A penguin is driving her car on a hot day when she notices smoke coming from the engine compartment. The penguin stops at a mechanic's shop and asks the mechanic if he could look at the car. The mechanic tells the penguin it's going to take a while for him to do so, so the penguin decides to go get an ice cream in the mean time, since it's a very hot day. When the penguin returns at the shop she asks the mechanic if he has found anything, the mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal.". The penguin, while wiping her mouth "No, no, that's just ice cream".
My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.
I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing. -------------------------
When should you use condoms ? On every conceivable occasion. -----------------------
I'm pretty sure my wife is adding glue to my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns. -----------------------
Why does the current presidency appear to be taking turns between Republicans and Democrats as nominees?
-So the government doesn't have to dismantle itself all at once. -To prevent the opposing side from freaking out - Because they have to catch the sheep up with the remaining flock, who were left behind by the previous presidency. - To get away with passing laws and then overturn them when applicable at the expense of a targeted population. - To see if America is awake from their coma. -------------------------
What’s the male version of a Karen called? I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate. --------------------------
Reporter: What would you do if someone broke into your home with the intention of harming you or your family?
Guy: I’d call 8-1-1
Reporter: You mean 9-1-1 don’t you?
Guy: No, 8-1-1 because I want to know where to dig the hole. -------------------------------
A gray haired Army general... walked into a hotel bar late one afternoon and sat down next to an attractive young woman. They hit it off and the girl, since she really likes older men, especially in uniform, said, "Why don't you come up to my room?"
The general replied, "I'm flattered, but at my age I'm not sure things would work the way you hope."
"But you're in good shape," she said. "Tell me, when was the last time you had sex?"
"Oh," said the general, "It was probably 1950 or so."
"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed the young lady. "Well, I'm sure it will all come back to you."
So they end up in bed and had a wild time for several hours. The general really had some skills. When it was all over the young lady looks into his eyes and said, "General, that was wonderful. I'm impressed that you haven't forgotten a thing since 1950."
The general said, "Well, I should hope not, it's only 2130 now. ------------------------------------
I was having lunch by myself at a restaurant when a very pretty girl walked up to me and asked if I was single,
I smiled and said, "Yes, I am." She said, "Then you won’t mind if I take this chair from your table." ---------------------------------
A manager hired...
...a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.
One morning, while taking dictation for a letter, she noticed that his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee, so he called her into his office and asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning did you happen to see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "No sir. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." ----------------------------------------
I started my new job as a bingo caller...
... last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear,
"Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly up to your ass hole." -------------------------------------
Senior citizens' ranch: Pasture Prime ----------------------------------
It’s a good thing
Gatorade was created by the University of Florida.
If it had been Florida State, they’d call it Seminole Fluid... - shem
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house..... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!' ------------------------------
Why teachers drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ....... And they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby
Q.... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head --------------------------------
A redneck needed a car but only had $200
the car salesman said you can have a BMW i've got in the back but there's a small problem no doors! The redneck said, "That will never work !" "How will I get in ? " -----------------------------
Irony These three statements tell you a lot about our government and our culture: 1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works. And another statement for consideration: 2. We constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money? What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t. Finally ... 3. The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever — to 47 million people — as of the most recent figures available in 2013. Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” The stated reason for this policy is because “The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.” Thus ends today's lesson on irony. ------------------------------
My trip to Market Basket
Yesterday I was at my local Market Basket buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pets, Betty & Pook, the Wonder Dogs, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think...I had an elephant?
So, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack. He was laughing so hard.
Market Basket won't let me shop there anymore. --------------------------
What's wrong with your girlfriend being a **** star ? She's going to be really pissed when she finds out ! ---------------------------
They've come out with...
...a new Viagra for depression...
...it holds your chin up. ---------------------------
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.
While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?”
He said, “Two words.”
“And, Sir, what are they?”
“Right decisions.”
“But how do you make right decisions?”
“One word,” he responded.
“And, Sir, what is that?”
“Experience.”
“And how do you get experience?”
“Two words.”
“And, Sir what are they?”
“Wrong decisions.” ----------------------------
6:30 is the best time on a clock................
Hands down. ----------------------------
Got fired from my job as set designer. I left without making a scene. -------------------------------
I can tell when people are being judgmental..... ..................just by looking at them. -----------------------------
Just bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible................it's also terrible. ---------------------------
A lawyer calls up a plumber to look at a problem at his house.
The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.
The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"
The lawyer smirks and says, "two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $300 / hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?" ---------------------------
German word for constipation: farfrompoopen --------------------------
What happens when you drink Magnesium Citrate?
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...
12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm Bud Light and you want to be cool in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs. of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a **** coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The **** /water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench what's left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the **** sweats. You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it." ----------------------------------
Doctor: “Your wife’s in the hospital.”
GrizLeBare: “How is she?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”
GrizLeBare: “Yeah, you get used to that....” -----------------------------
Fill in the blanks:
s_x f_ _ k p_ n _ s pu_s_ boo_s _ _ ndom
six, fork, pants, pulse, books, random. If you missed them all, you're a pervert ( like me ). ------------------------
Curtis, Leroy and a mule
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked, “What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1,998.00.
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his two dollars back." -----------------------------
1,000,000 years, B.C.
Hot babe, barely dressed, seldom speaks and can help fight off a wild boar. What's not to like? -------------------------
What do you call someone who was dropped on their head as a baby? Hard to say; every one of them has their own pronoun now -----------------------
Diet
An obese man is standing naked in front of his doctor.
The doctor says, "I'm sure you are aware that you have a serious weight problem."
The man says, "Doc, I know. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years."
The doctor asks, "Then why don't you diet?"
And the fat man says, "Why? What color is it now?" ---------------------
Top 10 signs you are completely senile < caseyatthebat > 2023-09-05 07:10
Falling up stairs Falling off bike Falling down at ceremonies Falling asleep at events Likes kids better than people Accosting little girls and sniffing their hair Confusing countries such as Iraq, Iran, China, Ukraine, Canada Forgets the VP is not the President Whispering for no reason Raising voice for no reason Shaking hands with ghosts Confused about how to exit stage Forgets the queen is dead Forgetting where your son died Can't read a teleprompter Confuses the preamble of the Declaration of Independence Confusing the number 10 with 17 --------------------------
A man boards a plane...
...with six kids off various ages. Once they all get settled in their seats, a woman across the aisle leans over and asks the gentleman, "Are all these your children?"
To which the man replies, "No; I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints." -------------------------
Bill and Todd were talking...
...at the cafe. Bill said, "I think people who correct other people's spelling and grammar are terribly insecure and feel they need to prove their intellectual superiority at every opportunity."
"That makes sense," replied Todd.
"I'm glad that doesn't apply to you or I," said Bill.
"Apply to you or me," Todd said smartly. -----------------------------
Quote from Robin Williams : " Do you think God gets stoned / " " Think of the PLATYPUS ! " --------------------------
To the lady at WalMart with the screaming kids who is wondering how a box of condoms got into her cart. You're welcome ! --------------------------
Speaking of WalMart.........
