marriage (but a very important one) . Any marriage can have problems,some can be saved by working together to solve the problems,some can't be saved because they are irreparably broken I know how lucky I am to have done it right the first time even though we were only together for 6 months before we got married almost 48 years ago.

Pretty much any of those or a combination thereof.

My first marriage ended over addiction, a reason you don't have listed. I gave my ex the money to pay the rent one day before I went to work. 3 days later the landlord knocked on my door wanting the rent money. My ex had taken the money and used it to buy meth. I picked up my daughter and walked out. That was it. I had enough. I made a mistake marrying her, one which I corrected.

For the next 5 years I fought to get sole custody of my daughter. Finally when my Ex was arrested for 9 felonies, the Judge had to beleive what I had been telling her all along. I now have sole physical and legal custody of MY daughter. MINE, because her bio Mom has not bothered to try to have any contact with her in over 7 years. My opinion? Good ridaince. She doesn't need that negative influence in her life.

[This message has been edited by Khw (edited 07-31-2010).]

My feeling is that no one respects the sanctity of a vow anymore. Our government perpetually lies to us, the church has failed us, and our parents all split up. So there isn't any need to hold to that vow once made before God and man. I am thankful that I have excellent role models in my parents, married 49 years this past June. Barbara and I are working on year 10, and my older brother and his wife are on lucky 13. To divorce in our family means something really went to hell. We watched our parents struggle and fight, but remain comitted to their marriage vows. That has put in me a true desire to want to make my wife happy at all times, and my happiness comes forth and multiplies from that effort. Some people are too selfish to make their spouses happiness a true priority. I think that the stories that others have told about their divorces show that to be true.

quote Originally posted by theBDub: And I agree. When it comes to situations of adultery or you find out the whole base of your foundation is a sham, then perhaps a divorce is necessary. However, if I get a divorce, I don't know if I would ever go out and marry again. I might just take that separation and use it to my benefit, just giving everything to Him and not concerning myself with a worldly partner. If I met someone new I would have to pray a LOT about it before I jump in. I'm not a fan of "Hey we live in America. 6 marriages in a lifetime is normal!"

Doesn't have to be 'moral' issues like adultery, it could be abuse, or wanting completely different paths in life.

Give everything to him? I thought you were a guy.. ( not that it matters just seemed odd )

quote Originally posted by User00013170: Give everything to him? I thought you were a guy.. ( not that it matters just seemed odd )

Maybe divorce would make him gay. Or more likely he is using the capatalized Him on purpose, referring, one may presume, to his God.

quote Originally posted by WhiteDevil88: Maybe divorce would make him gay. Or more likely he is using the capatalized Him on purpose, referring, one may presume, to his God.

Ah

1) She held me to high standards-- no cheating, etc.
2) She violated her own standards which resulted in divorce.

(This is in my case, yours may be different)

quote Originally posted by WhiteDevil88: My feeling is that no one respects the sanctity of a vow anymore. Our government perpetually lies to us, the church has failed us, and our parents all split up. So there isn't any need to hold to that vow once made before God and man. I am thankful that I have excellent role models in my parents, married 49 years this past June. Barbara and I are working on year 10, and my older brother and his wife are on lucky 13. To divorce in our family means something really went to hell. We watched our parents struggle and fight, but remain comitted to their marriage vows. That has put in me a true desire to want to make my wife happy at all times, and my happiness comes forth and multiplies from that effort. Some people are too selfish to make their spouses happiness a true priority. I think that the stories that others have told about their divorces show that to be true.

So, I was suppossed to continue in a relationship with a addict because it made her happy? Not to mention the verbal abuse I received from her and her cheating on me. Or was it her fault for not making my happiness a true priority?

My parents didn't divorce. They are still happily married. I have since remarried and am going on year 12. My current marriage has seen so many statistical breaking points we shouldn't be together anymore. Money. 2nd marriage. She was 18 when we got married. Loss of a child. Children with special needs (one with Cerebral Palsy the other recently diagnosed with Autism). The list goes on... Yet, here we are still together and I don't see that ever changing.

