Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook
while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works!
I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist! ------------------------
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. - When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. - A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. - When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A. - The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. - The batteries were given out free of charge. - A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. - A will is a dead giveaway. - If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. - With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. - Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. - You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. - Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. - A boiled egg is hard to beat. - When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. - Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. - If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. - A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. - In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. - When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds - The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. - He had a photographic memory which was never developed. - Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. - Acupuncture: a jab well done. -------------------------------
What do you call hiking college students ?
The walking debt. --------------------------------
I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said, "you have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on."
I said "Na, you're just pulling my leg." ------------------------------
I just want someone to laugh at my jokes...
the way Kamala laughs at questions she doesn't know the answer too. -----------------------------
Lego store Grand Opening was a big deal....
People were lined up for blocks.. ---------------------------
Grizand his wife decided on go on a diet.
After weeks of strictly sticking to their diet, Griz's wife suggested a cheat day.
She brought home a large pizza, a box of donuts and some chicken wings.
Griz brought home a hot blonde with big tits.
From his hospital bed, Griz thought about how men will never understand women. -----------------------------
Had a dream that I owned a butcher shop
I woke up displaying my meat in my front window ----------------------------
A man was in the graveyard with his arms wrapped around a gravestone and he was sobbing uncontrollably screaming why did you have to die, why did you have to die! A man walked up to him and asked, was it a relative? He said, no, the man asked was it a close friend then? He said no, it was my wife’s first husband!!! ----------------------------
Linda woke up and said to her husband I dreamt last night that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day,what do you think that means? He said, you will find out tonight! That night he gave her a small gift and when she opened it was a book called the meaning of dreams!! ---------------------------
A North Korean gymnast in the Olympics
didn't win a medal................................but her execution was flawless. --------------------------
Ya know what they say about getting older.......
......................yeah, I don't remember either. -------------------------
McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely with beef lips.
It's called the Mcjagger ! ----------------------------
Clergy...
Clergy do more than lay people... ------------------------------
A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
It's called marriage. ----------------------------
If I can say one good thing about my wife's cooking, it broke the dog from begging at the dinner table --------------------------
At some point in my life I switched
from taking acid to taking antacid. ---------------------------
At my age, I have social security sex...........
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on. ----------------------------
There are quite a few jokes about farts on an elevator.
I prefer to fart on an escalator or stairs, just to let the people behind me know that I'm ahead of them.
On an escalator, you can 'efficiently cropdust' without walking. ------------------------------
De Tomaso Mangusta - Hillclimb Yeah, Mort bought a Mangusta in the '60s, probably kept it, for 50 years. Man, that smallblock sounds real good. 289 you know, you know. DeTomaso Mangusta - Chip Foose Looks good Chip ! Now, huff on that 289, get it glowing real hot.
[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 08-12-2024).]
Aww ! C'mon Man ! Wow ! I'm stumped ! I still want to hump Sofia Vergara though, or maybe, merely her leg. ' Bow Wow ! I too, am an amorous puppy ! ' Humpity ! ' C'mon Sofia, that's not so bad is it ? Unngghh ! '
[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 08-29-2024).]
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote. A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote. A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
It said "I can see your feet. We are out of bread. Be back in five minutes."
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"