I had some errands to run and would be out in public, so I got cleaned up ,groomed myself, and put on some nice clothes.
I ended up in WallyWorld and people wearing PJ's with thier buttcracks showing were staring at me like I was a freak.
I think I may be on Youtube. ----------------------------
Pirates
Why is pirating so addictive? Once ye lose yer hand, ye get hooked.
How do pirates communicate? With an aye phone.
Why did the pirate quit playing golf? He kept hooking the ball.
What did the pirate say when he got his wooden leg stuck in the snow? Well shiver me timber !
Pirate's favorite movie: Booty and the Beast ( it's arrr-rated )
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? He was standing on the deck. ----------------------
A politician spends the night with a hooker
in the morning he places $2,000 on her night stand. She thanks him but declares," I only charge $200 a night." The politician questions her and says," How can you make a living for that ?" I also do a little blackmailing ! -------------------------------
Large number of crows flew by the house
Wife said, "look, a murder of crows" Language is mistfying... would not it be more correct to refer to a large group of politicians as a " murder of truth" -----------------------------
John is getting... ...into the shower just as his wife, Alice, is getting out. Alice is just wrapping a towel around her when there is a knock at the door. So, Alice goes downstairs and opens the front door to find Bob, the next door neighbor standing there, mouth agape. After a moment's pause, Bob hesitantly says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop your towel and give me a look."
Alice thinks for a moment before dropping her towel to the floor. Bob just stands there gawking at her for the better part of a minute before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a wad of money. He counts out eight one hundred dollar bills and hands them to her before turning around and walking back home.
Alice picks up her towel, wraps it around her body again and goes back upstairs. John asks her, "Who was it?"
"Oh, it was just our neighbor Bob," she replies.
"Great!" exclaims John. "Did he say anything about that $800 he owes me?" ----------------------------
Their making a new birth control pill that tastes like a mint. It's called predickamint ! --------
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer? ----------------------------
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed." -----------------------------
Me ( to midget ): "Do you need some help carrying that big-screen TV ?" Midget: "It's an Ipad, ass hole." --------------------
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works all day to give us a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid asks, "What if they try to escape?" ------------------------
I log into Facebook and see that everyone is at the bar... So I go to the bar and see that everyone is on Facebook -----------------------
Maybe I drink too much.
Last night a mosquito bit me. It flew around in circles for a few seconds, then dropped dead. ----------------------
Jim Bob had a dog.
His neighbor was a professional lady who had a cat. This cat was special. It was long haired and had won prizes in several shows. One morning, the dog came home with the cat in his mouth. It was as dirty as a long haired cat can get and was very dead. "Holy Crap", thought Jim Bob, "What am I going to do?" Finally Jim Bob decided. He washed the cat, blow dried it, combed it out and put it in a natural pose on the lady's porch.
A couple of days later Jjm Bob ran into her at the market. He asked, "Whats new?" She said, "Very strange, my cat died, I buried it, then the next day it was back on my porch". -----------------------
Poaching defenseless animals is wrong ! They are much better roasted ! ------------------------
Bubba was watching pron when his wife
walked in, he quickly switched to his favorite hunting channel. His wife said, " you should keep watching pron, you already know how to hunt ! ----------------------------
I'm not lazy...............
I'm just highly motivated to do nothing. -----------------------
Cancel my subscription...............
I don't need your issues. -----------------------
Please use grammar good.
I hate people, who compose there sentences incorrect. They think there so smarter but their actually acting so stupid.
Isn't it ironical! ---------------------------
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat
next to another guy. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy.
"Magic beer," the guy says.
"Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?"
Then the guy shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
"Amazing!" the man says. "Lemme try some of that!" The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. "You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman." --------------------------
My favorite childhood memory is...............
..........................my back not hurting. ------------------------
A pirate goes to a doctor and says, " aye got me
some moles on me back ." After examining the pirate the doctor says," Not to worry they are benign ! Alas the pirate exclaims, count agin there be ten ! " ----------------------
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could Arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say
POLISH REMOVER ---------------------------
The Hypnotist at a Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"CRAP" said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again. ------------------------------
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd
in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT. ---------------------------------
I always wanted to marry a rich, smart,beautiful woman. That's why I've been married three times. ----------------------------------
Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally .
He came back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich. --------------------------
A Ride in the Prairie.
A young college graduate student was taking a sabatical and making a long-awaited road trip across Indian lands in the South West. She was driving across the prairie, when her car's radiator over heated, and the engine froze. Being far out of cell phone coverage, she was becoming quite worried, when in the distance she saw a Native American riding a horse along a trail. She started calling out and waving her arms, and it wasn't long before he noticed her. He rode up to her, and she pleaded with him to help her get to the nearest town. He said sure, and held out his arm to help her get up on the horse behind him. She held on to his waist, and they started riding toward civilization. After a little while, the Indian let out a loud yell, Yahoo! The woman thought this must be a custom, and didn't worry about it. A little while later, he shouted again, Yahoo! This made her a little curious, but didn't know what to say about it. Eventually, they reached a service station on the outskirts of a town, and after a last loud whoop, the Native dropped the young woman off, and headed back to his reservation. The service station attendant asked what had made him so excited, and the woman shrugged, saying she didn't know. She only put her arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn with both hands to keep from falling off. Lady, said the gas jockey, Indians don't use saddles. ---------------------------
Joe said "I thought I was just buying Viagra...
From the Chinese."
They said "You give us money, we fix erection for you." ------------------------------
Christine was the worlds first self driving car to catch on fire way before Tesla made it a standard feature. -----------------------------
What's Irish and... ...stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture -------------------------
The latest from 'woke' Disney...
...is that they are coming out with a new animated feature movie about a transgender whale. They are calling it Maybe Dick. -----------------------
A young construction worker was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He kept making digs at one of the older workers. Eventually the old man had enough. " Put your money where your mouth is," he said, "I'll bet your week's wages that i can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to haul back." You're on, old man." The braggart replied. The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow with both handles and said," All right, get in you prick." -----------------------------
When Cletis was young he used to sniff gasoline to get high. These days he switched to cocaine to save money . ---------------------------------
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair. ----------------------------
A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank… Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The customer replies, “YES!” The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!… shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????” The man calmly responds, “No … But My Wife Did!” ----------------------------
What is politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep **** .” ------------------------------------
A young man with...
...his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, and a 1/2 inch gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare; I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system; you know, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2023 Mercedes Benz, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. And this is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as she is in her twenties and has a high sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed said, "You've got to be bullshitting me!"
"Yeah, well," replied the social worker, "You started it." -----------------------------
Barbie...
...sure has a lot of nicer things for a girl whose knees don't bend. --------------------------------
This guy goes to...
...the doctor and says, "Doctor, my bottom really hurts."
The doctor asks, "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"
The guy says, "Right around the entrance. It's really sore."
