That joke is just nuts. ---------------------------
How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?
He force feeds himself. --------------------------
My anxiety gets really bad when I drive over bridges
My therapist says I have truss issues. -------------------------
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
----------------------
You want to confiscate American guns?
How about taking them from criminals?
You know, like a test run? -----------------------
Members of Congress should be required to wear uniforms like NASCAR race drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.
-------------------------
NSA: A government agency that actually listens to you.
---------------------------
Bill Clinton, George W Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
Washington shouts, "save the women,"
Bush hollers, "screw the women,
Clinton asks excitedly, "do we have time?" -----------------------------
My cat takes notes at meetings.
He uses scratch pads. ---------------------------
I used to be a watch repairman.
I worked around the clock. ---------------------------
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan! --------------------------
What's the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse. ---------------------------
What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing. -----------------------------
My daughter asked me....
...do all fairy tales begin with "once upon a time"?
I told her no. Most of them begin with "if elected to office I promise". ----------------------------
School Best Sellers...
Walking To School The First Day Back by Misty Bus
The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me by I. Rhoda Bike
Can't See The Chalkboard by Sidney Backrow
Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School by Major Crackupp
What I Dislike About Returning To School by Mona Lott
Making It Through The First Week Of School by Gladys Saturday
Is Life Over When Summer Ends? by Midas Welbee
What I Love About Returning To School by I. M. Kidding
Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? by I. Betty Wont
What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School by U. Will Gettitt
---------------------------------
I'm into fitness
I'm fitn'iss hamberger into my mouf.
--------------------------------
Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a
traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.
"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little focking wankers before I get out and rip your gotdam balls off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
--------------------------------
The media never quotes Biden out of context
because most of what he says is unintelligible. ------------------------------
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding." --------------------------------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. ----------------------------------
You will find them at the protests, deluded, demented, drugged, their intent is to devour you. ' Remove the head, or, destroy the brain ! ' ~ Shaun of the Dead
Zombies, one mile !
Do not attempt to forgive your loved ones, bash them without remorse !
You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."
It is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
You can tell it's a full moon or if it's going to rain, snow, hail... anything!!! without ever looking outside.
You believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no social life between August and June.
You think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.
You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U- HAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students' chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"
You would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.
You think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons... and desks and chairs for that matter!
The words "I have a college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth.
You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year! -------------------------------
Ran out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg. -------------------------------
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.
I don’t listen – and something else ----------------------------
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners. -----------------------------
Most forgiving celebrity: Dolly Pardon ------------------------------
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." -------------------------------
Here at Fisher Investments, we don't believe in commissions
......................plus, we're almost all women.
That's why we're called a fi-douche-iary. -----------------------------
My primary doctor recommended I see a functional neuropathist.
I said, "Well, I hope so.............why would I want to see a non-functional one ? --------------------------------
As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."
I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.
"Why not?"
Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers." ---------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken scientist cross the road? To invent the other side.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull. -----------------------------------
I may be old, but............................
..............I got to see the world before it went to **** . ---------------------------------
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 257 dollars. Next..." ------------------------------
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
"When I fall in love, it will be forheifer." ( sorry lol) ----------------------------------
It always irked my mother that her grocery store
didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six!
She was so excited, she bought two. -------------------------------
Exercise helps you with decision-making.
It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again. -------------------------------
Why is it hard to argue with a woman not wearing a bra ?
She's already made two good points, and you can't get past that. ------------------------------
The "czech engine" light is always on in my Yugo -----------------------------
The statistical data proving that the IQ of each generation after the 'Baby Boomers' has been dropping is well documented.
It's been a rapid linear decline but Scientists fear it may drop even faster, in part due to factors related to Covid19.
For those of you who are skeptical that this is true.....consider this:
When I bought my first new car, the owner's manual gave me instructions so I could adjust the valve clearance on the intake and exhaust valves properly.
New cars now have owner's manuals that tell them not to drink the contents of the battery or the radiator. -----------------------------
My anti-theft car
Stick shift, actual key to start it and instructions on how to drive it written in cursive -------------------------------
Women are like swimming pools.
They cost a lot to maintain considering the amount of time you spend inside. ------------------------------
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed! -------------------------------
I find that I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.
