That newsom one was hilarious good stuff -----------------
A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents...
Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son, Marvin.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.
A few days later, he received a return letter from his father. It said...
Dear son,
Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came.
Dad ----------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa. --------------------------
Wife: "What are you going to do today ?"
Me: "Nothing" Wife: "You did that yesterday." Me: "I know, ............I wasn't finished." ------------------------
One cell phone to another:
"That's right dear..........................our ancestors had tails." -------------------------
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him." ------------------------
Fred turns to Pete and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Pete thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Fred goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Fred says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Fred shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Pete at the bar.
He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Pete says, "What's that?"
Fred says, "Well, I'll give ya an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married! --------------------------
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough of them," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
China claims that the coronavirus came from an old bat, but Nancy Pelosi denies being involved.
"Payday" candy bar is changing its name because it's offensive to those who don't work.
If the current power grid can't handle a night of 20 degrees temperatures without rolling blackouts, how are we going to plug in 100 million electric cars at night?
Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans?
Imagine, if you will, a world where every tweet and meme must be fact-checked but not a ballot.
How to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That's exactly how gun control works.
Can we still order black coffee?
Are brownies being taken off the shelf?
Is White Castle changing its name?
I'm sure Cracker Barrel is screwed.
Can we still play Chinese checkers?
Is that season still called Indian summer? No more Italian sausages?
How far do you want to go with this foolishness.
Hell of a job, Democrats! You've managed to bring back the 1929 depression, the 1968 race riots, and the 1973 gas prices - ALL AT THE SAME TIME! --------------------------------
What does the Canadian guy say after
drinking an IPA?
"I pee, eh?" --------------------------------
How is bud light the opposite of a clitoris? The clit only tastes like piss for a second. ---------------------------------
Fridge Too Tall...
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
"You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!" ---------------------------------
NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN... Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........
When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan was called into the Oval Office by the President, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Mr. President his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
--------------------------------
politically correct
A funny for the politically correct sensitive out there: Since YouTube decided to pull “Baby it’s Cold Outside” from its playlist because someone was offended, I feel that these other holiday songs are also on the chopping block. How did our generation ever survive? 1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore **** 2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation 3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances 4. White Christmas? Racist 5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker 6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression 7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying 8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben 9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail 10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman 11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired 12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow 13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse 14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day? 15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced partnership 16. I'll Be Home For Christmas: Not if you are homeless. That's just Insensitive 17. Grandma got ran over by a reindeer: Homicide. Extremely violent and promotes alcoholism. --------------------------
Elevator Incident...
I’ll be out of commission for awhile…
Today I was beaten up by a woman.
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1?
So I did. I don't remember much afterwards. The doctor estimates the recovery time 4 - 6 weeks. ------------------------------
Long Happy Life...
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said. ---------------------------
My wife doesn't wear panty hose anymore.
Last time she farted, it blew her slippers off. -------------------------------
Exhaustipated: Too tired to give a **** . ----------------------------
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2?, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.
We don’t let just anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.”When can you start?” --------------------------------
The truth
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. It is now believed that Bin Laden called the U.S.Navy Seals himself. ------------------------------
When his son came home at midnight, the electrician said
" Wire you insulate?" -----------------------------
Wife: "I think you need a hearing test."
Me: "Why would I want a hairy chest ?" ---------------------------
There is a new treatment for erectile dysfunction. Available over the counter.
Fix-A-Flat.
The thing that always cracks me up is that all the ads for ED medications shows an extremely hot young lady- if you had one of those ladies in bed with you I doubt you'd be suffering from ED...
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves. ---------------------------
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "and then press the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze. ------------------------------
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone." -------------------------
Keep hearing about the Houthi rebels.
Are they in any way associated with the Blowfish ? ----------------------------
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow." --------------------------------
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." -----------------------------
Why you can not find a good paying job
Dick Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer
( made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA ------------------------------------
An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective...
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the subway.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in. ----------------------------
I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is getting really bad. ----------------------------
What's the difference between an atheist and an Evangelical Christian?
The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ. ---------------------------
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?" ------------------------------
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." ----------------------------------
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now." -------------------------------
Construction Site Murder...
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn't do anything, but he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered. --------------------------------
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning; he felt that in this suit he could do business.
As he was preening in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets. To his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
The tailor then said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?" -------------------------------
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass". ----------------------------------
A guy with a stutter just died in prison,
before he could finish his sentence. ------------------------------
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.
Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.
The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?" ------------------------------------
Condom history.
The first type of 'condoms' were invented in Turkey, where they used goat intestines to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
The brits improved this method by removing the intestines from the goat before using them. --------------------------------------
Light Bulb...
Q: How many members of the current President's administration are needed to change a light bulb?
A: Nine
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of the current President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the current President was literally in the dark,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the current President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along. Of course, the bulb never get changed; this is our deranged Government... -------------------------------------
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me. --------------------------------
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a box of chocolates.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own ****ing business." -----------------------------------
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies. "You came here yesterday." -------------------------------
Investing
f you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you darn proud to be an American!!! ------------------------
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. ---------------------
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. --------------------------
I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top. I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree." -------------------------
Every time I see a crackhead on a bicycle...
I yell "THAT'S MY BIKE!" just to see how fast they can pedal. ----------------------
Oxymorons...
Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp" Moros = "dull"
"Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise.
... a self-contradicting phrase.
_____
He lived his life to the end.
You always find something in the last place you look.
The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.
Ah well, they say it's not as bad as they say it is.
Black Light
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Left Handed Screwdrivers.
Striped paint.
Pigeon's milk.
Straight hooks.
Cooking glue.
It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe.
... about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink.
The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams.
compulsory volunteers
college student
jumbo shrimp
That shoe fits him like a glove.
A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. "Just lost a shoe?" she asked. He answered, "Nope, just found one."
Classified ad: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me. -------------------------------
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law." ---------------------------
Point of Service...
At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt." ---------------------------
Wife: "Oh gawd. I'm afraid my mind is gone !"
Me: "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it for the last 30 years." ---------------------------
Faster than a Speeding Nun...
A police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....
Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119." -------------------------------------
Teacher ( Miss Johnson ):
"Johnny, your word is urinate. Now first spell the word, then use it in a sentence." Little Johnny: "Yes Miss Johnson, urinate.................u-r-i-n-a-t-e." Miss Johnson: "Very good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence." Johnny ( thinks for a minute ): "Miss Johnson, urinate. If you had any tits you'd be a ten !"
( Little Johnny heads off to the principal's office ) ------------------
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. --------------------------
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country. ----------------------------
Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand...
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
4. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers? Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ
8. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
9. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
figure out how Christmas tree lights plug in end-to-end. ---------------------------
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?
The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year." -------------------------
These are the results of a "Creative Scientific Theories Contest" sponsored by Omni magazine:
*GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
*RUNNERS-UP:
# 1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2 Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
*HONORABLE MENTIONS:
#1 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
#2 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
------------------------
A guy advertised online for a wife.
He got 200 replies in the first hour.
Most of them said “You can have mine.” -----------------------
Joe Biden is doing the work of three men.
Larry, Curley and Moe. --------------------
An elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer. I've got good, hard cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever seen."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be a good singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed the woman murmured, "This bird is a great singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer or a dancer?" ----------------------
A guy stomps into a bar
carrying a loaded gun and an angry scowl on his face.
“I’m looking for the feller who’s been a sleepin’ with mah wife!” he declared.
There was dead silence in the room until finally, a voice from the back of the bar piped up, “You’re gonna need more ammo, chief!” -------------------------
My wife got me to stop chewing my nails.
She hid my teeth. ------------------------
It took all this time to get my head together.
Now my body is falling apart. -----------------------
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted. ----------------------
The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That's great. There were over 600,000 hunters. Allow me to restate that number. Over the last two months, the eighth largest army in the world - more men under arms than Iran ; more than France and Germany combined - deployed to the woods of a single American state to help keep the deer menace at bay.
But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of Pennsylvania this week. Michigan's 700,000 hunters have now returned home. Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.
America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security. ------------------------
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine; I have lost it and need a new one.'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'Is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is
Scroll down
Picture 710 upside down OIL ------------------------
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." ------------------------
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!
"And you think you have family problems!" ------------------------
The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," was his answer. --------------------
Muslim Union cuts benefits for martyrs
BBC News Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages. -------------------------
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." ------------------------
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer. The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though..." --------------------------
Me ( to wife ):"I was unfaithful to you once with a redhead
.................in the men's room of a pool hall in 1971."
Wife: "That was me." -------------------------
Where is the best place to weigh whales ?
