I have seen the "Crunchy one before but never the Yabba-Dabba-do one...very good!
12-15 years ago, while working for the CG, I came up with my first cartoon...It would make a perfect "Far Side"...I drew it but then misplaced it....So after I retired I re-drew it...and have drawn a few more, since. Here is my first (But re-drawn)
Nice Aliens ' I swear, Herb, when they abducted me to their spaceship, they manipulated my mind, they made me do things. I felt like a plaything, their toy, to do what they pleased with me, I lost all control, they... they, used me. It felt like two weeks. '
' It was two weeks Bill, we found you in the milking shed. '
My ex-GF fell asleep while holding a cup of water- her dog barked at something startling her awake and of course the cup of water went flying, drenching her....So I came up with a cartoon of a product to sell using that...idea;
I sent it to Lisa and she showed it to her 84-year-old mother- who got a kick out of it....
Once upon a time, a blonde was so sick of hearing blonde jokes, that she had her hair cut, then dyed brown.
A few days later as she was out driving around, she stopped on a country road to let a big flock of sheep cross, followed by a shepherd.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she asked the farmer "If I can guess how many are in the flock, can I have one?"
The shepherd, being a gentleman and feeling confident the city girl would never guess correctly said "sure, go ahead."
The woman thought for a moment, then for no discernible reason, she said "352".
This being the correct #, the surprised shepherd said "Ok you're right but I'll keep my word. Take your pick."
The former blonde haired woman thought for a minute and after looking the flock over said "I'll take this one. He's way cuter and more playful than the rest".
When she was done, the shepherd said "Ok, now I have a proposition for you.
If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Back when I was about 4, we had an electric fence around the barnyard and day pasture. Unlike the newer fencers that pulse, that one was hot constantly. I grabbed a wire with both hands and couldn't let go. Mom heard me bellering and snatched me off by the collar. I can identify with this story. I also agree with the intro.
" Electric fence and a lawn mower
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80 humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. "
True story; when I was in school, one of my friends asked me if I had ever pissed on an electric fence. I said no. He said " DON'T "
My signature. Yep, I did it, when I was about 7 years old.
------------------ There are three kinds of men:
1. The ones that learn by reading. 2. The few who learn by observation. 3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. Will Rogers