"In my expert medical opinion," answers the doctor, "As long as you call that the entrance, it'll continue to hurt." ---------------------------------
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in a different box.... -------------------------------
Bill went into his...
...12 year olds son Tony's bedroom the other day and saw that he had a 42-inch plasma TV. So when Tony got home from school that day, Bill questioned him.
"Son, where did you get the TV? Did you steal it?" Bill asked.
"No, Dad," replied Tony. "I didn't steal it. I bought it."
"Really?" Bill questioned. "Where did you get the money? Are you dealing drugs? I know you don't have a job."
"Of course not," Tony answered. "I saved up my hiking money."
"Your hiking money? What in the world is 'hiking money'?"
"Well," said Tony, "Whenever you're out, Uncle Bob comes around, gives me a twenty and tells me to take a hike." ----------------------------------
What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?...
Wendy's ---------------------------------
The Skin Graft A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks. ----------------------------
What should we do with
people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?
Kick them out of congress... ------------------------
Eggs in marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it.
“Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. “Here, my love, enjoy!”
Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.” ---------------------------
Whenever you feel sad...
It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH.” --------------------------
Never Agitate A Nurse
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil." ------------------------------
New York Taxi Driver ONLY A JEWISH TAXI CAB DRIVER WOULD THINK OF THIS.
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, 'What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?'
The old Jewish driver answered, 'Let me tell you sumsing, lady - I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.'
The drunk woman giggled and responded, 'Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?'
He paused a moment, then told her. 'Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?' -------------------------------
The other day my blonde neighbor, came running
up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy" She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!' Then she said, "There's more" I asked, "What do you mean there's more?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, I went to Sam's Club and they had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive --------------------------
Telling time with Roman numerals ? Not on my watch. -----------------------
A male whale and...
...a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same one that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our airholes at the same time. That should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and, sure enough, the boat listed to one side, took on water and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach land."
At this point he realized the female was reluctant to follow him. She said, "Look, I went along with the blowjob but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." ----------------------
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. -------------------------
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!" --------------------------
Some lawyers are called "Ambulance Chasers."
My wife is such a bad driver, ambulances chase her! ------------------------
It's really bad when you have to find it to piss
Worse is having to piss to find it. --------------------------
A young blonde's husband abruptly packs his clothes, cleans out the bank account and hauls butt (for obvious reasons).
2 days later, the blonde is driving around trying to figure out how she's going to live, & where she can get money for food and rent. She sees kids walking up the sidewalk going home from school and after watching where they go, she hatches out a kidnapping scheme. Next afternoon, she grabs a young boy off the sidewalk, writes out a note that says "Put $10,000 in a bag and place it behind the oak tree next to the school tomorrow or you'll never see your son again". She pins the note on his shirt and sends him on up the sidewalk into his house.
Next day she goes to the oak tree and there is a bag with $10K inside and a note that says: "How could you do this to a fellow blonde???"
(if this offends you, maybe you should consider shaving your head bald)
[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 09-14-2023).]
Rob Nelson Baron of Gray Matter 2 hours ago ' A guy dies and goes to hell. He is in a hall with many, many doors. He has five minutes to open doors to determine which room of punishment he will spend eternity in. It was horrible, every door he opened had people enduring unspeakable acts. Until, he opens a door, folks are standing in horsesheet up to their knees. They are talking among themselves, having a beverage and a donut. He says, ' This is it! ' He meets people, has a beverage and is enjoying his donuts when a bell rings and a voice says, ' Okay, everyone, break's over ! Everyone back on your heads ! '
...were out on a date, celebrating their 10th anniversary. As they left the restaurant, the wife points and says, "Look at that drunk guy. I used to know him."
The goodness asks, "Really? Who is he?"
She answers, "His name us Bill, and he proposed to me a few months before we met."
"Wow!" says her husband. "And he's still celebrating." -------------------------------------
I've always heard that lawyers charge an arm and a leg but a retainer too? Now my teeth are gonna be all ****ed up. -----------------------------
The White house assures inflation is... only affecting people who need to buy stuff. ------------------------------
As an experiment, I combined some Viagra with penis enlargement pills and dissolved them in some eye drops.
It made me take a long, hard look at myself. ------------------------------
Las Vegas Casinos
Did you know that Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks.
Ouch! You didn't even see it coming did you? -----------------------------------
Senior Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, Arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist:"Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." ----------------------------
I debated a flat farther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He'll come around eventually ! ------------------------------
When farts turn into biscuits
It's best to fast than risk it. -----------------------------
Wool ewe be my friend?
If yes, we'll have a relation-sheep. Sorry....................I know that was baaaad. ----------------------------
What sound do porcupines make when they have sex ?
He was asked if there was a real noble thing he had done in his life. Well, I once ran across a biker gang that had surrounded a young girl and was starting to molest her. I walked up to the biggest baddest man and knocked him out. St Peter said, "Wow, that is amazing. When did this happen?" Mike, "Oh, about 10 minutes ago." --------------------------
What do you get if you splice the genes of a pheasant, a duck, and a rhino ?
PHUCKIFINO ! ----------------------
Professional Worrier
David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he’d been working with the specialist for a few months, David’s friend John noticed a change. “What happened?” John asked. “You don’t worry about anything anymore.”
“I hired a professional worrier!” David answered.
“That must cost a fortune,” John said.
“Yes, he charges $3,000 a month,” David said sheepishly.
“Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?” John exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” David said. “That’s his problem.” ----------------------------
Where’s Susie
A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Her mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.” “What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you.” Her dad said, “Bring Susie over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s butt with it and said, “OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Her dad said, “Where’s Susie?” The little girl said, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there’s another dog pushing her home.” -----------------------------
went swimming at the public pool yesterday. Took a pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in. ------------------------
I saw a picture of asteroid crater in Arizona
you should see how close it came to hitting the visitor center! ----------------------------
A tweaker will steal your **** then
help you look for it. --------------------------
Funnyish **** movie titles.... < moe-and-ron > 2023-09-13 17:49
40 Gays in 40 Nights A Beautiful Behind A Clear And Present Stranger A Clockwork Orgy A Few Hard Men Add Momma to the Train Any Given Cumday Any Officer and a Genitalman Assablanca Ass Ventura: Crack Detective Bat Dude and Throbbin Batman in Robin Beaver and Buttface Beverly Hills, 9021-Ho! Beverly Hills Copulator Blown in 60 Seconds Bi-Curious George Bitanic Bang Hur Behind Enemy Behinds Bite Club Black **** Down Brassiere to Eternity Breast Side Story Buffy the Vampire Layer Bum Fight at the OGay Corral Bush Hour Clif Banger Cliff’s Hanger **** Block and Two Smoking Whores Crocodile Blondee Crocodile Done Me Dawson’s Crack Drill Bill Dude, Where’s My Dildo? E.T. The Extra-Testicle Edward Penishands Everyone I Did Last Summer Evil Head Fast & Curious Ferris Bueller Gets Off Ferris Bueller's Jerk Off Fifty First Orgasms Flesh Dance For Your Thighs Only Forrest Hump Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming Gangbangs of New York Glad He Ate Her Good Will Humping Grinding Nemo Gulp Fiction Homo Alone How I Wet Your Mother Horat! How Stella Got Her Tube Packed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Gays I Know Who You Did Last Summer In Diana Jones and the Temple Poon In and Out… and In Again Inrearendence Day Inspect Her Gadget Intercourse with a Vampire I Dream of Weenie Johnny Pneumatic Jurassic Pork Kinky Kong King Dong Laid in Manhattan Legally Boned Lara’s Craft: Womb Raider Meet Joe’s Black **** Muffy the Vampire Layer My Big Fat Greek **** Malcolm XXX Man On The Poon Men in Back My Best Friends Wetting May The Foreskin Be With You Missionary Impossible Mr. Hollund's Phallus Mrs. Griz LeBares It All My Bare Lady My Big Lebowski Naporneon Dynamite Night of the Giving Head Nutting Hill Ocean’s 11 Inches Oklahomo On Golden Blonde One Blew Over Miss LuLu’s Chest Passenger 69 Pocahotass Poonies Pulp Friction Penetrator Presumed Impotent Raiders of the Lost Arse Romancing the Bone Robocock Remember the Tight Ones Romeo in Juliet Saturday Night Beaver Schindler’s Fist School of **** Sexbusters Sisterhood of the Traveling Sluts Sleeping Booty Sleeping with Seattle Slutter Island Sorest Rump Star Whores (Episode IV: A New Hole) Shaving Ryan’s Privates Throbbin’ Hood: Prince of Beavers The Bare ***** Project The Bitches of Eastdick The Bone Ranger The Boobyguard The Cockfather The Da Vinci Load The Devil Wears Nada The Good The Bed and The Snuggly The Inseminator The Italian Blowjob The Joy Suck Club The Loin King The **** Ultimatum The Slutty Professor The Texas Vibrator Massacre The Whore of the Rings The Hitchhikers Guide to the G-Spot The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String The **** Identity The Sperminator The Texas Vibrator Massacre Three Men And A Barbie Throbin Hood Tiger’s Wood Turner & Cooch Twin Cheeks Village of the Rammed Waiting to XXXhale Weapons of Ass Destruction Wet Dreams on Elm Street What About Boob? White Men Can’t Hump Whore of the Rings Whorey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls Womb Raider Yank My Doodle, It’s a Dandy! You’ve Got Male --------------------------
Dropped my pants and asked my girlfriend if she thought it looked like a clock. She said no. Told her to add two hands and a faceClick to showClick to show
My wife asked me if I was having sex behind her back. I said, "Of course...............who do you think it was ?" ----------------------
Hair on the top, hair on the bottom, in the middle a wet slit. What am I ? ..................................................................................an eye. -----------------------
A salesman was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead
of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The salesman made a
beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to
see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest
kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The salesman was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM,
withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern,
the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the
forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went
to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded:,
'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile.
Now thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
You can't tell the difference between a ‘simple blessing’ and ‘last rites’. -------------------------
We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Preschool Teacher
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
(scroll on down)
|
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? -----------------------------
A young woman is visiting her husband parents one summer afternoon. After dinner and a long conversation, his mom asks the girl, "So, based on what's in your account right now, how many kids can y'all afford?"
The young woman quickly answers, "At this point, I can only afford to swallow them." --------------------------
Betty, at 83 years of age, says to her 85 year old husband, "George, have you noticed that new couple who moved in across the street a few weeks ago? Every morning he gives her a real nice kiss on his way out to work. How come you never do that?"
"Well," says George, "For one thing, I don't go to work. For another thing, I don't even know the woman." -----------------------
What was Ted Bundy's last job in prison ?
Conductor ! ---------------------
What goes on pages 4+5 of aTesla owners manual ?
The train and bus schedules ! -----------------------
My real ladder left when I was only 5 Y.O...
...Now I have a step-ladder -------------------
Two Irishmen are having a drink in a pub across
from a brothel. They see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel and one says," Tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin" bad !" Later they witness a Rabbi entering the brothel then one says, "Aye it's a shame to see the Jews falling victim to temptation ! And just before they leave the pub they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and they both say," It's a pity, one of the girls is quite ill !" ----------------------------
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow", the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Teri."
In disbelief, the caseworker says, "Are you serious? They're all named Terry?"
Theur momma replied, "Well, yes it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, "Terry!" an' when it's time for dinner, I just yell "Terry!" and they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry."
The social worker thinks this over a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names." ----------------------
If you want me to scale back on the fish puns... Just let minnow. --------------------
My cat suddenly got very ill, so I immediately
called the purramedic. -------------------
A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower." ----------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National! Health Care
Ya know those things they put in 'squeaky' toys to make 'em squeak
Yeah... they should put those in breast implants. -----------------------
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masterbate, she:
A) Has intimacy issues
B) Is frigid
C) Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus ---------------------------
Technically speaking...
...all the money you have ever spent on the food you've eaten has been flushed down the toilet. - Technically, no
Try eating raw oysters...on a boat...on a windy day. You can give back to the sea that gave you so much. -------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor I want to have a baby but my husband is adamant that he doesn't want any children. What can I do?"
The doctor tells her that the next time she goes to have sex with her husband, take a sewing needle and poke holes in the tip of the condom.
A few days later the woman goes back to the doctor and says, "Doctor it didn't work, after I poked holes in the condom my husband didn't want to have sex anymore.
The doctor says, "Yes I just saw him earlier. Next time do it before you put the condom on him." --------------------
I refuse to go to the gym.
It's a form of resistance training. ------------------
It took me forever to find my TV controller.
It was in a remote location again. --------------------
Years ago, I told my mother I was born again. She said she didn't feel a thing. -------------------
A wife asks her husband, “How would you describe me?” He replies, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
The confused wife asks, “What does that mean?” Her husband replies, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
The wife says, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?” “I’m just kidding!” ----------------------
My son asked me today, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”
I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most beautiful blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”
He asked, “So what happened?”
I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately, the arrow missed and hit your mother.” -----------------------
Pregnancy Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he graduates high school.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what is your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. It's she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from giving birth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change your baby's diaper right away.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: HaHa. HaHaHa! HaHaHaHaHa!! HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!! ---------------------
If I go to an animal shelter to get a pet I am a hero.
But if I go to a woman's shelter to get a girlfriend I am suddenly a bad person? --------------------
I don't care...
...how nice the hand soap smells, you should never come out of the restroom smelling your fingers. ----------------------
Did you hear of the first female referee in the NFL ? She threw a flag for something that happened LAST season ! ----------------------
A friend was in a horrible car accident
He lost his whole left side.
He's all right now. ---------------------
I just did my part for the environment.
I unplugged 5 cars nobody was using ! -------------------
How does The Rock pee ? He dwaynes his johnson ! ---------------------
The Pillsbury doughboy just died. His funeral will be at 350, and take 15-18 mins. -------------------
Why are books about helium so good?
You just can't put 'em down ---------------------
I'll be naming...