At a whale weigh station. ----------------------
Warning: Never read a pop-up book about giraffes
--------------------
Have you noticed "the" and "IRS" combined spells "Theirs." Someone was explaining electricity, and I was like "Watt?" Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me, and I was like "What the Hellman?" Puns make me numb, but math puns make me number. My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav. I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants. A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn't set high enough. Why cant you trust an atom? Because they make up everything. I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable thing to me. If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open. Whoever invented Knock-knock jokes should get a No-bell prize. If you meet an alligator in a vest, you could call him an Investigator. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I used to want to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me. If anyone knows a good fish pond, let me minnow. I had a job crushing aluminum cans. It was soda pressing. How do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. A soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran. I saw a kidnapping today. I tried not to wake him up, I wondered why the football was getting bigger, then it hit me. ------------------------
Thanks to whoever told my mother that WTF means
"Wow That's Fantastic"
Her texts are so much more fun now. ----------------------
The 5 Riddles
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any coaching!
. .. .. .. .. .. . . . . . . . . . THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead...That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5.. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph ------------
1. BOOKS 2. RANDOM 3. PANTS 4. FORK 5. PULSE 6. SIX
YOU NEED HELP! ---------------------
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!" --------------------------
Truths for mature humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
12. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
13. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
14. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
15. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
19. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. -------------------------------
Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s.
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. “Gym?” God replies, “you don’t need to go to the gym here, you’ll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise.” The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. “This is heaven, you don’t need it anymore, the sun can’t burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches.” The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.
Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. “We don’t have health food restaurants; you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight.”
Finally, the husband snaps, and yells at his wife “You see?! You see?! If it wasn’t for your bloody bran muffins, I could’ve been here forty years ago!” ---------------------------
At my age, "getting lucky" means a short wait at
the doctor's office. -------------------------
I'm so old, there's nothing left to learn the
hard way. ------------------------------
As you grow older, the pickings get slimmer,
but the people don't ---------------------------------
I was watching TV
yesterday and there was a lady listing all sorts of great things to do. Then my wife pointed out that it was a religious channel and she was listing sins. -------------------------
Tenjooberrymuds
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits!" -Albert Einstein-
A little something for you linguistic experts!
Tenjooberrymuds
I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.
Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say.."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you! --------------------------------
If size doesn't matter, why aren't there any 3 inch dildos ? ----------------------------
OK, that's it...................................
From Huron out, no more Great Lakes jokes. Almost any other joke would be far Superior. Also, they're much too Eerie. ---------------------------
Man at bar: "Hi, I'm Bob. I'm 34 and an honest politician."
Woman at bar: "Hi, I'm Vicky. I'm 27, a prostitute and a virgin." ----------------------------
A Strawberry and a Cucumber...
A strawberry and a cucumber grew up in the same garden patch. They were best buds growing up. As they grew older, they decided it was time to branch out, leave home, and see the world. So they hitched a ride on a nearby vegetable cart and took off.
Their first stop was at a local farmer's market. Unfortunately, that's where the trouble started. A big row broke out and they got separated, one of them ending up in a jam and the other in a pickle. ----------------------------
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along. -------------------------------
I think my house is haunted...
I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken. A fowl spirit. I'm going to call an eggsorist, to help it cross to the other side... -----------------------
Bet you didn't know...........................
Sassy sells seashells by the seashore in the Seychelles. ----------------------
Youths seek truths with sex sleuth ruth
----------------------------
28 Engineering Conversion Factors
You have to admit, some engineers do have a sense of humor...you just have to follow their train of thought! (I know-wrong kind of engineer but hey-I'm trying to build on something here!) 01. - Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
02. - 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
03. - 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
04. - Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
05. - Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
06. - Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
07. - 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
08. - 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
09. - Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. - 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. - Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. - Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. - 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. - 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. - 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. - 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. - 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. - 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. - 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. - 0.101971621 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. - 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. - 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. - 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. - 10 rations = 1 declaration
25. - 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. - 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. - 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. - 5 nautical miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I. V. League -----------------------------
A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan... ----------------------------------
I was arrested for impersonating a politician!
I wasn't doing anything. I was just sitting there. ----------------------------
A couple realized their marriage was in deep trouble.
They were constantly at each other's throats and both had secretly had thoughts of divorce.
