One of my favorite TV shows was "Titus" about a guy running a hot rod shop- and dealing with (Among other things) his really bad father (Played by Stacy Keach)
Chris Titus would tell you about something in his "Neutral space" and then it would play out; Here he tells us about how his father "Taught" him about things...Like 110 volts;
I once attended a party and cheated at a limbo contest. It was the lowest thing I ever did.
It was at that same party, that a travel agent told me he could get me a free trip to Giza Egypt if I got 5 others to sign up and go. Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.
When I was a boy, my father gave me the money to go down town to pay the electric bill but I bought a raffle ticket for a chance to win a new truck instead.
I told my dad when I got home and he whipped my ass, but the next morning, a new truck showed up in our driveway and we all stood around, hugged and cried, because it was the electric company truck come to shut off our lights. Dad whipped my ass again.
[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 09-30-2022).]
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh His Italian uncle, Day Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
A new work policy required everyone in my department to wear safety glasses. Since my vision was starting to get a little blurry and I had trouble seeing up close, I opted to get prescription glasses.
When I finished my eye exam, the optometrist suggested I get bifocals because my work required closeup detail work as well as the need to see some distance away. So, that be, lined bifocals were ordered.
The company notified each of us as our glasses came in to the optometrist. When my appointment day came up, I went to the doctor and got my glasses. She told me that because was the first glasses I had ever had and the fact that they were bifocals, I shouldn't leave immediately. She suggested that I go out to the waiting room and grab a magazine and see how well I could read. I was amazed at how large the print in the magazine appeared. Also, I should step outside and see if my distant vision was good and when she finished with another patient or two, she would call me back in to be sure everything was OK. Suddenly, it didn't seem that I had walked so far from the parking lot.
So, I did what she said and it wasn't too long until I was called back. As I entered the exam room, she noticed that the front of my pants was soaked. She asked if I had spilled something while I was in the waiting room to which I told her that it was the result of needing to go to the restroom.
She said that there was a restroom down at the far end of the hall and I should have asked one of the staff about using it. I told her that I found the restroom alright but when I went to pee I pulled out a great big one. I knew that wasn't mine so I pushed it back in and that's when all hell broke loose.
The Methodist Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. There were a multitude living on the grounds and they were even becoming disruptive. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy.They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church, Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one of the male squirrels and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue. When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some ******* has my pen!" - What do you call someone who steals a Tesla? Felon Musk - What do you call a criminal who laughs at everything you say? Jimmy Felon
What do you call a rare Egyptian fart? A toot uncommon - What do you call a couple that farts together? Toot in common. - Two men are... ...playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the guys up. One guy says to the other, "I'm gonna go ask them if we can play through." So, he takes off and gets about half way there, turns around and comes back without saying anything to the ladies. When he gets back his friend asks him what happened. "One of those ladies is my wife, and the other is my mistress," he answered. "Why don't you go talk to them?" So the other guy goes to talk with them but, again, about half way there he turns around and comes back. The first guy asks, "Now what happened?" The second guy answers, "Small world." - Now on sale at IKEA: Lesbian beds! No nuts or screwing involved... It's all tongue and groove.