...my next daughter 'Pregnant,' so when a boy meets her:
boy: Hi, my name's Stanley.
her: Hi! I'm Pregnant; is nice to meet you. ---------------------
a UFO lands on the lawn in front of the White House... secret service tries arrest them ICE tries to deport them Congress imposes a parking fee and estabishes a committee to discover why they came here... ----------------------
Monica Lewinsky's new book title
A TASTE FOR POWER ! -----------------------
Monica's favorite bird?
I don't know, but it isn't the swallow. -------------------
What do you call a wandering caveman ? < Fishslayer20 > 2023-09-20 12:09
MEANDERTHAL ! --------------------
What's every blonds ambition ?
Be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet ! -----------------------
Me: "I'm sure glad the doctor said I could masturbate as much as I want." Wife: "That's not what he said. He said you could have a stroke at any time." -----------------------
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet ?
He was looking for Pooh. ------------------------
I once dipped my testicles in glitter.
Pretty nuts, huh ? ---------------------
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?
Unfortunately, many soles were lost. --------------------
The hairdresser
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the
size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new
planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if
I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
He said: "Who ruined your hair?" ----------------------------
"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own, then." ------------------
Little Linda crawls up...
...on her daddy's lap and asks, "Daddy, why do people hang horses?"
"Nobody hangs horses, darling," he consoles her. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"I just heard Mommy on the phone saying that her new boss is hung like a horse." ------------------------
I ducked into a burger joint for a snack, and..
the kid at the table next to me threw his fries on the floor. His hot mom started spanking him for doing it. Well you just dontt see that kind of discipline very much these days... so I threw my fries on the floor too. ----------------------
Clean coal is like a porous condom !
At least the intention was good ! ----------------------
Michael Vick said," Someone told me there is
caffeine in chocolate, so why is my dog still asleep ! --------------------
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says Saint Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted." ---------------------------
DEBT CEILING FOR DUMMIES!!!!
This is a simple but effective way to explain to the illiterate the issue of the day !!!
THE DEBT CEILING Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING Many Republicans don't understand the DEBT CEILING NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING SO Allow me to explain... Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do? Raise the ceiling or pump out the poop? Your choice is coming in November. Don't miss the opportunity! ----------------------------
It has been said that politics is the second... oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. -----------------------------
How do you breakup a bingo game in North Korea ? YELL B-52 !!! -------------------------------
Turning plants into burgers ?
Having Cows been doing this forever ? -----------------------------
If I hit the Big One; none of my neighbors will be poor!
I'll be moving to a much better neighborhood. --------------------------
The scale
A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.
A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of my new diet!"
His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"
And the redneck says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way too..." --------------------------
My sex life the last three or four years has been like Covid. It seems like everyone but me is getting it. ------------------------
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father’s opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.” -------------------------
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450-yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said, “What’d you do that for?” God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?” ------------------------
I sea where this is going
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new friggin boat.” -------------------------
There's nothing like waking up to sex in the morning.
Unless you're in prison. -----------------------
If you ever...
...fall down in public, pick yourself up and say, "Sorry, it's been a while since I inhabited a body."
Then just walk away. --------------------------
Jenny and...
...her husband of nine years were out in the hills of eastern Tennessee having a romantic picnic when she asked, "Darling, if the world was to end in ten minutes, what would you do?"
Without hesitation Billy answered, "I would have passionate, mad sex with you."
To which Jenny inquired, "And what would you do with the remaining eight minutes?" ---------------------------
I spent...
...last night defrosting the fridge. Or foreplay, as she likes to call it. ---------------------
Birth control for men
So there is a new birth control pill for men- you put it in your shoe and it makes you limp... ----------------------
Green, green, pink, yellow
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. ---------------------------
Little John the Baptist Matt..18:4-5 "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
Have a great day! Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your granny has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it up state.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does
$100,000 worth of improvements and you get to tell the news people how 'It sounded just like a train!' 7 times.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. And sometimes when you USE the toilet brush to scratch your back it gets tangled in your back hair.
30. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
31. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. -------------------------------
After my wedding...............
Me: "Didn't she look radiant as she swept down the aisle ?" Best man: "You can bet that's the last time she'll be sweeping." ----------------------------
I wasn't a good-looking baby................
My mother got morning sickness immediately AFTER I was born. -----------------------------
How engineers differ from other professions
engineers see the world as right or wrong .... black and white The liberal arts major sees the gray in living, concede your position to get along The medical major sees the cause of things, if he can't heal it, give it a new name The law major sees the what ifs in living, always looking for an escape clause. The political major sees a world where if the facts don't fit, just lie -----------------------------------
Definition of a Socialist...
Someone who wants everything except your job. -------------------------------
Department of Water
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
Your card! Show him your card! ------------------------------------
I asked Siri why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera... -----------------------------------
A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: “Thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” The husband laughs and says: “A Spanish girl!” The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?” “Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?” “Which present?” She asked. “The one I asked for – a Spanish girl!!” “Oh, that,” she said, “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!” ------------------------------
I stand corrected
because I'm wearing orthopedic shoes. ----------------------------
If your wife is knocking at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first ? The dog, at least he'll shut up ! -----------------------------
If your wife asks, " Honey, have you seen the broom ? " ------ It's a good idea not to ask," Are you going somewhere ?" -----------------------------
Wife: I have blisters all over my hands from using the broom all day. Husband: Next time take the CAR! -------------------------------
A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.
A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached down and squeezed the boy’s testicles through his clothes. He immediately spit up the penny and stopped choking. She didn’t say a word and walked away.
After making sure his son was okay, the father found the woman to thank her and said, “I’ve never heard of that before, are you a doctor or something?”
She replied, “Actually no, I’m a divorce attorney.” -----------------------------------
Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant." < GrizLeBare > 2023-10-01 08:56 Woman: "OMG, I'm pregnant ?" Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are." -------------------------------
I tried to make an appointment with a psychic, but she said I didn't show up. --------------------------
My doctor said I should break a sweat once a day
I told him I would start lying to my wife. -----------------------------
Me: "Doctor, I'm addicted to "The Family Feud".. ......what's wrong with me ?"
Doctor: "Well, the survey says................ ------------------------------------
To have a happy Medium
Pay him before the seance -------------------------------
It's so cold now we had to chisel our dog
off a lamp post ! ------------------------------
It's so cold I actually saw a wannabe gangsta pull his pants UP ! ------------------------------
What do you call a mass gathering of Raiders fans ? ....................Prison ---------------------------------
How many 49ers fans does it take to change a light bulb ? None. Lava lamps don't burn out, man. ------------------------------
What does a Minnesota Vikings fan do after his team wins the Super Bowl ? Turns off the Playstation ---------------------------
What's the difference between a Dallas cowboys fan and a baby ? A baby will eventually stop whining. ------------------------------
Why can't Spokane have a professional football team? cause Seattle would want one too.... --------------------------------
Colin Kaepernick
Not the first athlete to take a knee...
That honor belongs to Tonya Harding. ---------------------------------
What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh ?