Then one night over dinner they began to Reminisce about the past when they were happy newlyweds deeply in love and before long they were holding hands across the table, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes and playing footsie under the table. On a mad impulse, they swept the food and dishes to the floor, ripped off their clothes and engaged in a couple of hours of hot, passionate, sweaty sex and from that point on their marriage improved greatly and was for the most part blissful and conflict-free.
But of course they weren't allowed back in Applebee's anymore -------------------------------
Another American Converts to Islam
It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat. ------------------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, No, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ------------------------------
I like sleeping because it's like being dead
without the commitment. ----------------------------
Remember, before the internet, how everybody thought that the cause of stupidity was limited access to information? ---------------------------
"I'm not saying that your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that the canary was alive before you showed up." ------------------------
Did you know that there is not one canary in the Canary Islands? Same thing on the Virgin Isles — not one canary. -------------------------
At the store today there was an X on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many RoadRunner cartoons to fall for that crap. ----------------------
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too." ---------------------------
I went to new, apparently woke, bumper cars last summer.
Cars had to stay 6 feet apart. ------------------------------
What does the Dentist of the Year get?
A little plaque... --------------------------------
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she had written: P.S. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son." ------------------------------------
The angle of the dangle
is directly proportional to the heat of the meat. --------------------------------
I'm hiding from exercise...
I'm in the fitness protection program. -----------------------------------
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!" ---------------------------------
There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. One particular bar in our neighborhood has a very well-groomed resident cat who is quite friendly. In fact, the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while. He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker. ----------------------------
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman." --------------------------------
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" ---------------------------------
A poor young boy from Thailand dreamed about having a Nintendo switch he could never afford so he made his own using cardboard and markers. His father was moved filmed him and posted the video to social media. After going viral it got to the eyes of a Nintendo CEO, who went to Thailand personally and sued the boy for 2.5 million for copyright infringement. ------------------------------------
No Money at College...
A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word text to dad. It said,
"No mon. No fun. Your son."
A 3 days later he had a response from dad another three line six word text.... it said,
"Too bad. So sad. Your dad." ---------------------------------------
When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.
Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint." -----------------------------------------
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing." --------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton has implied that
if she were to be prosecuted she would take half of Washington with her.
I really don't see a problem with this. --------------------------------------
Learn from your Elders A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. -------------------------------------
Scotland Golf Club sign
Actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland ...
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF! ----------------------------------
My ex gf was buy sexual.
When you bought her stuff, she became sexual. -----------------------------------
Kumbaya
If everybody in the world held hands around the equator,
most of them would drown. ------------------------------------
Some people are like birds...
You help them fly and once they're in the air, they **** on you. -----------------------------------
Biology Revisited... - When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have children, you won't have children too. -------------------------------
My wife said if I didn't get off the computer,
she would slam my head into the keyboard. I think I'll just gmbyohkulnmtsfdrehnmpyohk. -------------------------------
My wife just left me for an Indian guy.
I know he'll treat her well.........................................they worship cows. --------------------------------
Claim: Marihuana is the gateway to harder drugs
Reality: All I've ever learned is marijuana is a gateway to the refrigerator. -------------------------------
My wife said I should get in touch with my feminine side.
So I put on her bra and panties and started arguing with her. ---------------------------------
My mistress accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. ------------------------------
I'm confused. Our local funeral home just raised the cost of a funeral
- and blamed it on the cost of living -------------------------------------------------------
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. ---------------------------------
Prevagen really helps with your memory,
After you buy it, you'll remember this stuff is way over priced --------------------------------
Waiter: "How would you like your steak, sir ?"
Me: "Like winning an argument with my wife." Waiter: "OK, rare it is then." --------------------------------
I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning.
That can only mean one thing.................................................it's laundry day. ---------------------------------
Things could be worse, re-elect me and I'll prove it! ---------------------
No u turn.
No, U first. -----------------------
I lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months, and my
wife commented that I can now fit into stuff from 20 years ago...
"Most of them are married" was apparently NOT where she was going with that statement..... -----------------------
Looking for work
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." An Derlaware doctor, not to be outdone, says. "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Delaware , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work." ------------------------------
Scientists report they have cloned Vocal Chords
in the lab...
When reporters asked... "what do these results mean to the general public...?"
The scientists replied... "We feel like the results, speak for themselves..." -------------------------------
So.....these murder hornets....how does it work?
Do you send them a list of names, or what?
Asking for a friend ------------------------------
At the Deli Counter...
Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:
Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.
(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)
Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.
Kid: Huh?
