A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said... "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!"
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.
"How come so much! I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' when they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke this window?'
'Uh....yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?' S h e mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.' Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies.'
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." ... You really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?
Tiger Woods is at a big golf tournament in Ireland. Between rounds, he takes his rented BMW out to tour the countryside. He stops to get gas and as the attendant is filling the car, Tiger gets out to stretch his legs. As he does, two golf tees fall out onto the ground. The attendant says "aye, what be dem tings?" Tiger says " they hold up my balls when I'm driving". The Irishman says "Jaysus, BMW tink of everyting!"
At about the 3.5 second mark, you may compare the size of the GW's pectoral fin to the diver, allowing you to appreciate the sheer gargantuan girth of the ' fish '. Clearly, the evolved intelligence of the 1-1/2-ton predator is what spared the abalone hunter from an instant decapitation, a gak moment ! ' Gee, that was close ! ', as the enormous tail swished by. ' Yeeks ! ' Note how many commentors write what they think the GW is thinking, anthropomorphizing a dinosaur's logic, wrongly, in error. the fish is thinking ' Eat ? or, not Eat ? ' You should so watch his video : Near Miss, Ron Elliot's GW encounters in the Farallons Near Miss 2018, a clear still of the approaching GW, four feet away. Project White Shark — The Farallon Islands
One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ‘All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.’
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!
Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the Italian fire chief, ‘What are you going to do with all that money?’
‘Wella,’ said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, ‘de fursta tinga we gonna do, isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!’
HAGO!
(I know it's an "old one"......but still funny to me every time I read/hear it!)
Many years ago (Around 1990) my neighbor gave me a birthday card....For years I thought the cartoon on the front was a "The Far Side" cartoon.....
Years later, I looked it up on line and realized it was a different cartoonist- Leigh Rubin....And while perusing some of his cartoons I came across what I think has to be the best use of words that mean different things (Homophones is the technical term)
[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 05-30-2022).]
" What to say when someone tells you that you don't know Jack Schitt:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
- U don't know Jack Schitt - Yes i do, he's Awe and O. Schitt's son "
Assassination attempted on Biden Saturday. A pretending to be a transgender liberal came up to Biden to shake his hand for doing such a great job as president. Biden’s Secret Service guard frisked the guy to make sure he was clean (meant dirty). They discovered the guy was carrying two full bottles of Head and Shoulders shampoo and immediately arrested him for attempting to off Biden. What is so dangerous about the shampoo you ask? Head and Shoulders removes flakes.
After having the 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor (veterinarian) and told him the he and his wife (cousin) didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure call a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." so he wanted a second opinion and he visited a doctor in Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand….
*This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia, Florida, So. Carolina, Missouri and Arkansas.