"You gonna eat that !" ------------------------------------
Dark in here... A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it’s..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that **** again...”
------------------------------------------
Don’t eat anything fatty
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?” He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.” ----------------------------------
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines
-----------------------------
If you haven't grown up by age 70...............
Congratulations....................you don't have to. -------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed..................
...................try doing what Bob told you to do the first time. -------------------------------
People think I'm crazy cuz I talk to my dogs.
What am I supposed to do when they ask me a question ?
It's OK, I'm on 500mgs of Fukitol --------------------------------
When I was in college, my girlfriend and I tried a long distance relationship.
I had to stay 300 feet away from her at all times.
Also, the judge said i had to stop calling her "my girlfriend" ----------------------------
Little Johnny has a nightmare, his dad comes in to console him. "Daddy," says Little Johnny, "there's a monster under my bed !" Johnny's dad responds, " no Johnny, the monster sleeps next to me in my bed ! " ------------------------------
Ballad of Joe Biden
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Joe His crackhead son can't stay away from blow Then one day Comer started a discussion About Joe taking bribes from a billionaire Russian (cash that is, dirty money, tax fraud)
Well the first thing you know old Joe's a millionaire Kin folk said Joe give us our share So they each got a piece like a Christmas ham Now the whole Biden family is in on the scam (graft that is, shady deals, sporty cars)
Now it's time to bust them all and throw away the key This time Hunter will never cop a plea. The Biden family scandal is the biggest of our time. Because Republicans know, it's an impeachable crime! (Biden family crime syndicate, that's what you call them now, y'all go to jail now, ya hear?)
------------------------------------
Things I trust more than Joe Biden
• A rattlesnake with a “pet me” sign • CNN • An elevator ride with Ray Rice • A deflated football • Gas station sushi • A confessional with Edward Snowden • A Native American treaty signed by the US • Someone talking on a note 7 at the gas pump • John Oliver • A Somalian cruise line • Chris Christie's exercise equipment • A test fart in bed with the flu • NY Times • A prostate exam from Captain Hook • A boko haram promise ring • My blind grandma's new cat • A Josh Duggar Daycare facility • Anthony Weiner with a free data plan • A styrofoam gas can • Bristol Palin teaching an abstinence class • Pinocchio • The Boy that cried Wolf • TIME magazine • A Nigerian inheritance email • An unconscious pilot alone in the cockpit • A factory packed parachute • Brian Williams's memory • A North Korean trial • A tuna fish sandwich left on a city bus for three days • An alligator petting zoo • Playing kickball in a minefield • The Huffington Post • A free mattress on Craigslist • The Spanish Inquisition • A stormtrooper's aim • A mechanic that says my blinker fluid is low • A straight shave from Jody Arias • Poking a black widow spider • The ingredients in a hotdog • Flint tap water • My GPA going up • Windows 10 privacy • A Volkswagen smog certificate • A police officer selling weed • A suspiciously large wooden horse • Donald Trump's toupee • North Korean media • The Onion • An unlimited data plan • Breast milk from Bruce Jenner • Government run healthcare • Ashley Madison's security team • A mixed drink made by Bill Cosby • The guy that installs turn signals at the BMW plant • My cat with a plate of Tuna noodle salad • The government when it says a tax will be temporary • Taking a bubble bath with a piranha • A used car salesman • A new car salesman • ABC • A condom made in China • Donald Trump • Facebook’s respect for free speech • Taking a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time • A blood transfusion from Charlie Sheen • A panhandler wearing a Rolex • A drunk surgeon • My professor when he says "This won't be on the test." ----------------------------
Just an interesting addendum; I have owned my 85 SE V6 since May 1985...I used it for 14 years as a camping vehicle, hitting all the NPs west of the Rockies....I have also used it to pick up stuff from HD, OSH and a couple of Lumber yards....I have carried six-foot long fence boards, etc in the Fiero....If a guy (usually in a pickup) is next to me as I am loading the Fiero I will say something to the effect of "This is my utility vehicle!- I can carry almost anything in it..."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the young boy. Smiling sweetly, Mrs. Smith said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces at others, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." ------------------------
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the porch, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the deck, the chairs, the table...everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and within three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the porch. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services, small apartments are housing 5 families, you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor, your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English, Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box, I have to press 'one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. ---------------------------
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" -----------------------------
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
*Friendship among Women:*
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
*Friendship among Men:*
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. ---------------------------------
My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. Yesterday I jogged for two miles, and today I feel ten years older. --------------------------
My place of work wants to know who to notify in case of emergency. I said, "A very good doctor." ----------------------------
That's not my job
That’s Not My Job! This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do
it. Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because
it was everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it But Nobody realized that
Everybody would not do it. It ended that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did
what Anybody could have done.Who are you? Everybody? Somebody? Anybody? Or
Nobody? -----------------------------
I've been engaged to be married 5 times, but never made it to the altar..
That's a lot of near Mrs. ----------------------------
Provincial Wage & Hours Department
A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan.The Saskatchewan Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Rye Whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer. --------------------------
The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost.
Maybe I'm not such a great trail-guide after all. -----------------------------
A couple of weeks ago the only thing the news reporters could say was "Ukraine!" Now all they say is "Israel!"
Did the war in Ukraine end?? --------------------------
I just told one more chemistry joke.
I got no reaction, and now all my friends argon. ---------------------------
THE Italian Cow
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow so that they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily." ---------------------------------
The pessimist, optimist & realist
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees an oncoming train coming through the tunnel.
The engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks at the end of the tunnel even though he's blowing his horn like crazy. ---------------------------------
There are still good people in this world.
I just saw an elderly man help a young man who was staring into his phone, across the street. --------------------------------
I saw a woman at walmart with March madness teeth. Down to her final four ! -------------------------------
The Zamboni driver at our local ice arena
is missing. They hope he resurfaces soon. ---------------------------------
What did the pee wee hockey team get for winning the championship ? The Stanley Cupcakes -----------------------------------
My son had a run in with his teacher
Some people can't handle the truth. Here is his story...
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked what my favorite LIVE animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but the teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired the most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the heck I am now... --------------------------------
What do you call twin squids ?
Itentacle -----------------------------------
What kind of phones do squids use ?
Cephalopods --------------------------------
The 38 Revolver
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!" ------------------------------------
A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game. "But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it". The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?" His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly." The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?" to which he responds, "I don't remember." --------------------------------
political correctness
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.' -------------------------------
They love digging everything up from the past ! -------------------------
Bubba bought a high priced guard dog.
He spent the last three days trying to reenter his house ! ---------------------------
Steve Wright-isms...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. ----------------------------
I told my son, "You...
...will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "NO!"
I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."
He said, "OK."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "NO."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "OK."
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
He said, "OK."
*******************************************
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly how politics works. ---------------------------------
A cop stops a biker on a Harley...
...for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," replies the biker.
"Fred what?" asks the officer.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses the biker for his last name.
The biker tells him, "I used to have a last name but I lost it."