Me: (pointing) This size.
Kid: Oh. That's a pound.
Me: That depends on what you put in it.
Kid: Huh?
Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.
Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.
Me: If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.
Kid: Huh?
Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.
In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces. -----------------------------
Dilbert's Laws of Work...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough. ----------------------
$50 Dollar lesson
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds; then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
... Her parents still aren't speaking to me. --------------------------------
What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi. -----------------------------
If you slice a pie with several parallel cuts
Then cut again at right angles ... up get pi squared ------------------------------
We all need a little cheering up at times ....
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, and no other language, can do it justice. This example is better than a thousand words...
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
Without blinking an eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."
*HAPPY NEW YEAR!* ---------------------------
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car...
Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
The 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for three days.
When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
Thieves repeatedly break in to your car just to steal the "Club."
While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
You keep losing dates on left turns. ---------------------------
Senior Cat in the Hat:
I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw - Oh my God, what can I do ? My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell, I look like hell - My mood is bad, can you tell ? My body's drooping Have trouble pooping The golden years have come at last The golden years can kiss my ass !!! --------------------------------
Employee Sport Preferences
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1 The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3 The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6 The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are. -------------------------------
Air Traffic Control...
A controller working a busy pattern told the 727 downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat, the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
-----------
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said, "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
-----------
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."
-----------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff ... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." -----------------------------
The most functional word in the English language
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke **** , buy **** , sell **** , lose **** , find **** , forget **** , and tell others to eat **** . Some people know their **** , while others can't tell the difference between **** and Shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull **** , Horse **** , and chicken **** . You can throw **** , sling **** , catch **** , shoot the **** , or duck when the **** hits the fan. You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in **** . Some days are colder than **** , some days are hotter than **** , and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like **** , things can look like **** , and there are times when you feel like **** . You can have too much **** , not enough **** , the right **** , the wrong **** or a lot of weird **** . You can carry **** , have a mountain of **** , or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your **** , you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a **** ; or not do so if you don't give a **** ! Well, **** , it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of **** . But, if you happened to catch a load of **** from some **** -head...........
Every time she holds her remote in the air I honk my horn. ----------------------------
A man checks into a hotel in Belfast while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone box when you're calling for a taxi.
He popped into a phone box in Gt Victoria Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you.... I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to checkout next morning. ----------------------------
Random thoughts as we age...
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!
And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me? ------------------------
A man wakes up in the morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me of what I did." "You got in an argument with your boss" says his wife. "Well, piss on him" says the man. "You did and he fired you" replies his wife. "Well screw him" the man shouts. "I did" says the wife. "You're back to work on Monday."
--------------------------
A Texas college professor travels to...
... Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid." ------------------------------------
Hot young nurse:"Your pulse is a bit fast today"
Me: "That's not my wrist you're holding." -----------------------------
Dad: "It's time we had a talk about sex."
Son: "What would you like to know ?" ---------------------------------
A guy goes to the supermarket and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "no, I'm your son's math teacher." ---------------------------
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep". --------------------------------
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how." -------------------------------
I informed my attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.
"Because," I said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died." ---------------------------------
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot (tika) on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. , has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station, a 7-11, a taxi cab or a motel in America. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support. ----------------------------------------
I saw this license plate, and it took a minute to figure out that it didn't refer to New York and United Kingdom.
NYUKX3 -----------------------------------
Jane: "I miss England."
Tarzan: "Me have no idea you beauty pageant winner." ---------------------------------
Greek soldier: "What year is it ?"
Soldier #2: "50 B.C." #1: "What does B.C. stand for ?" #2: "Before Christ" #1: "Who is Christ ?" #2: "I don't have a ****ing clue." ----------------------------------
“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine. ----------------------------
Roman #1: "Do you know how many women I've slept with ?" Roman #2: "mmm....................................." Roman #1: "Oh, no..................not nearly that many" -----------------------
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a nice dagger....
.......................is it new ?" Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's." ----------------------------
Roman "Can I get XL shirts here ?"
Roman shopkeeper: "Are you sure you want that many ?" ---------------------------
My daughter took a Roman Numeral math test
I hope she gets a C ---------------------------
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back? < BartFlossum > 2024-01-21 10:07
I for one ----------------------------
The Pope and Biden are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd..
Sleepy Joe and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, Biden says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...