My doctor explained that it's the Vitamin C and natural sugars, but I really think it's the Vodka. ----------------------------
This woman casually undressed in front of me.
Does this mean:
1) She's an exhibitionist. 2) She may be girlfriend material. 3) She hasn't spotted me peeking through the blinds yet. --------------------------
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Without geometry, life is pointless. ---------------------------
I got gas today for $1.49...
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell. --------------------------
My wife informed me that weight loss helps improve a man's sexual health and performance.
I said, "So which gym do you plan to join. ?" ---------------------------
I made a new film called 'Constipated'
It hasn't come out yet. ---------------------------
common sense is not a gift it's a punishment
because you have to deal with all the people that have none ---------------------------
I was talking to this old couple, and I asked what do they do for fun? The old fella said, well last week we came into town and did a bit of shopping, and we spotted a policeman writing a ticket on the car. I said to him have a bit of pity on an old man, he kept writing, so I said, you’re mean bastard and he started writing another ticket, the missus then said, you're a mean bastard with a little dick!! He then began to write another ticket for the bald tires but it didn’t worry us as we came in on the bus!!! --------------------------------
You want to go electric ? Start with the border! ------------------------------
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a &%^$^% Chihuahua?? -------------------------------
I saw my 75 year old neighbor from across the
street lying face down behind his car.
At first, I thought he was looking at something under his car then realized that he had fallen. I went over to check on him while my wife called 911.
He hit his shoulder and head on the pavement but thankfully, he was not seriously injured and is doing much better.
Paramedics showed up and after checking my neighbor's vitals, one of the Paramedics asked him a question to test his mental awareness since he had an obvious head injury.
The Paramedic asked my neighbor, "Who is the President of the United States?"
My neighbor replied, "Trump!"
The Paramedic said, "In a perfect world!"
Then the Paramedic told my neighbor, "The President is Joe Biden but, that's OK, Biden doesn't know he's President either." --------------------------
The donkey told the tiger: ′′The grass is blue.”
The tiger replied: ′′No, the grass is green.”
The discussion became heated up, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, and to do so they approached the lion, King of the Jungle.
Before reaching the clearing in the forest where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey started screaming: “Your Highness, is it true that grass is blue?”
The lion replied: “True, the grass is blue.”
The donkey rushed forward and continued: ′′The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts me and annoys me. Please punish him.”
The king then declared: ′′The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence.”
The donkey jumped for joy and went on his way, content and repeating: ‘′The grass is blue...”
The tiger accepted his punishment, but he asked the lion: ′Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, the grass is green?”
The lion replied: ′′In fact, the grass is green.”
The tiger asked: ‘′So why do you punish me?”
The lion replied: ′′That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that to come and bother me with that question.”
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of their beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense… There are people who, for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand, and others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t. When ignorance screams, intelligence shuts up. Your peace and tranquillity are worth more. ------------------------------------
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax", I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make that much money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party -------------------------------
with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." ----------------------------
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. -----------------------------
My brother hated going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone, and covered the walls with his feces.
It was the last time we played Monopoly. ----------------------------
What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter ?
Because boy scouts are only interested in eating brownies. ------------------------
The other day I was in Starbucks
There was a guy sitting at a table just drinking coffee.
No laptop, no smartphone, nothing. Just sitting there drinking coffee like some psychopath. -------------------------
Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex.
A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. -------------------------
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.". The cannibals promised they would not.. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something." -------------------------------
I was going to tell a joke about a pop fly......
.................but I knew it would go way over your head. ------------------------------
To which Norse realm do the protectors of the rectum go?
Assguard -----------------------------
I think my urologist hates me.
Last time I saw him he gave me the finger. -------------------------------
What is the best way to quit being a vegan?
Cold turkey. -----------------------------
Hardest part of Cloning sheep
Staying awake while you're doing inventory.. ---------------------------
I asked my girlfriend how she could be so beautiful, and so stupid.
She said God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and God made me stupid so I'd be attracted to you. --------------------------
What happens to an illegally parked frog?
It gets toad away. -------------------------
Men in overalls built this country...
Men in suits are destroying it. ----------------------------
DONT LET DONALD TRUMP CHEAT!!!