The officer thinks that he might have a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college for pre-med. I went through medical school, an internship, a residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school and become a dentist. I got all the way through dental school and earned my degree. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears. -------------------------------
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!” The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still, the man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?” The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anyone...” --------------------------
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." ---------------------------------
A husband sits by the bedside of his dying wife. In a tired voice she says, "Before I die there is something I must confess." "Shhh," the husband says, "there is no need to confess anything." "No, I insist," she says. "I must die in peace." She looks at him her eyelids heavy and says, "I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and the gardener." "I know," the husband whispered. "That's why I poisoned you." -----------------------------
Q: Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
A: Because she smells like a new truck! ---------------------------
Male Logic
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari? -------------------------------
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does...” ---------------------------
You know you drink too much coffee when
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you ! --------------------------
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life,” He then turns to the young man and asks, “can you top that?”
The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.” -------------------------------
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that." ------------------------------
Stress Management
Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater. ------------------------------
Not really a "joke", but since this has been
going on for many, many decades.......
At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax truth...
Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think.
Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries, then Tax his tears.
Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his a**
Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers, Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin , Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid.
Put these words Upon his tomb, " Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Gross Receipts Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Personal Property Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service Charge Tax Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax Sales Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge T! ax Telephone Recurring! and Non -recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed ~100 years ago, (pre-WWI, BTW)
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
And I still have to "press 1" For English. ----------------------------------
We're Off To See The Wizard!
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City ... ...and went to find the Great Wizard
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz? "
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage." " No Problem!" said the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward and said: "Well, I think I need a heart." "Done!" says the Wizard.
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George W.Bush and said, "The American people say that I need a brain." "No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Joe Biden is standing there, looking around, not saying a word.
I don't understand the kids lingo so I made my own.
BFF .............................. Best Friends Funeral BTW .............................Bring The Wheelchair TTYL ........................... Talk To You Louder BYOT ........................... Bring Your Own Teeth LMDO ........................... Laughing My Dentures Out FWIW ........................... Forgot Where I Was IMHOA ........................... Is My Hearing Aid On ROFLACGU .................. Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up WTF ............................... Wow That's Fantastic ATT ................................. Arthritis Terrible Today GGPBL ........................... Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low FYI .................................. Found Your Insulin LOL ................................ Living On Lipitor
They each got six months. ------------------------
Why should you never mention the number 288 ?
It's two gross. ----------------------------
How do you keep a bagel from getting away ?
Put lox on it. -------------------------
Yesterday, I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble
tiles on the road. I said, "What's the word on the street ?" -----------------------
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me **** . ------------------------------------
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but why do we wake UP in the morning?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. We brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To understand the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in a dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 page -- it can really add UP.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
If it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on, but I'll wrap it UP. For now my time is UP, so ....
Time to shut UP .....!
Don't mess UP. Send this to everyone you look UP in your address book. -----------------------------
For those who wish to have a glass of wine.. and those who don't...this is something to think about.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we would be consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service! ---------------------------
Who am I...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...then you are probably the family dog! -------------------------
The Maid's Raise...
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."
Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "I see."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
She got the raise. ---------------------------
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $20.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger. ---------------------------
Why Italians can't be paramedics...
Vinnie and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinnie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence and then a shot is heard.
Vinnie's voice comes back on the line,
'Okay... now what?' -------------------------------
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ass hole and a briefcase. ------------------------------------------
Why were two piece swimsuits invented ?
To separate the hairy from the dairy ! ------------------------------
After more than 20 years of marriage...
...a couple was lying in bed one evening when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time; it almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down her back towards her shoulder blades.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, then slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on the other side of her body, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Darling, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
He said, "I found the remote." ----------------------------
Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' -------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair
for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' ------------------------------
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' ---------------------------
Funny stuff shem. Some of the last ones hit home. For some of the young folks here, this might fit too.
Your grandma wore short mini skirts, thin panties and no bra. She drank tequila by the shot. Or Jack Daniels straight up. She listened to Steppenwolf, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. She drove fast cars and rode motorcycles..with no helmet. She smoked tobacco, and other stuff. She came home at 4am and was out and on her way to work at 7am.
Know, that You'll never be as cool as your grandma. Sorry, but somebody had to say it. (Come to think of it, I'm 'grandma's age)
We must all do our bit for the planet. You know, all the little things, turning off lights, resetting the thermostat and unplugging items when not in use. I'm trying to do my part. I just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using.
------------------ Rams Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. . You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These .. In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even though it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better? ------------------------------
The Blind Bunny...
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN' ------------------------------
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them.
You're bigger than that. --------------------------------
There's a coin shortage in America..............
We're running out of common cents. -------------------------------
I'd tell an autumn joke......................
......................but you probably wouldn't fall for it. --------------------------------
COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE...
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over, women like that are hard to find." -----------------------------------
Medicare is a Good Thing...
A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a Sex Therapist's office
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, '
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything , she's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house '
The Holiday Inn charges $98, The Hilton charges $139, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare..." -----------------------------------
The California school system
1. Teaching Math in 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math in 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math in 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math in 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math in 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math in 2000s If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math in 2020 Unhachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la produccioneses 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? ---------------------------
confessional Box ...
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied: “Get out ... You're on my side." ----------------------------
My friend just moved to Sweden.
So now he's an artificial Swedener. -does he drive a fiord ? -------------------------
I quit my personal trainer job.
I gave them my too weak notice. --------------------------
I once fell in love while doing a backflip.
I was heels overhead. ---------------------------
My favorite word is "drool."
It rolls right off the tongue. ----------------------------
So I was sitting in traffic the other day.......
That's probably why I got run over. -------------------------------
I was learning to drive school bus when
I saw my ex crossing the road up ahead. I needed the job to pay her alimony but..............
what a dilemma ---------------------------------
I just arrived to see a therapist........
about my premature ejaculation problem.
I wasn't sure what to wear, so I just came in my pants. ----------------------------------
Help those in distress
While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels," and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown. Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires one to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department. It is now 11 a.m., the man drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps. -----------------------------------
The Red Light
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the hood of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver. -------------------------------
Contemporary Philosophers
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ***** When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu ***** America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb ***** Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind ***** The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ***** You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip ***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford ***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan ***** Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden ***** In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz ***** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ***** I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell ***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts ***** If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters --------------------------------------
light sleeper
If a light sleeper sleep lighter with a light on ,
does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on? ---------------------------
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and Becoming More Successful'.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
-----------------------------
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a DEMOCRAT ", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened." -----------------------------
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife, who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie? --------------------------------
Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door. -----------------------------
Proper Job Placement...
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress. ------------------------------
This just in
Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films.
But only for the crying parts -------------------------------
Human Body Statistics...
Food takes 7 seconds to travel from mouth to stomach
A human hair can support a 6 pound weight
A man's penis is on average 3 times the size of his thumb
The hip bone is denser than cement
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's
Women blink two times as often as men
The human body uses 300 muscles just to maintain equilibrium while standing
If your saliva can't dissolve food, you can't taste it
Human skin is twice as dense as brain tissue
Women reading this message finished reading it before the men
The men are still measuring their thumb ----------------------------
Economic Notice...