"That was impressive", the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Joe seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped him. -----------------------------
The doctor told me the best thing I can do is give up, smoking, drinking, wild parties and start eating healthy. I asked him, "what's the second best thing?" --------------------
When I was going through airport security the other day and they asked me, "do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "what do you need?" was not the right answer. ------------------
A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news."
"What's the good news?" the senior asked.
"The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser.
"Fantastic! What's the bad news?"
"Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins." ---------------------
My girlfriend complains a lot that I don’t smile anymore.
Well she’s the one who wanted a serious relationship. ---------------------
Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher? ----------------------
I received a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me.
Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted, “Sorry wrong number”. -------------------
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." ----------------------
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2022, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of 1969." ---------------------
The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology
bugs me in ways I can't put into words. -------------------
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors ------------------
My Ex called me a sex machine
Well. her exact words were "****ing tool" but I knew what she meant --------------------
The first time I made love to my girlfriend I said, "am I the first man that ever made love to you?"
She said. "you could be, you do look familiar." ------------------
I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me why I have no money in it. -------------------
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the State of Washington? And,they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 60 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. ------------------
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or theft of services?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? --------------------------
The other night I was in a bar with my girlfriend drinking a few beers. I said I love you.
My girlfriend asked, is that you or the beer talking?
I said it's me talking to the beer. ----------------------------
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. ----------------------------
Confucius Say
--Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. --Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. --Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing. --Baseball all wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. --Sex is like Army, the closer to discharge, the better you feel. --Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. --Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. --Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. --Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. ---------------------------
I have been criticized for marrying my wife for the money she inherited from her father.
That's ridiculous - I would have married her no matter who left her the money! -------------------------
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.
' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit....... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story? ...Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance! ---------------------------
PONDERISMS
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3· Life is sexually transmitted. 4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 8· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 9· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.. 10· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 11· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?' 12· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 13· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 14· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 16· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 17· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 18· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? ---------------------------
Sayings to make you smile
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6.. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? -----------------------------
If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be in trouble with:
the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,
the EPA for killing fig trees,
the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,
the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,
the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and
the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life. -----------------------------
The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he'd come through with flying colors.
On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.
"Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"
Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O." ---------------------------
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response......
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' -------------------------------
Just think about 474 more weeks of Biden. -------------------
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?' The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold. --------------------
Larry watched, fascinated,As his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
Who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' -----------------------
A new teacher was trying to make
Use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself' ------------------------
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip
To their local police station where they saw pictures
Tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
Larry pointed to a picture
And asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " ------------------------
Little Larry attended a horse auction
with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
And chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, Why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. '
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ' --------------------------
Whale Watching
When you're on a cruise ship, the best places for whale watching are the buffet lines. ------------------------
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me!"
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone." ---------------------------
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry -- it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes of work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like... --------------------------
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 80 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. ----------------------------
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. ------------------------------
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He paused for a second, looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?" ---------------------------
Days of the Week
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar is like W T F. --------------------------
A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. "Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel."
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go mister. Into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."
An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in, the water is still rising."
"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."
Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.
A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard "Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull you up. This is your last chance.
"I'm all right," says the preacher, "I know the Lord will provide sanctuary." as he looks heavenward.
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed.
When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was furious. "What happened, " he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "Gimmie a break pal. I sent you 2 boats and a chopper!" -------------------------
Ole finally died, so Lena went to the newspaper office to arrange for his obituary.
The editor said, "OK, Lena, what do you want it to say?"
"'Ole died.'"
"Well, the lowest price is for one to five words, so you might as well make it five words."
"OK. 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'" -----------------------------
A recently married woman, a bit suspicious of her husband, hired a private detective to follow him.
After a week, the detective reported that he had tracked her husband in to four bars and a bachelor's apartment.
"Aha," she exclaimed, "I knew that skunk was cheating on me. Go on, what was he doing in those places?"
Embarrassed, and with a halting voice, the detective said, "Maam, he was trailing you." ----------------------------
A guy walked into a post office... ... just before Valentine's Day.
He couldn't help but notice a middle-aged, balding man wearing a suit, standing in a corner, sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. There were stacks and stacks of envelopes. He kept watching as the man then took out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying the scent over the envelopes.
By now, the guy's curiosity had got the better of him so he asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, "Every year before Valentines Day, I send out 500 Valentines Day cards, signed, 'Guess who? xoxo'"
The guy asked, "But, why?"
The man replied, "I'm a divorce lawyer." -------------------------------
1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.