Demand voter ID and paper ballots. ----------------------------
The Moon is mostly gases, Guam could flip ? iQ deficit disorder, idiotic mumbo jumbo ! Universal knowledge, some have it, some don't. ' It's stupendously ignorant ! ' Destined for the final frontier ! ' Uh.. no, no, not you, the Ark Spaceships are reserved for those with iQ's above the test threshold ' ' You must be this smart to ride on this ride ! ' ' Answer me these questions three ! ' ' What is your quest ? ' ' What is your favorite color ? ' ' What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow in flight ? '
This is the way, Darwin observed, the weak and stupid fall prey to the smarter, stronger, entirely natural selection, nature's method of strengthening the genes of society. Being stupid attenuates the lifespan, naturally.
Me: "Doc, I get a nasty reaction after applying the hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me." Doctor: "Where did you apply it ?" Me: "On the bus." -------------------
Salesman: “ This van will sleep four people without any problems.”
Me: “I don’t know four people without any problems.” --------------------
I rented an expensive luxury car.......
and was shocked to learn that it didn't come with a driver.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it. -------------------
After sex with this woman I picked up at the bar
she said, "You're easily the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently, "ditto" was the wrong response. Visiting hours at the hospital are 10 am to 8 pm. -------------------
Little Linda was waiting outside the shop for her mother when this man came up to her and asked, young lady, can you tell me where the Post Office is? Little Linda says, go down 3 streets and turn left. The man said thank you, I’m the new pastor and if you come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you the way to heaven!! Little Linda said, you're bullshitting me you can’t even find your way to the Post Office!! -------------------
Little Johnny missed school one day.
The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: "I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull."
The teacher asked, "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" To which Johnny replies, "Maybe, but the bull does it better." ----------------------
A husband asks his wife, "If I die, will you marry another man?"
The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting married again when I'm gone? "
He replied, "No, same as you. I'm going to go live with your sister." -----------------------
Isn't it disgusting when people cheat on their taxes ?
It's not a world I want my 23 dependents to grow up in. ---------------------
The nun is filing assault charges. ------------------
He's such a nice guy He'll let you borrow
any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!
He's Never Gonna Give You Up ---------------------
My train of thought often leaves the station without me. ----------------------
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, went
back, got distracted and have no idea what's going on. ---------------------
I got myself a new senior's GPS
Not only does it tell me how to get there, it reminds me why I went there in the first place. ---------------------
Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken. -------------------
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself. She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees.
That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.
After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection below decks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."
"And?" says the captain "And...well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!" ----------------------------
I had a bunch of penis jokes for today..........
....................but I scrotum all up. --------------------------
There's a new hotel downtown called The G-spot.
It got a zero star rating. Nobody could find it ----------------------------
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is the most painful experience a human can have; way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Well, time for another beer. --------------------------------
You know there is no official training for trash collectors?
They just pick things up as they go along. ---------------------------------
You Know It's Summer in Florida When...
- When your car is overheating before you drive it.
- Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.
- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon
- Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.
- You discover that you can drive the car using only two fingers on the hot steering wheel.
- The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
-More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
- Your pool water boils so much in the sun that you can boil potatoes in ten minutes in it.
- You burn the grass by watering it with the hose.
- The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.
- A hot shower cools you off.
- The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
- You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.
- At noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.
- Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
- You burn your hand opening the car door and your rear end wearing shorts on the hot seats.
- You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.
- Your dog refuses to go outside so you are forced to build and inside a/c toilet facility for it.
- All picnics feature hot food like it or not.
- There is no such thing as "Cool Aid."
- The beaches are over populated with natives instead of tourists. ---------------------------------
21 Church Signs...
1. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
2. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
3. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
4. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
7. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
13. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
14. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
15. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
16. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
17. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R)
18. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
19. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
20. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem! --------------------------
There's an app that tells you immediately which of your friends are total morons.
It's called Facebook.
-----------------------------
I hope these don't bug you....
Banks use insects to check customers' balances and deal with financial issues. They're called account-ants.
Ten insects living in a housing complex: Tenants
Insects that frequent Muslim places of worship: Mosque-itos
I know a guy who cross-breeds insects. I liked him at first, but now I'm tired of his ant-ticks.