I haven't read everyones response, but Whitedevils caught my eye, and I like it. I think people enter into marriage looking for what they can get out of it and not what they can put into it. First of all, I consider marriage a covenant between my wife, God and I. That is a promise that I take serious and would never break. Marriage must be about the other person and not yourself. A successful marriage is not 50/50, it is both parties giving 100%. The only reason my marriage would end, is if she cheated on me. That's the only reason in which God allows me to leave. I could be the most miserable man on the planet, but I will fufill my vow to the end. My dedication to my promise is not dependant on what she puts into the marriage. We as a society have made it easy to quit and it has been modeled for us. We allow our kids to date anyone and everyone at will and tell them it is OK to quit any time they feel like. This only makes them experts at divorce. If kids truly understood that marriage is a life long commitment, maybe they would be more serious about whom they married.

Jim

quote Originally posted by Khw: So, I was suppossed to continue in a relationship with a addict because it made her happy? Not to mention the verbal abuse I received from her and her cheating on me. Or was it her fault for not making my happiness a true priority? My parents didn't divorce. They are still happily married. I have since remarried and am going on year 12. My current marriage has seen so many statistical breaking points we shouldn't be together anymore. Money. 2nd marriage. She was 18 when we got married. Loss of a child. Children with special needs (one with Cerebral Palsy the other recently diagnosed with Autism). The list goes on... Yet, here we are still together and I don't see that ever changing.

Khw, I doubt Whitedevil was speaking directly to you. In your case, I think your first wife broke her vows to you. I'm prepared to believe you did everything in your power to get her straight, but she didn't want that. The failure, we'll all agree, was hers. In my book, that lets you out of your vows. Particularly when a child is involved.

To continue on Whitedevil's good point, marrige was explained to me as a Covenant, which is different from a Contract. A contract says, you do your part, and I'll do mine. A covenant says, I'll do my part. Regardless of whether you do yours. Some partners, obviously, don't buy into the whole Covenant thing. Which explains why some marriges fail.

My wife & I agree on the Covenant model. I know I've screwed up. Royally. She's had reason to leave, but stayed. I fixed what I could, and she forgave the rest. Is she the easiest woman in the world to live with? I'll quote her own words: "How can you stand to live with me? I'm such a b****." My usual reply is, "Well, at least you're not boring..."

quote Originally posted by jimbolaya: I haven't read everyones response, but Whitedevils caught my eye, and I like it. I think people enter into marriage looking for what they can get out of it and not what they can put into it. *snip* Jim

Not everyone.

quote Originally posted by User00013170: Ah

Yeah I was talking about God there. Sorry that wasn't clear; my bad!

I've been married to the same wonderful woman for 29 years. Her only fault is her taste in men.

We've been through some great times and some hard times. Some times it was my fault for the problems, some times it was hers, there were times it wasn't either's fault just outside forces to deal with. There were times when the two bundles of joy we brought into this world together were the only reason she stayed with me or I stayed at home. Some say commication is the key, some say it's compromise. I really don't know but, I do know this. If'n either of us wins the Powerball.............................

Ron

Admit it Ron.

When it was your fault, it was your fault and when it was her fault, it was your fault.

quote Originally posted by User00013170: Not everyone.

I didn't say everyone. I think that's obvious or no one would stay married, ever.

Jim

Literally, books have been written on this subject.

I have seen couples that I thought were incompatable and would never last that are still together today 20 years later. Then there are couples that seemed like they had everything going for them but they are divorsed.

I personally think it comes down to compatability and a willingness to work at the relationship and compromise. The death nail for any relationship is when one or both people in the relationship have contempt for the other one. When you no long respect your spouse and you look down on them, then it opens the doors for all of the bad things to happen.

A marriage can recover from a lot of things. Infidelity, money mistakes, even incompatability can be overcome. But as soon as there is contempt, then the side that feels that way will won't do anything to salvage the relationship.

quote Originally posted by hugh: How does a couple who loved each other enough to get married,turn it around and want to divorce. Do they just grow apart? Did they rush into the marriage? Was one cheating on the other? Lying? Is one so dominant they stifle the other? When a married person describes their spouse they usually use the term : my husband or my wife.They usually mean my partner,but sometimes mean ownership of their spouse. Can it be the sex?It is such a small part of a marriage (but a very important one) . Any marriage can have problems,some can be saved by working together to solve the problems,some can't be saved because they are irreparably broken I know how lucky I am to have done it right the first time even though we were only together for 6 months before we got married almost 48 years ago.

When I got married I certainly discovered that my husband wasn't the person that I thought he was. Many many years later I discovered just how much of a liar he was and still is. I should have seen the red flags but I ignored them.