I've noticed something starting about 25 years ago.. You start off your life knowing almost nothing about death, especially if your grandparents and parents are fairly young when you came along. Slowly, over the first 30-40 years, that changes, as the granparents die, then the older uncles and aunts, and your own parents. The older you get, the more time you spend going to funerals, mostly relatives, mostly "the old folks".
But at some point, if you live long enough, at one of those funerals, it suddenly dawns on you that YOU, are now "the old folks". I made that observation to one of my cousin's a couple of years ago after we had buried his mother.
It also dawns on you, that there are fewer and fewer people attending these gatherings that you've actually met or know. Who knows their cousin's or great cousin's kids and grankids? I don't--no much anyway. Most of them don't know who "the old bearded guy" in the back row is either. In fact, the longer you live, you notice that there are actually fewer and fewer people total at these gatherings. My grandfather had 9 children. When he died, there were nearly 100 cars in his funeral procession from funeral parlor to cemetery. By the time the last of his 9 kids died, (my oldest paternal aunt) there weren't even 1/2 that many. I'm now into the 'cousins' part of it--lost one last June and another yesterday, and as soon as the arraignments are made, I'll go up to Tyler Tx and say my goodbyes to him, give my condolences to his widow and daghter and I will again notice how young most of the attendees are, how few of them are my direct relatives, and how few I recognize or can place as belonging to who. Such is life----and death.
You start off your life knowing almost nothing about death, especially if your grandparents and parents are fairly young when you came along. Slowly, over the first 30-40 years, that changes, as the granparents die, then the older uncles and aunts, and your own parents. The older you get, the more time you spend going to funerals, mostly relatives, mostly "the old folks".
When we were young, we believed it was "the old folks" who passed away. That's just the way that life works, right?
Well, we eventually discover that you can't plan on that.
Remember..and I am not being flippant..the only thing worse than getting old is not getting old.
Given the way I lived my younger life I can't express how heavy that statement weighs. I would contribute that maybe one thing worse is maybe knowing there isn't enough time left to tip the scales
If anyone is skating along thinking there is always enough time to do better ,trust me there isn't. You may not get old.
I didn't forsee just how 'fragmented' the family would get after my grandparents passed. We would all gather at their house for major holidays. My aunts and uncles and their kids. After they passed, everyone just did things at their own homes. Now my cousins all have kids and most live too far away to ever really see them.
Add to that some old wounds being reopened, and you have all the crap that most families have.
Benjamin Franklin said there were only two things certain in life:
"Death and Taxes."
I don't think a truer statement has ever been made ! We start out in life being taken care of by our parents and grandparents and as we get older we learn to take care of ourselves and then to take care of our grandparents and parents when they get older. the older we get the more we see in life that sucks, death is one of those things that suck but in some ways can be a blessing to some people sometimes, their suffering is over if they were suffering.
When we are young we think we are invincible and nothing can hurt us, until we lose that first person close to us. Then a little bit of us dies along with them and the dying begins slowly to begin for all of us. Every time we lose another person close to us we die a little bit more until it becomes our time to go, we never really know when it will be our time until the very end and then it's to late to say,
"I am Sorry !" "I Love You !"
And all the other things we should have or wanted to say over our lifetimes but never did or never said enough times to certain people.
Remember those you love or just know as long as you can and they will never truly be gone, remember the good times, the bad times the fun times and not so fun times, because we are all here for a short time and all we have to leave behind are those who remember us. As long as you remember them and you are remembered after you are gone we are never truly gone !
Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there. I did not die.
Mary Elizabeth Frye
Steve
------------------ Technology is great when it works, and one big pain in the ass when it doesn't
Detroit iron rules all the rest are just toys.
[This message has been edited by 84fiero123 (edited 08-25-2014).]
I read the thread about your friend Patrick, I really admire the way you helped his son. Your a good person and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.
It's about the milestones you share with your peer (age)group such as : graduations, marriage, children, grand children, retirement, and then if you live long enough...death. I hope to retire this next summer, the grandchildren part isn't looking promising at this time, so I guess I know what I have to look forward to-"there's just no escaping it (I think that's a quote from Houdini)."
Recently I could feel death was very near again, the closest I have been to it in ages due to an injury I suffered. When I die I want to greet death as an old friend, not as something to fear. As I get older death isn't as scary of a thing as it once was when I was younger.
It was a painful lesson. I'm still not completely over it. I'll probably never be.
Father died age 45. My age at the time: 16 Mother died age 52. My age at the time: 25 Older brother died age 40. My age at the time: 38
Yes, you probably never will be completely over it. But I don't think you want it to be. Because your best friends/relationships, should the pain ever go completely down to zero? 20 years since my brother's death. Still not zero.
Just need the pain to go down enough to not be a distraction from your daily roles.
You don't want to get to be a "pro" at handling death. But if that is what life hands you, you deal with it. And credit to you that you had relationships that valuable. Regarding Don's post, some of my patients say they are in the "funeral of the month" club. But if you live long enough, the pool of people around to attend is smaller.
Unless you continually distance yourself from everyone you ever come in contact with. But it is a shallow existence.
P.S. I'm 53 and been to 0 funerals.
Not a bad plan. Too late to enact that now.
I have had a rash of loss lately, but none due to age. All have either been illness or 'accidents'. Of course as you age you have more chances for bad things to happen, its not really 'getting older' that is doing it.
Recently I could feel death was very near again, the closest I have been to it in ages due to an injury I suffered. When I die I want to greet death as an old friend, not as something to fear. As I get older death isn't as scary of a thing as it once was when I was younger.
For me, its the exact opposite. The older i get the less i want to.