An insect on your family tree: An ant-cestor --------- I know those were gnat very funny -----------------------
I've only been gluten-free for a week,
but I'm already really annoying. -------------------------
Me ( to grandson ):
"When I was your age, there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women." ------------------------
I love playing craps in Hawaii.
It's a tropical pair-a-dice. ------------------------
A parrot at the auction
A man buys a parrot at an auction after bidding higher and higher against another bidder.
“I suppose the bird talks,” he said to the auctioneer.
“Talks!” replies the auctioneer. “He’s been bidding against you for the last 10 minutes!!!” -------------------------
Did you hear they arrested the devil?
They got him for possession. -------------------------
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco, Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.” ----------------------
Pick up line: "If you're feeling down...........
...................................I will feel you up." -------------------------
People who say fight fire with fire
clearly don't understand the effectiveness of water. -------------------------
I asked a prostitute how much for a go?
She said $400 dollars.
I had a good laugh at her expense. --------------------------
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep
with them. I thought, "Man, I feel like I've won the lottery !" I was right.................................we had six matching balls. -------------------------
Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.
He was watching **** over my shoulder. -------------------------
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too." -------------------------
When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.
*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind. ------------------------------
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!" ----------------------------
Now THOSE are some good ones, many of which I can relate but you have the Chuck Norris thing backwards...Superman was created before Chuck Norris was even born.
Glad you like em MJ! They take a fair amount of searching to find. Its a joke forum but practically everything posted is political, even tho theres a forum for that. Its mainly just bickering and name calling but a choice nugget presents itself on occasion. Heres smore
I'm not bald...
I just grew too tall for my hair. --------------------
from work and my wife would say those three little special words, "fired again, honey ?" ----------------------
“People say money is not the key to happiness,
but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” --------------------
A New Wine From Walmart...
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Thought you would like to be first in line to buy some!
"While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, here we go--the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel). --------------------------
Prison Life vs Full-Time Job...
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we call them managers... ----------------------------
My wife dresses to kill................
......................and cooks the same way. -----------------------------
I need to pay closer attention.
Just found out my wife and I have different names for the dog. ----------------------------
How do you break up a fight between two blind people?
Yell out "My money is on the one with a knife!" -----------------------------
Apparently I have an 'outstanding payment'
I don't remember making it but I'm glad they liked it. -----------------------------
I was thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.....
.......................but then I thought, she'll probably just think I'm after my money. ----------------------------
My wife just left me because "I'm insecure"
Oh wait..................she's back............................she just went to get a cup of coffee.. -----------------------------
A Canadian and a Scotsman started a new artificial intelligence company.
They call it "Eh?-Aye!" ------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an airplane!
Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"
Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."
Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"
Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot." -------------------------------
My hamster died from lack of exercise.
I feel responsible...I never gave him the wheel to live. -------------------------------
Just watched a documentary on the building of the Titanic.
It was riveting. -------------------------------
When I see names of lovers carved on a tree, I don't think it's cute or romantic. I think it's odd how many people take knives with them on a date. --------------------------------
When Little Johnny's english teacher said ,"What tense is the sentence, I am beautiful !"
Johnny jumps up and says,clearly past tense ! ------------------------------
When little johnny was in english class, his teacher said, "Today we're going to learn about punctuation." Johnny quickly raised his hand and said,"Why are periods so important ? His teacher replied,"Why do you ask ?" Johnny said, "When my sister said she missed her period my dad started to yell and my mom passed out !" ------------------------------
My grandson asked me what it's like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. ------------------------------
I never knew what true happiness was until I got married.
But then, it was too late. ------------------------------
New Netflix series: Battle of the Bulge
Starring: Dylan Mulvaney, Lia Thomas, and Michelle Obama ------------------------------
A ram is on a first date talking
when suddenly he realizes he's been rambling.
Not wanting to be rude, he says to his date....so enough about me, tell me about ewe. ---------------------------
Women's Marriage Seminar...
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are hilarious 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love... Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she? ---------------------------------
Guess what I did before I got married ?
Anything I wanted. --------------------------------
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard.... --------------------------------
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
--------------------------------
I have a fear of elevators.