Due to recent budget cuts, the cost of electricity, current prices of gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy... The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience. ---------------------------
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little **** . ---------------------------
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school. -------------------------
Wisdom Of A Retiree...
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!! ------------------------------
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of **** , it takes all morning." ---------------------------------
...back in 1850?
Do you know what happened this fall... back in 1850? California became a state.
The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands. --------------------------------
Random Thoughts As We Age...
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!! --------------------------
50 Grayish Shades
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . . In and out . . . . in and out . . . . A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . . Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting near to the end . . . . !! He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . . Forward then backward . . . . Again . . . . and, again . . . . !! Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . . Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . She shouted . . . . :
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . . You do it . . . . !!" ---------------------------------
I've been in love with the same woman for 25 years.
Sure as hell hope my wife doesn't find out. ------------------------------------
A Touching Story... < Barack--Obama > 2023-10-31 10:15
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
- - - -
Dear Kean Elementary,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to go **** herself.
Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes Baker ------------------------------------
To the Guy Who Mugged Me... (CL ad)
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace! - Alex ---------------------------
I may be old fashioned but I prefer the old days When the president and the village idiot were two different people. -----------------
WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY! -------------------------------------------------------------------- *Our Phones ~ Wireless *Cooking ~ Fireless *Cars ~ Keyless *Food ~ Fatless *Tires ~ Tubeless *Dress ~ Sleeveless *Youth ~ Jobless *Leaders ~ Shameless *Relationships ~ Meaningless *Attitude ~ Careless *Wives ~ Fearless *Babies ~ Fatherless *Feelings ~ Heartless *Education ~ Valueless *Children ~ Mannerless Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are ~ Endless. In fact we are ~ Speechless And our Elected Politicians ~ CLUELESS! ------------------------
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it. ---------------------------------
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.' --------------------------------
How fights start...
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
*****************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...
*****************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'Wow!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started... -------------------------------------
They say that during sex you burn off
as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds? -------------------------------------
Israel’s new ‘Cutting Edge’ Airport Security
TEL AVIV, Israel —
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!” BRILLIANT. ---------------------------------
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.
A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "_____ You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ------------------------------------
The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER...
This one is a little different ... Two different versions, two different lessons ...
- - - -
OLD VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
- - - -
MODERN VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'
ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."
Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.
President condemns the ant and blames Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
The House and Senate exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2024!
I've sent this to you because I know that you are an ant, not a grasshopper!
Make sure that you pass this on to other ants.
Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway. ----------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing, hunting, played golf and dated women half his age. He drank beer and scotch, had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End! ----------------------------------------
You may be a TALIBAN if...
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. ----------------------------------
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell
phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried..
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' -----------------------------------
Two elderly women were out driving
in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?' -----------------------------------------
Medical School Exam
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.
The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled “SPINE” became doctors. The rest I’m told are all in Congress. ---------------------------------
Awesome Senior Moment...
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a Metro station in DC.
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one."
"The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." ~God Bless America ~ --------------------------------
A SAD PASSING...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone who kneads a lift. ------------------------------
The Genius of Steven Wright: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
One sunny day in January, 2023, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir. --------------
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?" --------------------
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.' --------------
When I was 15, I hoped I would have a girlfriend with big t@ts.
When I was 18, I got a girlfriend with big t@ts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
Then I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big t@ts. -------------
A Muslim ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met a U.S. General.
They shook hands.
As they walked the Muslim said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Muslim said quietly, "My son watches reruns of this show called Star Trek on television. In it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese.. but there are no Muslims.
"My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General smiled and said, "That's because it takes place in the future." -------------
I bought lettuce from a Mama and Papa store
and guess what?
All the leaves are brown. -------------
MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS...
...TERRORISTS (domestic or foreign) TO SPEAK TO GOD!
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal. -------------------
The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!
I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"
I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; "3 million crackheads; "42 million unemployable people on food stamps, "2 million people in over 243 prisons; "Half of Mexico ; and "535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. -------------
A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.” -------------
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground , he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther,
"That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being tricked, and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back, figures out what happened, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that &%$#! squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience ------------
Car's suspension
I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath.
Either way when I ran over that pedestrian, I didn't feel a thing. -----------
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut ..
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' -----------
I think think my best friend is having an affair with my wife.
He's been miserable lately. -------------
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2.. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. ----------------
CEO of Ikea was just elected President of Sweden I hear he is still assembling his cabinet ------------
Conversion Factors...
Just in case some of you have gotten a little rusty on your conversion tables...
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year 8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon 10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower 12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line 13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle 16. 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle 17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 18. 10 cards = 1 decacard 19. 52 cards = 1 deckacards 20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 21. 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen 22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 24. 10 rations = 1 decaration 25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration 26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = One I.V. League ----------------
Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say……"LOOK, HE’S MOVING." ----------
I Voted Democrat Because...
I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whoever I want. I decided to marry my horse.
I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 18% isn't.
I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing, because they now think we're good people. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.
I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.
By the way, a Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own. ----------------
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife." --------------
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." -----------------
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The redneck opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death also.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!" -----------------
"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him, should take a closer look at the American Indian."
- Anonymous ------------------
I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box. -------------
An Army friend just started his own business in the Middle East.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof. ---------
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
6. I pay your salary!
7. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. So, do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. -----------------------
My wife left me
I accidently took a dose of Ex-Lax instead of my anti-depressant.
I feel so empty inside - I took Ex-lax WITH my anti-depressant.
I **** my pants and I don't even care ! --------------------------
After fifty years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
----------------------------
The Spice Girls reunion tour
(with special guests Salt-N-Pepa) was just announced. It will be called the Allspice Seasonal Tour, presented by Old Spice -------------------------
Lemonade Anyone?
My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was "not made from concentrate" she asked me what that meant.
I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.
While my wife was shaking her head in disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, "That must be why they got caught." ----------------------------
Where's My Smith And Wesson...
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache." By southern California standards someone even owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
And, in Texas, he'd be called "a deer hunting buddy."
---------------------------
The Flight Attendant...
A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."
After checking, she returned and stated "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with my Cabin Manager and see if there is something in first class."
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "Unfortunately she has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one available seat in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be incorrect of us to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, my Manager has agreed to make the switch to first class."
Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore madam, if you would kindly gather your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as we do not want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation. -----------------------
Warning...
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." ---------------------------
A old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can't see well these days." The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem -- didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past two years!" --------------------
I was walking into Walmart yesterday and the Salvation Army guy with the kettle looked at me and said Ho Ho Ho.....
I looked back at him and say "Come now.. there is no need to bring my XWife into this"... and put a buck in his kettle....
True story by the way..... ---------------------------
I'm considering moving to Mongolia..............
.....................even though it has its pros and Khans. ---------------------------
Lion's favorite state: Maine ---------------------
