Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook
while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works!
I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist! ------------------------
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. - When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. - A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. - When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A. - The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. - The batteries were given out free of charge. - A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. - A will is a dead giveaway. - If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. - With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. - Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. - You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. - Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. - A boiled egg is hard to beat. - When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. - Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. - If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. - A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. - In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. - When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds - The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. - He had a photographic memory which was never developed. - Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. - Acupuncture: a jab well done. -------------------------------
What do you call hiking college students ?
The walking debt. --------------------------------
I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said, "you have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on."
I said "Na, you're just pulling my leg." ------------------------------
I just want someone to laugh at my jokes...
the way Kamala laughs at questions she doesn't know the answer too. -----------------------------
Lego store Grand Opening was a big deal....
People were lined up for blocks.. ---------------------------
Grizand his wife decided on go on a diet.
After weeks of strictly sticking to their diet, Griz's wife suggested a cheat day.
She brought home a large pizza, a box of donuts and some chicken wings.
Griz brought home a hot blonde with big tits.
From his hospital bed, Griz thought about how men will never understand women. -----------------------------
Had a dream that I owned a butcher shop
I woke up displaying my meat in my front window ----------------------------
A man was in the graveyard with his arms wrapped around a gravestone and he was sobbing uncontrollably screaming why did you have to die, why did you have to die! A man walked up to him and asked, was it a relative? He said, no, the man asked was it a close friend then? He said no, it was my wife’s first husband!!! ----------------------------
Linda woke up and said to her husband I dreamt last night that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day,what do you think that means? He said, you will find out tonight! That night he gave her a small gift and when she opened it was a book called the meaning of dreams!! ---------------------------
A North Korean gymnast in the Olympics
didn't win a medal................................but her execution was flawless. --------------------------
Ya know what they say about getting older.......
......................yeah, I don't remember either. -------------------------
McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely with beef lips.
It's called the Mcjagger ! ----------------------------
Clergy...
Clergy do more than lay people... ------------------------------
A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
It's called marriage. ----------------------------
If I can say one good thing about my wife's cooking, it broke the dog from begging at the dinner table --------------------------
At some point in my life I switched
from taking acid to taking antacid. ---------------------------
At my age, I have social security sex...........
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on. ----------------------------
There are quite a few jokes about farts on an elevator.
I prefer to fart on an escalator or stairs, just to let the people behind me know that I'm ahead of them.
On an escalator, you can 'efficiently cropdust' without walking. ------------------------------
De Tomaso Mangusta - Hillclimb Yeah, Mort bought a Mangusta in the '60s, probably kept it, for 50 years. Man, that smallblock sounds real good. 289 you know, you know. DeTomaso Mangusta - Chip Foose Looks good Chip ! Now, huff on that 289, get it glowing real hot.
[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 08-12-2024).]
Aww ! C'mon Man ! Wow ! I'm stumped ! I still want to hump Sofia Vergara though, or maybe, merely her leg. ' Bow Wow ! I too, am an amorous puppy ! ' Humpity ! ' C'mon Sofia, that's not so bad is it ? Unngghh ! '
[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 08-29-2024).]
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote. A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote. A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
It said "I can see your feet. We are out of bread. Be back in five minutes."
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"
The preacher announced that whoever will donate $100 dollars to the Church could pick the first three Hymms. One lady ponied up and said I will take him, and him, and him.
It's so cold... The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe. Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets. You have to break the smoke off your chimney You have to open the fridge to heat the house Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about. People look forward to getting a fever Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office. We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post Refrigerators are redundant Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress! Prisoners are begging for the electric chair. Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker! A streaker froze in mid-streak! Mayor Mitchell hung a plaque around his neck...so we have to pretend he's a statue until Spring. I chipped my tooth on my soup. Dunkin' Donuts is serving coffee on a stick. We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm. I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket. I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up. I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee. Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet. Trees are chopping themselves into firewood. Cops are tazing themselves. I farted snowflakes Even Elsa is bothered by it I'm thankful for hot flashes Donald Trump's hair freezes in place. Miley Cyrus had to put her clothes back on. I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside. The ice cubes in my drink have goose bumps. It is so cold that a flasher was spotted describing himself to women.
You go outside. Either due to insanity or necessity. You squint because of the glare off of the snow. The wind is so cold it makes your eyes water. The combination of the squinting and eye watering freezes your eyes shut. You desperately try to open them, but quickly come to the conclusion that this will end like natures version of a Saw movie. You either carry on with frozen eyelids and walk into traffic or rip them open, saving yourself but forever unable to blink.
Drying it's wings. I've seen vultures, buzzards, hawks and eagles do it.
............................................. A man is sitting at the bar.... He is sad and frustrated, bangs the empty glass on the bar and asks for another drink. The guys next to him inquires about his mental state. Guy tells him that he has been single for so long, it hurts. Here's the story:
"Long time ago, I was late to my dinner date with my fiancée. She was the most charming woman ever, but She was a war veteran and had lost her eye in the war and wore a glass eye instead. While having dinner, she sneezed hard and her eye flew out. This bastard dude, sitting at a nearby table caught it. They got talking and ended up back at our place, making passionate love. He asked my fiancée if she sleeps every dude she meets.
She replied, "No, of course not, You just happened to catch my eye".
It was that very moment I walked in on them and broke off the engagement.
If it hadn't been for that caught-an-eye Joe, I'd been married long time ago...." ................................
I saw a girl in the parking lot outside Lowes, crying and said she had lost $200 on the way into the store. I felt sorry for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I had just found. When God blesses ya, you're supposed to pass some of it on to others.
..........................
I write & sometimes, sing songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer songwriter. Or so it seams.
............................................
Wife told me i was too old to ride skateboards or go sledding. I said "Hold my Ensure and watch this."
.....................................
Remember, if you let them shenan once, they'll shenanigan
I walked into EZ Mart to get a drink and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas.. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the cops standing RIGHT there.. But anyways, I minded my own business and went inside and got my drink.. As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming!! Like I’m talkin' violent death screams!! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I got outside, the cops had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!!
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car.. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a squad car?? And being nosey as I am, I asked the sheriffs what they were arresting her for.. The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC”!!
A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!"
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
A blond sits down on a plane and starts to read her book but the guy sitting next to her, a lawyer, won’t leave her alone. Finally, he says to her, “Let’s play a game. I’ll ask you a question and if you can’t answer it, you owe me five dollars. Then you ask me a question and I can’t answer it, I owe you a thousand dollars.”
The blond says, “Okay.”
The lawyer says, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
Without a word, the blond opens her purse, takes out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to him. She then asks, “What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on two?”
The lawyer thinks about this; he does an internet search; he calls his friends and asks them but he’s stymied and he hands the blond a thousand dollars. She puts it into her purse and goes back to reading. The lawyer says, “Hey! What’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blond opens her purse, takes out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to him.
An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