That's why I always take steps to avoid them ----------------------------------
I installed Microsoft Word into my self-driving car's computer.
Now it's writing its autobiography -------------------------------
Fast Food
Whoever put the letter "S" in fast food is a marketing genius. -------------------------------
I said to my daughter, "the grandkids are spoiled."
She said, "all little kids smell that way." -----------------------------
I'm on multiple dating sites because............
………..one can never get enough rejection. ------------------------------
My brother used to be my partner in crime.......
..................until we got caught.....................
Then HE did it. ------------------------------
Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..
I spent five hours child-proofing the house.
They still got in. ---------------------------------
Teach a woman to garden....................and the entire neighborhood gets free zucchini. --------------------------
They say the dinosaurs were all wiped out by an asteroid 66 million years ago.
Why were they all standing in the same area ? ----------------------
Proofreading is a lossed art. -----------------------
We might not have it all together,
but together we had it all. -----------------------
One big difference between men and women:
When women say "smell this", it usually smells nice. ----------------------
Asked: Are you better off today than I was 4 years ago (nice grammar chief lol)
Answered: Yes...Now when I spend a hundred dollars on groceries, I only have to carry two bags. --------------------
Nowdays it's illegal to hurt animals.
I kicked a pelican and ended up footing a massive bill. ------------------
You can walk around WALMART and eat grapes and nobody bother you, But as soon as you eat a ROTISSERIE CHICKEN Here comes Security.
Dear God you gave me childhood then you took it away, You gave me youth and again took it away, You gave me a wife - it's been years now, Just reminding you.
It feels amazing to walk into a store and buy anything I want without looking at the price tag. Thank you Dollar Tree.
What do you call a spider with 10 eyes? A SPI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Ider.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a Cod any Cod.... course this joke might not go off in Boston. ---------------------
Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a Family!! Me: That's why I ordered the Family bucket, No-one get's left behind.
My cousin took a drug test today for a job, They pulled the hair from her wig, she starts Monday.
I had a job interview this morning and was hired on the spot. The Manager said I'll start you off at $15 an hour, and in 6 months I'll increase it to $25 an hour... When can you start?" I said, "In 6 Months."
What do you call an old snowman? A glass of water. ----------------------
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'" ------------------------
I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.
I know what you're thinking.....................how did I know he was on his way to work ? -----------------------
Dangerfield joke
I Know How To Make A Girl Say, 'Yes.'
I Ask Her, 'Am I Bothering You?'" -------------------------
I threw a ball for my dog.
I know it seems a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday and he looks good in a suit. -------------------------
Imagine, if you will...
A world where people believe that the temperature of the planet can be controlled by giving more money to the government ----------------------------
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.” ---------------------------
Women with false eyelashes remind me of.........
..................two tarantulas screaming for attention. ------------------------------
My dog used to chase people on a bike all the
time. It got so bad..........................................I had to take his bike away. -----------------------------
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered
to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle...
It was an ether/oar situation. ------------------------------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." -----------------------------
Just went to a wedding of two nuclear scientists
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing. ---------------------------
I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph.
It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis. ------------------------
Bachelor: a guy who never made the same mistake once. ------------------------
Two cannonballs just got married.
They're already expecting a BB. -------------------------
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. ---------------------------
How do you catch a unique wabbit?
You 'neak up on it. You catch a tame wabbit the tame way. ----------------------------
College boys on a booze cruise, find the ship
sinking.They board a lifeboat and drift for hours. They spot a bottle and pull it in. Rubbing the bottle a genie appears, and gives them one wish. One genius yells,"Make the ocean turn to beer." His buddy punches him and says," You dummy, now we have to piss in the boat !" ------------------------
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" ---------------------------
Just fell in love with a pencil...............
How do I tell my wife about my future wife 2B ? ------------------------------
My wife is like bacon.................
She looks, smells, and tastes amazing..................but she's slowly killing me. ------------------------------
I got sick from eating too much margarine
My doctor called it the Blue Bonnet Plague -------------------------------
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I
couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.
Turns out that is 9 pm. --------------------------------
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man." ---------------------------------
Any dog can be a guide dog,
if you don't care where you're going --------------------------------
Tom Cruise movie about ice cream:
Ben & Jerry Maguire -------------------------------
How does a vampire start every letter ?