6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
7. A backward poet writes in-verse.
8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
10. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects. -----------------------------
One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers. They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily.
While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside, and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:
at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”
I asked, “Are you single?”
She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.” ------------------------
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago."
The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American. It was easy to get here via Arizona."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work." -----------------------------
Divorce: From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. ------------------------
As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and
wondered how someone could talk without a brain. Now all I have to do is watch a political debate. ------------------------
Q: Why can’t Congress ever be vegan?
A: Because all the turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork is pretty fishy. -------------------------
When asked how he felt about Hamas, Joe replied,
"I like it on rye with mayo and a pickle." --------------------------
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $100.
At the second house they presented him with fine Cuban cigars in an nice carved box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde, dressed in revealing lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the best time he had ever experienced.
When he was well and truly spent, they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, hash browns, ham, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five bucks for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
"He said, %#!* him. Give him five bucks."
"................... but the breakfast was my idea."
[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 03-05-2024).]
...nothing left but de Brie -------------------------
Where are the books on Paranoia?
..right behind you ------------------------
Wat do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh
have in Common?
...same middle name ----------------------------
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers? Well re it is. A friend, who worked away from home all week always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time...just he and his Granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it.... --------------------------
Merve hears a knock on the door answers it and there’s this guy with a bible in his hand ,Merve said,can I help you ?The guy says ,yes I’m a Jehovah’s Witness . Merve said ,come in ,Merve offers him some tea and biscuits to which the Jehovah's Witness accepts. Hey sit down and Merve says what happens now ? The Jehovah's Witness says ,I don’t know I’ve never got this far before !!! --------------------------
Political Science 101
DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders . -------------------------
When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When our habits are strange And our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife She gets stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh? ----------------------
I have an Epipen.......
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it. -------------------------
What kind of cell phone did Delilah use ?
Samson ---------------------------
Samson replaced all the countertops....
In Delilah's son's home
He told her, " This is for Micah, I hope he doesn't take it for granite ". ----------------------------
Wizard of Oz
...is 85 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage, she wouldn't be in Oz.
She'd be in Congress! ---------------------------
Word for the day- Ineptocracy
Ineptocracy (in-ept-oc-ra-cy) - System of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers. ---------------------
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. --------------------------
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------
Bill Gates says a cow emits more pollution...
Than a car. Allow me to propose this: I will lock myself in my garage with a cow overnight. Bill can lock himself in his garage with a running car. In the morning we can have a meeting to discuss the results. ------------------------
It's true that alcohol can kill people but think about how many were born because of it. -------------------
Old McDonald has a bad Scrabble hand
EIEIO -----------------------
Never give up on people Take...
...Cyril as an example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage and was going to be evicted from his house the very next day. He drove all the way down to Beachy Head and parked two feet from the edge of the cliff. He was going to end it all and drive off the edge. He just sat there with his head on the steering wheel sobbing. People tried to comfort him but he was so depressed he didn't listen to them! This is what I mean when I say never give up on people. They all passed a hat around and got Cyril the £500. Who passed the hat around? All the people on his bus! -------------------------
Military service
Dad: "Son, In Afghanistan I killed 12 people.”
Son: "Dad you were a cook."
Dad: "Never said I was a good one." ------------------------
My wife walks out of the bathroom, winks at me and says, "I just shaved down there, you know what that means!"
I said, "yeah, the drain is clogged." -------------------------
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. -------------------------------
The other day I parked my car outside the State Capital Building. A guard said, "you can't park here, this is where our politicians work. I replied, "don't worry, it'll be safe, I've locked it." -------------------------------
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more...... -------------------------------
Boobs are proof that men can focus on two things at once. ------------------------------
I never tried drugs before........
but now I'm up to speed. ----------------------------
The wife is threatening to leave me...
because I can never make a decision for myself.
What do you think I should do? ----------------------------
What's the difference between.....
a Nirvana concert and a pirate orgy?
Either you come as you are, or you arrrr as you cum. ------------------------------
My deaf girlfriend just told me.....
" I think we need to talk ".
That's not a good sign -------------------------------
When they leave they take the house and car with them. --------------------------
We were so poor..........................
When I was a kid, my parents would make me walk the plank. ( we couldn't afford a dog )
i cut the bottom limb off our big fir tree and decorated it for Christmas ...