Well, now that Valentines day is the next big holiday, It's time to bookmark that nice romantic song to send the wife on the morning of Feb 14th. (NSFW lyrics)
Once there was a midget rancher with a speech impediment in the market for a new mare. He finds one for sale, negotiates the price, and sets up an appointment to go check her out. The next day he pulls up to the farm where she is for sale in his F350 Dually and horse trailer and jumps out. He waddles up to the barn and meets the farmer. "Hey mithter, I'm here to thee the horth," he says. The farmer leads him over to her stall and they both lead her out of the barn where he can get a better look at her. He looks up and says, "Wow, nithe horth! Would you mind if I thee her earths?" The farmer says, "Go ahead..." Don't be a thmart ath," says the midget. "I'm a midget. You have to pick me up tho I can thee." So the farmer picks him up, even though he is quite heavy so he can see in her ears. "Wow, nithe earths." and the farmer puts him down. "I'd like to thee her eyeths..." The farmer lets out a sigh, bends down and again picks up the midget so he can see her eyes. "Oooh, nithe eyeths." Again, the farmer puts him down. "Can I thee her teeth?" Now the farmer is running out of patience, but he doesn't want to upset the little guy, so he exhales deeply and picks him up yet again. "Man, nithe teeth!" The farmer, who's back is starting to hurt again puts him down with a grunt. "Can I thee her mane?" he asks. Now the farmer has about had it, but figures there's not much more to see so this will be the last time, and he picks up the midget one last time to see her mane. "Wow, nithe mane..." The farmer almost drops him but puts him back down. The midget then walks around behind the horse, looks up and asks, "Can I see her twat?" The farmer is pissed at this point. He picks up the midget under one arm, lifts the tail with the other and stuffs the midget's head up inside the horse's wahoo so he can get a real good look. After a few seconds of the midget kicking and wiggling around, the farmer pops his head out and sets him back down. The midget coughs, spits, and breathes deeply to get air back in his lungs. After he composes himself, he looks up at the farmer and says, "Perhapths I should rephrase that... would you mind if I see her wun awound a wittle bit?"
Two Please ! Jimmy Kimmel's show covered the guy. ' Oh !... You don't do butter ! ' Today, we are tasked with applying the additives, like, we work for the movie chain.
[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 01-12-2023).]
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor. So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Costco! ---------
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, "Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, "Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
shem
That actually happened to me twice, when I was delivering lumber. Once at a job sight where the lead carpenter mistook me for a guy he had just hired who never showed up, and once at a lumber yard while I was sitting on a bundle of plywood, waiting for the forklift driver to show up and unload me.
Twice at different lumber yards I was mistaken for an employee lol
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I’ve been his customer for five years. I never knew he was a barber. --------------- Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records. --------------------- I'm at Walmart scanning and bagging almost $300 worth of groceries while the associate who wants $15 an hour "monitors me" and then this happened.
Associate - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Associate - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Associate - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's alright with you.
Associate - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Associate - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Associate - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Associate - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Associate- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Associate- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills. --------------------- My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana. I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was. --------------------- They really should stock ATM’s better. I went to five different ones today and they all said insufficient funds. ----------------- A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The clerk showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ ‘Can you read this?’ the clerk asked. ‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, 'Hell, I know the guy!’ ------------------- A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat.." He raised an eyebrow and replied, If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." --------------------- A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond... ... feeling sad. He decides to go to a fortune teller in hopes of knowing his future.
The fortune teller tells him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”
Excited, the male frog questions the fortune teller, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”
The fortune teller continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months from now in a biology class.”. --------------------- An elderly man goes to his doctor concerned about his wifes hearing. The doc suggests as a gauge to speak from a distance, moving closer until she hears him. He gets home and his wife is cooking dinner. He stands in the doorway and says, "honey whats for dinner?" No response is heard. He moves closer and tries again, nothing. Again moving closer, still no response. Now hes standing next to her and asks again, "honey whats for dinner?" The wife throws down the spatula, gives him an angry look and says "FOR THE FOURTH F#$%^*G TIME WERE HAVING CHICKEN!"
Run peter ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! Thats no joke!
A woman asks her husband to go to the grocery store. She says “buy a loaf of bread, and if they have avocados get six.” An hour later, her husband returns with six loaves of bread. “They had avocados.” he explains. ------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a se x therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” he asked.
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t,” she said.
“Yes, I did,” he told her.
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” she asked.
“Oh… she got fired too.” -------------
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.” -------------------
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
“What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What in the world was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called.” ----------------------------- A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.” ------------------------------------
That is hilarious! (I wouldn't.....Cut him off!)