Tomb it may concern............................... --------------------------------
Best Name for a Boat
Unsinkable II She Got the House Sotally Tober -------------------------------
Best American President Ever
Joe Biden -------------------------------
You don't like political jokes, because
you've seen too many get elected ! ------------------------------
My marriage counselor asked me if I wake up grumpy in the morning. I said "no, most of the time I just let her sleep". -----------------------------
Staying healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible. ------------------------------
How does a female magician make her boyfriend disappear ?
By asking for a commitment. -------------------------------
I'm so rich.......
I bought a kid for my cat to play with
My dog has a Segway to chase sticks
My servants have servants
I wallpapered my house in $100 bills
My kids are still TPing houses
I don't get crabs, I get lobsters
I stopped looking for tax loopholes -----------------------------
The parade An associate of Nancy Pelosi told Nancy about a fantastic dream she had experienced the other night. There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering as Nancy went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair OK?" Her friend said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed." -------------------------------
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much, I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!” ------------------
Me: "Want a quickie ?"
Wife: "As opposed to what ?" ------------------
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.
If I'd only known about her history of violins. -----------------
I burned my Hawaiian pizza last night.
Guess I should have baked it on aloha temperature. ----------------
Tinder is for rookies.
I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses.
I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size. -------------------
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Nice saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted --------------------
A chicken and an egg go into the emergency
room of a hospital. The secretary says, "OK, who's first ?" --------------------
A man walks into an auto dismantler...
...and says to the employee behind the counter " I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo".
The employee thinks about this for a moment, then responds " Ok, that sounds like a fair trade". ------------------
What do you call a dead magician?
Abracadaver. -----------------
You Know You're Too Intense, When...
~ You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
~ The sun is SO loud.
~ Trees begin chasing you.
~ You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
~ You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
~ You can hear mimes.
~ You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
~ Things become "very clear."
~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
~ You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
~ You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
~ Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
~ You and Reality file for divorce.
~ You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
~ You can skip without a rope.
~ It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
~ You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything Else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
~ You can travel without moving.
~ Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
~ You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before...
~ Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. --------------------------
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book." ---------------------
I got invited to a party and was told dress to kill
Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind!! ---------------------
I did my first nude painting this morning the neighbors weren’t happy, but the front door looks fantastic!!
-------------------
Little Johnny goes up to a policeman and says, my dad is in a fight at the bar He follows the boy to the bar and there are 3 men fighting, the policeman says, well which one is your dad?
Little Johnny says that’s what the fight is about!!! ------------------
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence,
and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. --------------------
What job ads really mean
Competitive salary We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required Some every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail We have no quality assurance.
Career-minded Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
Problem-solving skills a must You're walking into perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. ----------------------
I'm only responsible for what I say.
Not for what you understand. ---------------------
This is Bob. Bob has no arms.
Knock, knock Who's there ? Well, it sure as hell ain't Bob. --------------------
The path to inner peace begins with four words:
Not my focking problem. ---------------------
People say I act like I don't care.
It's not an act --------------------
My life is top secret.
Even I don't know what I'm doing. ------------------
I had a nice conversation with some dolphins....
Really? How did that happen?
I don't know. We just clicked... ---------------------
Me: I'm having trouble with my hearing...
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Sure! Homer is a fat guy and his wife, Marge, has blue hair. ---------------------
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. --------------------
From the Babylon Bee:
---Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record
--Wife Of Protestant Asks Him To Please Stop Nailing Grocery List To Front Door
--Asylum Orderlies Return Hillary Clinton To Padded Cell Disguised As Oval Office
--Progressive Utopia Of California Becomes First State To Eliminate Electricity Entirely
--Washington Post To Run All Headlines By In-House ISIS Marketing Rep
--CNN Uncovers Evidence Hero Dog Sniffed Dozens Of Butts Back In College
--Extreme Vegan Has All Meat Removed From Body ---------------------------
I've spent my whole life trying to perfect cloning technology.
Now I'm beside myself. ------------------------
What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?
Multi-ply -----------------------
Getting over diarrahea......
isn't the best feeling in the world, but it's a solid #2. -----------------------
My obese parrot just died.