My girlfriend was so poor she gave me imitation crabs
that for breakfast we had Ordinary K
One year, for Christmas, all I got was an air guitar.
We were only allowed to play Dungeons OR Dragons. ----------------------------------
A girl asked me what it's like having a penis...
I told her:
"It's hard sometimes" -------------------------
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions... ---------------------------
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No, not if I'm gonna' have to explain it four times.” -----------------------------------
Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.
Or, how to fix a flat tire by letting the air out of the other three. -----------------------------
I was told I could be anyone I wanted to be
Now they're trying to call it identity theft. -----------------------------
My doctor told me I should start running.
Apparently he found out I was screwing his wife. ---------------------------
A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.
The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man.
A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.
Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance." --------------------------
I have the heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo. ------------------------
Q.What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A Honda, because the Apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. -------------------------------
Adam blamed Eve
Eve blamed the snake
and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on. -------------------------------
One day a young lad came home from school at 7pm.
"You're late. Where were you?" asked his father.
"I was with my friend Jessica." he replied.
"Doing what?" his dad asked again.
"We were just studying, Dad." replied the boy.
The father glared at him skeptically. Wanting to change the subject, the boy picked up a snack off the kitchen table and took a bite. "Wow, these fish cakes are delicious!" said the boy.
Dad replied with a smirk: "Go wash your hands, son. Those are donuts." -------------------------------
People who say "go big or go home" seriously under estimate my willingness to go home. Really, it's my only goal.
If you think you have it bad, just think. There's someone right now meeting your ex and thinking they really found someone special.
An alien space ship lands on the White House lawn. We are thrilled to find the alien is very human-like and very friendly. He asks if our president can set up a meeting of the leaders of all nations of the world, which he certainly can do. So in a week there's a huge meeting with the leaders of 200 nations. Each leader has a few minute to ask whatever questions he'd like.
So eventually it gets to the Pope, leader of the independent Vatican. The Pope asks the alien if he's familiar with Jesus Christ, the savior of the universe. "Sure I know him!" the alien says. "He visited us only about two farges ago—that's about six months in your time. Great guy, Jesus!" The Pope says "He visited you six months ago?"
"Yes!" the alien says. "He visits us every two or three years. We're always very happy to see him!"
The Pope says "He came here two thousand years ago—that's four thousand farges! And we're still waiting for him to come back! Why does he visit you so often?"
The alien says "Well we make this great chocolate on our planet. Dark chocolate. Jesus loves chocolate! We always send him away with ten pounds of chocolate. And we have a big party when he leaves."
"Chocolate?" the Pope says.
"Sure. He loves the stuff. When he visited here last, how did you send him off?"
In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends." -------------------------------
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car. ------------------------------
What's the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it. -----------------------------
Imagine a government operated so poorly...
They had to import an entire nation of new
voters because they lost the citizens vote. -------------------------------
Little boy: "Mommy, what happens when a car gets so old and rusty that it won't move anymore?"
Mom: "Someone sells it to your father." ---------------------------
A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either." --------------------------
Adam & Eve were the first people who didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions. -------------------------
What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it. --------------------------
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -------------------------
My medical test results are in.
They have ruled out anything cheap. -------------------------
I remember one time when I was arrested by a female police officer.
She informed me that anything I said can and will be held against me.
I said "Boobs!" ---------------------------
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water. --------------------------
Boeing reports all quality problems solved...
...after fixing the malfunctioning whistleblower. ------------------------
My favorite mythical creature, an honest politician. ----------------------
Social media has never caused the lame to walk
But it sure has caused the dumb to speak! -------------------------
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others
The rest of us have to be the others -----------------------------
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" ----------------------------
I recently purchased a toilet brush.
Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper. -----------------------------
The husband says to his wife, "why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm'?
She replies, "I don't like calling you when you're at work." -------------------------------
New Joe Biden inaction figure.
Comes with removable sunglasses, ice cream cone and Chinese money. ------------------------------
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven." ---------------------------
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV, and games console shut down immediately. It was raining -- therefore I couldn't play golf, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person... ---------------------------
That's like, a mile across ! There I was, innocently walking with the dog, when, all of a sudden, like, the UFO rose above the clouds into the sunny sky, a jet of cold air rushing down, the wind refreshing in the summer's heat. Weather Phenomena, is what the news said later, but, I had seen it with my own eyes, so did many others in the neighborhood, too frightened to speak out, afraid of the unknown. 2014, Toronto