It was a real weight off my shoulder. ----------------------
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!" --------------------
Damn jofo is drying up, just political drivel and bickering/whining now
What do you call a drunk astronaut ?
Buzzed Litebeer ------------------------------
Take a look at...
A recent video of Joe Biden. Age 81.
Then, a recent video of Mick Jagger. Age 80.
Maybe sex, drugs, and rock and roll ain't such a bad thing. ------------------------------
How to Install a Southern Security System.
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine. 3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Betty Sue, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
- Cooter
-------------------------------------
T-shirt seen on a baby:
I just did nine months on the inside. ----------------------------------
Henry Winkler on an airplane flight.
The flight attendant asked him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replied, "Of course I would... but it's pronounced Fonz. " -----------------------------------
Milton Berle Quotes...
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. -----------------------------
Jellyfish have survived 650 million years
despite not having a brain
This gives so many people hope ----------------------------------
Why don't the Clinton's like Jehovah's witness?
The Clinton's don't like any witnesses. --------------------------------
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefore. --------------------------------
I'm disgusted by people who treat
politics like it's a team sport.
Don't they know it's really a Vegas roulette wheel rigged by the house. ---------------------------------
My favorite gym exercise:
Exercising my right to not go to the gym. -----------------------------
What's Sarah Palin's favorite water sport ?
Parah Salin -----------------------------
GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day. ------------------------------------
Pirate pickup lines:
Ye be having me at full mast!
I be after your doubloons, darling !
Yer booty shivers me timbers!
Prepare to be boarded ! ----------------------------------
Funny Book Authors...
"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner
"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts
"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech
"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight -------------------------------
A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said: 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. Her exact words were:”
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Joe Biden’s presidential campaign.’” ---------------------------------
You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for Being in the country illegally. =================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions Of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his Teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class In grade school is perfectly acceptable. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts Cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while Sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately Discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts Are left to rot in filth infested cesspools. ==================================================== You know you live in Country run by idiots if... Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the Health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to Have child after child on the "State's" dime while never being held Responsible for their own choices. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and Government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded With EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing, And free cell phones. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the Constitution is really protecting the rights of the people. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... The rights of the Government come before the rights of the Individual. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their Children. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe". ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field Trip but not to get an abortion. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and Head searched. ==================================================== You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and Singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art". ===================================================== "IN GOD WE TRUST" ----------------------------------
Favorite board game of mice:
Parcheese-e -------------------------------------
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri....
"What do women want?"
She has been talking nonstop for the last two damn days. -------------------------------------
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge. -------------------------------------
The wit and wisdom of George Burns...
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do. --------------------------------
My Life as a Virgin, by Anita Dick. --------------------------------
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours." ----------------------------------
Taylor Swift wrote over 500 songs about breakups
and 0 songs about blowjobs.
Coincidence ? I think not. ---------------------------------
My granddaughter at the toy store:
Her choices: Party Barbie - $20 Work Barbie - $20 Divorced Barbie - $99
Granddaughter: "Why is the divorced Barbie so much ?" Employee: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house and car." ------------------------------
One day Griz wanted to mow his lawn.
"I really need to mow the lawn but it's very hot outside, what would the neighbors think if I did it naked?" He asked his wife.
"They would think I married you for your money" ------------------------------
Saw a grey pubic hair today.
It was in my Big Mac. -----------------------------
How do redheads shave their pubic hair ?
Very gingerly. ------------------------------
Some Deep Thoughts
Where there's a will, I want to be mentioned in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, people often appear bright before you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
News castors begin by saying "Good Evening," then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I thought I wanted a career. It turns out, I only wanted paychecks.
When filling out applications, where is says "In case of emergency, who to notify" I put doctor.
"I didn't say it was your fault. I just said I was blaming you."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man, is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a diminished memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't escape.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting a target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit a target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We're supposed to respect our elders, but at my age it's getting hard to find any. --------------------------------
Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast.
That KY jelly tastes terrible. -------------------------------
Me: "Doc, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning."
Doctor: "Well, wake up in the afternoon then." ------------------------------
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.'
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." ----------------------------
Joe Biden is just Hillary Clinton...
with a smaller penis. -----------------------------
I own an actual Peter Pan turd
That chit never gets old. ---------------------------
I put " I work with animals " ......
in my online dating profile.
Women love that in a man.
I never get a second date when they find out I'm a butcher. ----------------------------
They say that everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions. -------------------------
I want to state before I post this joke that it is not poking fun at any religion- it is poking fun at words that can have different- or multiple meanings.
I heard this years ago- but was reminded of it when my ex-Air Force Aunt sent it to me;
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won! The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again! The local paper read: PASTOR'S AZZ OUT FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S AZZ This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST AZZ IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day, the paper's headline read: NUN SELLS AZZ FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day's headline read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER AZZ IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of this story is. . . .Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's azz. You will be a lot happier and live longer!
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh? -----------------------------
Did you hear about this new diet where you fast < HaveYaHeard > 2024-07-04 20:46
for seven days?
I don't think one should fast for seven days--it would make one weak. ----------------------------
If you are an American when you go into a bathroom and an American when you come out, what are you when you are inside ?
European -----------------------------
Two billionaires started a company that makes a drug that promises to enlarge a man's penis.
It's called Elongates. -----------------------------
Wish me luck! I have a meeting at the bank... this afternoon and if everything goes well I'll be out of debt!
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask ----------------------------
- Neckties can impair blood flow to the brain and interfere with clear thinking, alertness, and judgment.
- If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
- Tell us what you despise; by this are you truly known.
- The right to be right is irrelevant. It is the right to be wrong that makes one free.
- Opinion - knowledge without the hindrance of silly facts.
- An ill-chosen word is the fool's messenger. Politics is comedy plus pretense. Comedy is tragedy plus time.
-----------------------------
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
The world's most expensive assisted living facility. ----------------------------
I work in a factory that makes salt and pepper
It's seasonal work --------------------------
If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic... ---------------------------
A man in Alaska was grieving over the loss of
his wife, who went missing in an apparent kayaking accident...
After notifying the Alaska state Police of the accident, the man went home and waited for word from the authorities...
The next day, a knock came on the front door and when the man opened the door, there were two grim faced Alaska State Troopers standing on the stoop.
The man asked... "Did you find my wife...?!?"
The troopers removed their hats and held them by the brims, as if in a respectful way and said... "Yes sire, we found your wife and her kayak... and, we have some bad news, some good news and some really great news... which would you like to hear first...?"
Nervously, the man said.. "Well, give me the bad news first.."
With that, the Trooper said, "Unfortunately, your wife is, in fact, dead... Apparently, when the kayak capsized, she was bitten by a shark in Kacamak Bay..."
"And, what's the good news?" asked the husband...
Then the trooper told the man... "Well, when the rescue boat pulled her body out of the water, there were more that twelve - twenty five pound King Crabs, feeding on her... And, well... the Commissioner feels it is only proper that you be entitled to the catch..."
Still a little shaken over the news, the man asked... "And, what is the really great news you have...?"
With that the Troopers looked at each other and the first trooper began to speak to the grieving man... he said...
"Well, sir, the great news is... We're going to pull her up again tomorrow..." ----------------------------------
Lorena Bobbit dead in car accident.
Some dick cut her off. --------------------------------
Too many people fight for the right to say what they think, and then say too much without thinking... ------------------------------
- Experience is something you get just after you really needed it.
- Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones
- Experience is the worst teacher - it always gives the test first and the instructions afterward. -------------------------------
Two old ladies were sitting on the beach one afternoon drinking beer.....
They got sand in their Schlitz. ----------------------------
Pirate: "The cannons be ready Captain."
Captain: "Are" ----------------------------
What do you call a pirate with two eyes,
two hands, and two legs ?
A rookie. ---------------------------------
A diner was agitated that the waiter didn't
bring him a spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most other persons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen, and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed ---------------------------------
Thelma and Louise spent an entire movie
challenging sexist stereotypes...................
then ended up dying due to terrible driving --------------------------------------
Today’s Funny’s……….. • I took my suit to the cleaners who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15. • My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. • Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird. • Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear. • My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you." • She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she's reloading. • When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape. • Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too. • I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. • At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. • I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids. • I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time. • Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge. • As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
